Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Happy Holidays... I'm Too Drunk to Blog Consistently

Hello all of you sexy subscribin' motherfuckers! You may have noticed that my blogging has been sporadic at best as of lately, and as much as I'd like to have a good excuse for you, I don't. It's mainly because I'm busy eating my body weight in cheese logs, drinking wine from an easy-pour spout, and completely ignoring any trace of my Jewish heritage.

Basically, I'm celebrating Christmas!

 Just like Rick Perry would want me to, and since he gave me the best gift of all (dressing up like a gay cowboy and solidifying that he will never win the nomination by making a painfully homophobic political ad) I should really do this holiday up right!

So Merry Christmas, everyone! I will get back to blogging regularly shortly after the holiday season, and until then I'll leave you with this.

Happy Winter Solstice, Mr. Perry!

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Welcome to the '50s: Michele Bachmann Edition

Michele Bachmann is about as detrimental to feminism, as, well, Michele Bachmann. We're all aware of this by now. But it seems that this crazy-eyed bitch is always trying to up the ante.

Enter: Michele Bachmann's interview with Sean Hannity.

Mrs. Bachmann explains that she didn't go to her prom. Why you ask? Because she didn't ask boys out! Duh! What do you think she is, a whore? Nope. She's a beard. Get your facts straight.

Anywho, the time-honored tradition of gender submission continues on in the Bachmann household. She told Hannity that her daughters are not allowed to ask boys out on dates. The boys have to be the ones to call.

Just in case you forgot, Mrs. Bachmann is trying to become America's first female president. Who else thinks these rules about not calling boys are going to make things really difficult if she makes it to the White House?

Ugh, why won't Vladimir call?!?

Anyways, here's audio from the Hannity/Bachmann interview.

Shit like this almost makes me miss Palin. 


Friday, December 9, 2011

Help! I'm Hard to Please

Hi Allie,

Wow! I feel special! I never thought I would have the good fortune of getting your sex advice about how to have sex with my doctor and her large breasted assistant. Now I have a plan!

I never realized that women were so insightful and caring and willing to have sex just to fulfil my fantasies! Cool.

One thing I forgot to mention (and it may take all of your sex therapist powers)... how do I get them to have sex with each other first?

Thank you,
Nameless male with impossible fantasies.

Persistant little bastard, isn't he? 

For those of you unfamiliar with NMWIF, he wrote in last week eager to get some hot, albeit make believe, sex with his huge-breasted doctor and office manager. I gave him excellent advice on how to get these women to have sex with him. You can find it here.

But I think my pain threshold for pretend advice has reached its limit, so I'm leaving it up to you guys. 

How can NMWIF get his doctor and her office manager to have sex with each other? Feel free to make the advice horrible, embarrassing, and likely to get our little fella arrested. 

Make me proud, kiddos!

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

The Only Thing Satisfying about Herman Cain is His Pizza

By now we're all aware that Herman Cain and his penis are out of the presidential race, and they can go back to changing the world one pizza at a time.

Now normally, I love any opportunity to mock GOP candidates when they do dumbass things that cost them their careers. It's my passion, really. But Mr. Cain has had a rough couple of weeks. I mean, he's had multiple women come forward to talk about sexual impropriety on the part of the former presidential hopeful, he's had to deal with telling his wife that he was paying another bitch's rent for 13 years, and now that other woman has given an interview explaining that Mr. Cain was lousy in bed.

Ginger White, the woman who Mr. Cain shared an extramarital "friendship" with talked to the Daily Beast about how she wasn't always in the moment while she had sex with him.

 "One time we were having sex, and I was looking up at the ceiling, thinking about 'What am I going to buy at the grocery store tomorrow? What am I going to do with my kids tomorrow?'"
-Ginger White, The Daily Beast

Wow... She's thinking about her kids while you're banging her, bro?  You know, Obama can make a bitch scream just by saying her name slow.

So while I want to have a little song and dance party, I won't. Because having some random woman, with a name that set her up to be either a stripper or on Gilligan's Island, says you suck in the sack, you need some sympathy.

Go on, Herman. I'll let this one slide. But you better believe that when Rick Santorum drops out of the race because he was caught giving Marcus Bachmann a rimjob, it's going to be a bloodbath! 

Sunday, December 4, 2011

TLC Presents: 30 Year Old Virgins and the Basements They Live In

Oh, TLC.

First, you regaled us with the stories of kiddie beauty queens (none of which will hump a strip-club stage by the age of 16). Then, we learned about a family who has 20 kids (none of which will be gay or serial killers). Now, the channel dedicated solely to learning is debuting a new series about people in their late-20s/early-30s who have retained their virginity in an over-sexualized world.

The Virgin Diaries debuts tonight and "takes you inside the lives of adult virgins who reveal the challenges, truths, and anticipations of losing their virginity" (TLC).

Like this lovely, soon-to-be-married couple, who are anxiously awaiting the moment they can figure out how to use those silly, ol' genitals of theirs. But besides being eager to go to pound-town these crazy kids, umm... adults are saving their first kiss until their wedding day also.

I think it's going to be magical. Let's have a look.

Nailed it!

Look at that passion-filled kiss. Can you imagine what he's going to do to her clitoris? I mean, when he finds it in 10-12 years, of course.

Listen I'm a huge fan of awkward freak shows, I do live in the South. But seriously TLC, must you exploit every creepy, unsightly segment of the American population? You're making us look bad to Canada!

But what do I know? This is just a teaser. When I watch tonight (oh, I'll be watching) I might fall in love with these hapless, hymenally-sealed losers. Hell, I might decide to take my own sexuality to task. Maybe I'll reclaim my virginity!

Yeah, probably not.

Friday, December 2, 2011

Help! I Want to Have Sex with My Huge-Boobed Doctor

Love your blog! Here's my sex question... how come I want to have sex with my doctor (female) and her office manager (also female). They both have large breasts--could that be it? Better yet, how can I make them want to have sex with me? 

This is the first letter I have ever received at I'm Not Really a Barista that is so obviously set up. And to be honest, I'm flattered. I mean, someone took time out of their day to create a little scenario and to ask my advice on it. I think that means I've made it... and by made it, I mean, I'm still a barista and writing about sex on the internet. Success!!! 

Moving on. So, Horny Nameless Male, I'm going to answer your question, because even if this is a fake letter, answering it will be good practice for my eventual job writing for Penthouse. 

Now, HNM, I can't exactly tell you why you want to have sex with your doctor and her office manager. It could be because they remind you of your mom. It might be because they have a strong, lady musk that gets your boner juices flowing. But I can say, with 100 percent certainty, that it's not because they have large breasts! I mean, what kind of disgusting, pig of a man would only want to have sex with a woman because she has large breasts. What a terrifying world that would be! 

Anyways, the reasons why you want to bang these medical professionals doesn't really matter. Well, at least not to me. I'm an unqualified sexual advisor, not an unqualified sexual therapist. I'm here to get you laid! And this is how you are going to do it!

First, you need to make a doctor's appointment. Then, you need to get these two busty broads in an examining room together, this should be relatively easy considering that women like to go places in groups. Once all of you are in there, let your doctor know that you are having an issue, a private issue. It's going to go a little like this:

You: So Doctor Juggs, I can't seem to control my sexual appetite! It seems like no matter how many women I bring to screaming orgasms. I can't get enough. It's almost like one woman isn't enough for me. <Make eye contact with Office Manager Huge Tits>  Do you think there is anything you guys can do to help me?

At this time, the two women will look at one another, give the secret threesome nod, and start SexFest 2011. 

Bing. Bang. Boom. You're making babies.



P.S. If after reading this you think, "Wow! That was the dumbest thing I've ever read." Write me at or on Twitter @AllieOopsie. You will remain anonymous!

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Hey Y'all! Meet Huddle House!

Dry your eyes, kiddos. Your favorite blogista is back from a weeklong hiatus, one which involved me stuffing my face with pieces of gravy-soaked pumpkin pie and stabbing a person with a whittled down toothbrush over a discounted iPad.

It was awesome.

But alas, back to reality, which means back to latte making.

Normally being a professional latte-maker is a pretty big pain in the ass. Primarily, because I have to deal with assface customers who treat coffee like it's a hit of crack, but recently my store has been made less than desirable because of a new employee.

Like any workplace, mine has it's unsightly cast of characters: the slightly racist orange girl, the Asian fetishist, the World of Warcraft player. But all these people have been put to shame after the recent pity-hire of a woman who I will lovingly refer to as “Huddle House.” 

For those not familiar with the Deep South diner-chain known as Huddle House, let me give you the lowdown. It's like Waffle House's white-trash cousin. It's only acceptable when completely drunk, because the likelihood of finding a band-aid in your omelet is pretty fucking high. You will also always see one or more of the following while dining: spousal abuse, child abuse, malt liquor in a brown paper bag, ropes as belts, bare feet, Nascar tattoos and/or Looney Tunes tattoos, etc. 

Now my co-worker “Huddle House” is a woman in her early 50s, has undoubtedly smoked three packs of Marlboro Reds everyday since she was 6, calls everyone "mama," and I'm pretty sure was only recently released from prison.

These facts would not be so horrible if they were the only problems, but besides making every member of the Westboro Baptist Church look like a classy motherfucker, she also has no idea how to make a drink after being an employee at our store for over a month. She also doesn't know how to pronounce the name of drinks. She also doesn't know how to count all that well... or spell. 

Basically, she personifies every negative stereotype that revolves around white people in the South.

Oh, and she fucked a customer. For money more than likely.

And she is basically un-fireable because she is the mother of my manager's best friend.

So this is what I'm dealing with at work, which is why I'm going to start pre-gaming before all of my shifts.

But I know I can't be alone on this guys. Do any of you have a “Huddle House” at your workplace? I want to hear some co-worker horror stories. I need something to give me strength when this woman talks about being a "tiger in the sack."

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

12:01 a.m. is technically still "Black Friday," so STFU!

It's that time, guys. Time for food, family, and shopping yourself into irrevocable post-holiday debt starting at midnight Thanksgiving night.

That is, unless "Black Thursday" protesters have anything to do about it. Target employees are not too thrilled of the new opening time for "Black Friday" shopping, which is 12:01 a.m., meaning that many employees will have to show up at 11 p.m. to ensure that the store is ready for that crazy bitch in the red tracksuit from the Target commercials. And they are pissed!

Employees flooded the Target headquarters with petitions asking the retailer to "Save Thanksgiving" by pushing the opening hours back, ensuring that they get a full day off for the holiday.

And to that I have to say, "Boo-fucking-Hoo!"

I feel no sympathy for Target protesters. You know why?

Well, yes, I do love the idea of scoring discounted DVDs after I have a late-night turkey sandwich, but besides that, the coffee corporation for which I am an employee has their stores open on Thanksgiving!

Yep, on the actual holiday baristas are scheduled to make handcrafted beverages for people with four-day weekends. We miss the Parade. The smell of the turkey cooking. The beginning of football. Just so people can get their caffeine fix before going to the houses of relatives they only see once a year.

Basically we're fucking saints. And do you hear us bitching (besides right now)? No! Because it's called customer service. You service the mother-fucking customer and customers tend to be off on holidays, and they're just aching to be serviced by us.

So sorry, Target Timmy, sometimes you got to do shit you don't want to do. Do you think ER doctors are super stoked that they have to work because dumbasses catch themselves on fire while trying to deep-fry turkeys? My guess is no. The same way baristas don't like missing Snoopy float through the NYC sky like some kind of helium-inflated angel because someone is just dying for a caramel macchiato.

But you deal with it, because there are more important things to worry about than whether or not you get a full 24 hours off, like feline AIDS or Michele Bachmann winning the Republican nomination.

You want to protest, Target Timmy? Protest that shit.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Help! My Friend Wants an Orgasm

Cut to the chase someone asked me:

I have never had an orgasm and was wondering how I can have a great one! I am down for anything.

I couldn't answer this, so I thought I would ask the next best person. Save me from giving bad sex advice.


It's been a couple weeks since I've received an email at I'm Not Really a Barista, and I was starting to think you guys didn't think my unqualified sex advice was good enough. 

But finally, an email, ahh sweet validation. So I'm going to make sure that this is the best advice I've ever given. Even better than that time I told Roberto Arango to show his asshole on Grindr

Okay, no named person, your friend wants to have an amazing first orgasm, but I'm curious is she wanting to have this orgasm with another person or by herself? If it's the latter than I suggest you tell your friend to find some stimulation, whether that be sexual fantasies/erotica/pornography/Neiman Marcus Holiday Catalog, just something that incites some sense of arousal and do some southern-hemisphere exploring. 

Depending on your friends level of comfort/knowledge of her body this may take time. It may not be something that happens the first time, but it will eventually happen.

Or you could just buy her this.

Now, if your friend is hoping to achieve an orgasm with a partner, well, that might be a little bit trickier. Hopefully, her chosen partner is not a graduate of the Jackhammer School of Sex or the "I couldn't find your clitoris with a GPS" School of Oral Sex. I would suggest that your friend basically do the same thing with her partner that she would do alone, masturbate with a couple extra hands. This is because a person who is not sure how to get their body to climax will probably face frustration if they leave their orgasm completely up to another person. You got to walk before you run. 

Or her partner could just use this.


P.S. If after reading this you think, "Wow sex is really confusing!" Write me at or on Twitter @AllieOopsie. You will remain anonymous!

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

I'm Sleepy and Rick Perry is Dopey.

Hello all of you wonderful people that may or may not be reading this. I have been insanely busy the last few days and am currently nodding off like there was a sale at my local opium den, but it's Tuesday and I don't want to leave you all without a little something.

So enjoy this spoof of Rick Perry's CNBC debate gaffe.

Now, I'm off to, ummm... what's that word? Kitchen? No, it's not kitchen. Garage? Maybe? Kangaroo? Oh well. Nighty night.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Cosmo Teaches Us How to Sext. Thank God.

People are not sending any questions into I'm Not Really a Barista. Obviously, this means that everyone is completely content in their relationships, and/or they decided writing about anal to a stranger on the internet with no verifiable skills other than being snarky and making a latte isn't a great idea.

Either way, I'm sure people will be begging for my advice after I share some of Cosmopolitan's.

Yep, the mag who has been giving 17-year-olds some of the worst sex tips known to man is telling us how to send the HOTTEST TEXT MESSAGES EVA!!

So here you go ladies, try sending one of these bad boys to your significant other, and then when he questions your mental capacity, fire off an email to me.

The 10 Hottest Texts to Send to Send a Guy

At work having very NSFW thoughts about throwing you down on my desk...

I know you're busy today, but can you add one thing to your to-do list? Me.

Just got out of the shower. Why don't you come over and help me get dirty again?

In 30 minutes I'll be getting off. Will you be here to join in the fun?

Wish you were here... [With a picture of your inner thigh or cleavage — without showing anything X-rated.]

Had a very dirty dream about you last night. Let's reenact it tonight.

See if you can decipher this abbreviation: OMG IWUIM

Using one hand to write this text and press the send button. Using the other hand to press MY button...

Practicing yoga poses...totally naked. Wanna see how flexible I am?

Just went to the bathroom at the [bar/party/restaurant] and took off my underwear. One less thing for you to remove tonight...

Hey Cosmo... You do realize that batshit-crazy lawmakers are trying to redefine "personhood" and take all of our reproductive rights away, right? Can we please stop giving them a leg to stand on.

BTW, if you totes want to get a guy to be DTF via text, how about you try this doozy: Wanna bang? 

Jeez, no wonder Snooki is a best-selling author.

P.S. I guess everyone thinks Cosmo's sex advice is dumb as fuck. Watch this guy get his dick assaulted. 

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Mississippi Defines Personhood. Spelling Personhood Still a Challenge, Though.

Really Mississippi? Really?

Citizens of Mississippi are voting for legislation today that would define "personhood." The legislation, known as Initiative 26, could impact the Morning After pill, birth control and would make abortion completely illegal, even in cases of rape or incest.

Because we want every embryo in Mississippi to be made into a child. Every. Last. One. I mean, nothing says genetic superiority like motherfucking Mississippi. 

I wish I had something funny to say, but I'm far too grossed out. Proponents of this amendment should be stabbed in their genitals

Watch this video for actual information on Initiative 26. I'm going to go take some birth control and enjoy my reproductive freedom before this dumb shit makes its way to Florida.

UPDATE: Initiative 26 was voted down by 58 percent of voters in Mississippi, but anti-choice zealots are still eager to get more "Personhood" initiatives on the 2012 ballots in Mississippi, Florida, Montana, Ohio, Oregon, Nevada and California.

So everyone who thinks this dumb-fuckery should be ended for good, contact you local lawmakers and let them know that you believe women should have more rights than a zygote.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Suck on it MILFS! I'm a BILF!

I've gotten a few awards in the past from wonderful people, who say kind things and make me feel good about myself in a way that my parents never could.

Although, typically I don't do the whole award-ceremony stuff, because, well, usually I talk about politicians screwing hookers or people eager for anal, and the kind of sentimentality I begin to feel when someone gives me an award just doesn't belong on the pages of this blog. I don't want to lose my street cred.

However, all that changed when the lovely gentleman at Thank Q presented me with the BILF Award (Blogger I'd like to Flog... Oh wait, I guess it's actually Fuck. Am I the only one into flogging?) 

This award is perfect for me, because I enjoy being sexually objectified, and I DOUBLE LOVE sexually objectifying others. So let the nominations begin.

Bloggers I'd Like to Fuck or Flog... or Maybe Just Cuddle and Watch "The Notebook" With
  • BlackLOG- One of my most loyal and most hilarious commenters. This kind of attention to detail makes him incredibly BILF-y. I would marry him for approximately 72 days.
  • When Life Gives You Vodka- Gabs puts the HOT in hot mess, and she may or may not be my internet soulmate. I would spoon the shit out of her.
  • In Review: Stuff and Things- Charles and I have a Twitter romance. He is also is really into peace and love, which goes to show that opposites attract. I would hate-fuck him.
  • Khaki, Not Cocky- Hello gorgeous. Nhya is beautiful and a great writer. I would make her my famous chocolate-chip cookies and hold her hand like it was going out of style. 
  • Oh Noa- I owe over half of my pageviews to her. She's hysterical and a blogging beast. I would be her leather-clad gimp.
  • A Beer for the Shower- I possibly love these men more than my boyfriend, mainly because he is not nearly as creative with MS Paint. I would let them "Boy. Boy. Girl." me. Then we'd have a beer in the shower.
So there you go. I'm a BILF. The bloggers above are BILFS. And all of my readers are RILFS. 

You all wanna, like, meet up somewhere, take some Ecstasy, and see what happens? 

No? Okay, I'll just go watch "The Notebook" then.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

True Love Waits. Blue Balls? Not so Much.

It's Thursday, and you know what that means.

Let's talk about sex, baby.

Okay, I'm sorry for that. I will never use early '90s hip-hop lyrics in reference to a blog topic again. That was wrong of me.

Anywho, since obviously people are not fucked up enough to write into I'm Not Really a Barista, I've decided to share some opinions on sex education. If you have been paying attention to the news or Twitter, you are probably aware that the topic of sex education has been in the media a lot.

Like in Wisconsin. Oh Wisconsin.

Recently, legislation has passed the state Senate that will require public schools to stress abstinence education. This would make Wisconsin the 27th U.S. State that is pushing abstinence until marriage in place of sex education.

Really, 27 states? More than half of the country is encouraging horny high-schoolers to keep it in their pants until marriage, and this is supposed to end well.

I remember being given abstinence-only education in high school. I remember the 14-year-old girls sporting purity rings after signing a pledge to keep themselves pure until their wedding night. I remember bracelets emblazoned with the words “True Love Waits.” Then I remember the next year when about 10 of those same girls got knocked-up. I guess, purity is really overrated when you're dry-humping in the back of a Ford Focus.

I hope that this legislation doesn't pass in Wisconsin, because at least it was warm where I lived, so I can only imagine how much boning these purity-stricken teens will do in the dead of winter.

But on a positive note, at least MTV will have new candidates for “16 and Pregnant.” Because true love might wait, but raging erections tend to be rather impatient.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

You're kidding me, right? Part II

Meet Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi. This is her second book. She is also a New York Times Bestselling Author. I just thought everyone participating in #NaNoWriMo should know that this is what you are up against. 

I'm going to go do some research on law school and cry for a little while.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Happy Halloween to the Future Cast of "16 and Pregnant"

Halloween is mere hours away and for any of you guys still searching for the perfect costume to get for the underage girl in your life, I've found a few options in the aisles of Target.

The "Little Girl Sold into Sex Trafficking" Costume

The "Stepdad's Tickle Party" Costume

The "No Sex in the Champagne Room, Unless You Got Some Blow" Costume

I learned after further inspection of the costumes that they're supposed to be something from a show called "Monster High," which is I'm pretty sure is kiddie porn. I'd Google it, but I have enough problems with authorities without adding sexual predator to the list.

Anyways, have a happy and sexually-gratutious Halloween. 

Friday, October 28, 2011

Help! My Boyfriend Wants Anal More Than a Republican Congressman

Dear Allie,

My boyfriend of about six months really wants to have anal sex with me. It's all he talks about. I want to make him happy, but I'm scared that it's going to hurt too bad, plus I'm concerned about the cleanliness stuff.

If I go through with it, what do I need to know? Are there any tips that will make it easier. Any advice would be appreciated!

Scared of Anal

Suck it, Ann Landers! Is anyone asking you how to successfully have tushie sex? 

Nope, I didn't think so.

Sure, this blog will ensure that I never get hired as anything other than a latte-maker or one of Nevada's legal hookers, but who cares, I'm doing the work of angels. 

Now, let's get this girl so comfortable with anal that she will be bent over like Roberto Arango at a Bachmann after-party.

Alright, SOA, there's a few things I want to ask before I give my tips on anal. First, do you want to do this or are you just doing it to appease your pain-in-the-ass boyfriend? If it's the latter, then I want you to think about actually going through with it. I think most sex acts, especially those we aren't initially comfortable with, should be done because of some personal desire to do it.

But for sake of giving advice, I'm going to assume that deep down you want to GET IT IN. So here's my advice for an anal-newbie.
  1. RELAX. Seriously! Breathe. Don't tense up. And it might even help if you have a more traditional form of sex beforehand so your body is already in Go-Mode.
  2. Lube. Water-based if you are using condoms and maybe something oil-based (because of the lasting factor) if you guys are condom-less. Remember to be safe. Tests done, etc.
  3. Speed. Go slow until your comfortable and make sure you pass this morsel of advice on to your seemingly eager boyfriend. 
  4. Call the shots. Come to the agreement that if you begin to feel overwhelmed you can stop the act. This veto power might make you feel in control enough to get through any inhibitions.
  5. Cleanliness. A little gross I know, but try to have some type of movement before you partake in the act. If you're still feeling self-conscious, buy an enema and call it a day.
Other than that, it's up to you, SOA. You are the only person who knows your body and what you are comfortable with. Hopefully this helps! 

Now. Go. Perform an act that will make your father wake up in a cold sweat with a desire to buy a gun.


P.S. If after reading this you think, "Hmm... is that a ingrown hair or herpes?" Write me at or on Twitter @AllieOopsie. You will remain anonymous!

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Dear GOP, Even Pat Robertson Thinks You're Batshit Crazy

Attention Republican presidential hopefuls: The old dude from the 700 Club, who believes homosexuality caused Hurricane Katrina, thinks you need to take it down a notch. 

Yep, the fella who believes Haiti had it coming and that feminists are really just witchcraft-practicing lesbians, said on his program that Republicans are going into extremes that will lose them the general election.

Holy shit. This completely logical piece of advice is coming from the man who undoubtedly beats off to the idea of Ann Coulter spitting on an illegal immigrant. 

Are you listening GOP? 

The gatekeeper of the Religious Right thinks that you guys are going to lose the general election if you don't adopt some more moderate positions. This is like Charles Manson telling someone that they might need to seek some therapy because they're acting a little nutty.

Does God, Jesus, and the freaking Holy Spirit need to come down to Earth, buy a Prius, slap a COEXIST sticker on that bad boy, and vote Democrat before you guys realize that you have isolated your party.

I don't know if this blog really has a point, but the fact that I agree with something Pat Robertson said makes me feel unclean. So I'm going to go take some birth control and masturbate to girl-on-girl porn.

Maybe it really is the end of days.

Friday, October 21, 2011

Help! I'm DTF a D-BAG

Hi Allie!
I just stumbled across your blog, courtesy of 20sb, and I'm in awe of your awesomeness.  Your blog is what my blog wants to be when it grows up.  

So, I have an actual boy dilemma and would love a snarky/ridiculous response:

A guy I'm interested in has made it clear that he wants to get down and dirty with me.  I'm totally into this, since I'm not looking for a boyfriend right now.  However, I think he might be hiding a somewhat serious girlfriend from me.  How do I find out the truth, and if he turns out to be a douche, how do I teach him a lesson?

The Other Woman

I'm hungover. 

How hungover you ask?

Really fucking hungover! Stop asking me questions my head hurts!

Anyways, since I'm in the delicate state that I am in, I'm going to make this short and sweet.

First, TOW, thanks for all the blogging love. I hope you still love me after I dispense some horrible advice your way.

As I read your letter, TOW, I couldn't help but wonder if you were Amish. I mean, that would be the only reason why I would guess that you couldn't just pop your cute, little tushie over to Facebook and check out your suitor's relationship status. If this fella is in a "serious relationship" that he is hiding from you, I'm going to assume he is not hiding it from his girlfriend. 

So go. Take a looksie. I'll wait.

Okay so when you went over to Zuckerberg-land did you see this.

No? Then leave this kid THE FUCK ALONE! Listen, I understand that sometimes it is tempting to get caught up in a scandalous, tawdry affair, but trust me, it won't be worth it. Unless, this guy is Bradley-fucking-Cooper with a tripod-like penis and can breathe through his ears, it won't be worth it. 

Because the following will happen: his girlfriend will find out and make it a mission to kill you. Why? Well, because it's a lot easier to get mad at the girl than your cheating bitch of a boyfriend. 

So let this one go, TOW. You obviously have great taste (you like me) and you will find a random dude to fuck who is on your level. 

And if you want to get back at him  use the same social-media site. Take an image-capture of one of his text propositioning down-and-dirty time and then tag that shit on Facebook. 

Girlfriend? What girlfriend?

I'm going to go change my relationship status to IN AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP now, because I want to get down and dirty with every last one of you.


P.S. If after reading this you think, "Wow sex is really confusing!" Write me at or on Twitter @AllieOopsie. You will remain anonymous!

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

GOP Debate CliffsNotes

I'm back. 

I fought off my Flu. Or West Nile. Or Scurvy. Whatever hell-born illness that kept me in my bed watching Toddlers and Tiaras while taking copious amounts of Robotussin. By the way, I had no idea that drinking a couple bottles of cough syrup makes you trip balls but apparently it does. So it's been a pretty good week.

Anyways, I'm back just in time for the eighth and not-even-slightly unnecessary GOP debate being held tonight in Las Vegas. Yep, our favorite gaggle of entitled tools are here for another round of talking about why they should be the leader of the free world. I wish I cared enough to watch it, but as I mentioned earlier, I may be addicted to drugs now, so that means my vote goes to Ron Paul.

But for my loyal readers who may not be as confident in their pick, I've decided to gather up some of my favorite #GOPdebate, #Tweetthepress, #CNNdebate tweets to give you guys an overview of the event without having to watch that awful fucking thing.

  •  @RexHuppkeI love it when they use the term "illegals." It so racist-y without *officially* being racist!  
  • @Apparently Republicans like science when it comes to nukes; not so much when it comes to climate change. And monkeys. 
  • @michele bachman is a closet duggar please RT #tweetthepress
  • @If Bachmann doesn't get the nom she can always audition for Julie the Social Director on the remake of "The Love Boat." 
  • @A Mormon just complimented a black man on his chutzpah. 
  • @Romney's missing a great opportunity to run on a Polygamy platform & get 100% of the male vote. 
  • @Every time I look at Rick Santorum I think, "So this is what Ted Haggard as a politician looks like?"
  • @: I'm trying to picture Jesus telling the poor and unemployed to suck it. 
  • @The weak performances of Rick Perry & Herman Cain at this debate are proof that Mitt Romney's magic underpants really do work #tweetthepress

Don't you feel informed now? Feel free to thank me with bottles of Robotussin. 

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Delay of Game

I'm still sick. 

How sick you ask?

Well, my sinuses are expelling more fluid than Marcus Bachmann at a nude, all-male revival of A Streetcar Named Desire.

So I've decided to skip this week's Thursday advice blog, mainly because I'm so high on various medications that I'm likely to encourage a reader to head down to Tijuana and take part in a "donkey show" as an alternative to banging her sexually-retarded lover. And since bestiality will never be the answer, I'm sitting this one out.

But because I can't just leave you crazy kids High and Dry, here's a link to Dan Savage's (my gay-husband/person who has no fucking clue who I am) advice column. Enjoy.

I'm off to Tijuana. Olé, y'all!

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

The Holy Grail of Closet Cases

Usually I dedicate Tuesdays to something I love in the news. It just so happens that my first love will always be when a homophobic politician ends up with a cock in the mouth.

Unfortunately, I'm sick and just can't find the energy to dig up something scandalous, so I decided to give my beloved readers a powerful tool.


This website gives a running countdown of "homophobic-but-queer politicians" or other prominent bigots who get caught in a sex scandal. It's a fun read, and all the proceeds from the website go to Truth Wins Out.

I'm going to go take some Nyquil and try to give myself a bikini wax. I'll let you guys know how it goes.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

I'm About to Get All Emotional and Shit

If you are a frequent reader of this blog, you're probably aware that nothing I say should be taken seriously. I write horrible things that will undoubtedly give me a front-row seat in hell, mainly because my parents didn't love me enough, and I'm constantly seeking attention from strangers (which explains the weird taint-rash I can't seem to shake.)

Anywho, I want you all to know that I mean everything I'm about to say for once.

In the past couple of weeks, I have gotten a lot of love from people in the blogosphere, and I just wanted to take a moment away from talking about balls to tell all you guys how thankful I am.

I started this blog after a particularly hellacious day serving coffee, and I never expected for anyone besides my co-workers to read it. I wrote a couple posts about a customer that reminded me a Slingblade, and for the most part, forgot about it.

Then my college graduation loomed, and I began to get the sinking feeling that my journalism degree would go unused. It's not that I didn't enjoy being a journalist, but it just didn't feel right. I had come from a creative-writing/performance background and only majored in journalism, because I felt it would have a more concrete endpoint. Too bad I didn't know that endpoint would involve a string of internships that had me jabbing myself in the hand with a pencil to stay awake. I wanted freedom to write whatever I wanted, so I came back to my long-lost blog and started to write.

That was about three months, and I never expected to have readers. I never expected to have accolades from  people who make me laugh so hard I'm afraid I might pee on myself. I never expected to post a picture of Roberto Arango's asshole. But unexpected things happen, and I'm here.

I know I'm not huge (not even close), and as many people have told me I'm more likely to be a vagrant on the street sauteing pigeons over a trashcan fire, than to make a living from being a blogger. But to be honest, none of that matters, because I'm in love with writing again, and I have every person who has ever viewed this blog to thank for that.

So I just want to let everyone know, that I appreciate you all more than words can say.

Alright,  enough of that, I'm going to go put some calamine lotion on my weird taint-rash, and I'll be back to talk about closet-case politicos on Tuesday.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Help! My Boyfriend Doesn't Want to Eat at my Lady Buffet

My boyfriend hates giving oral. He wants me to do it almost every time we have sex but won't return the favor, he says that it's different. He makes me feel extremely self-conscious, like something is wrong with me. But his ex-girlfriend happens to be my sister's best friend and I know that he gave her oral at least a couple times. He says it's not me, but what am I suppose to think? I'm clean, shaved and cute. What's the problem? 

Orally Deprived

Normally, Deprived I would tell you to break up with your boyfriend immediately. Hell, I would even make the phone call for you. However, things have changed ever since I've learned that our mutant vaginas are giving dudes the big C.

 Yep, researchers from Ohio State University are linking the influx of HPV-caused throat cancer in males to oral sex in a study from of the Journal of Clinical Oncology released Monday.

"An individual who has six or more lifetime partners — on
 whom they've performed oral sex – has an eightfold increase in risk compared to someone who has never performed oral sex."

- Dr. Maura Gillison of OSU.

Deprived, I'm going to assume that your boyfriend saw this study. Why else wouldn't he want to go down on you? I'm sure it has nothing to do with the years of misogynistic ideas that revolve around female genitalia. I mean, I think every single straight male was going home and literally drowning in his significant others nether regions until this study came out Monday.  

Basically, Deprived, the real question is: Why does Ohio State hate pussy so much? And well, that's just one question this unqualified advisor just can't answer. 

But there is good news, OD! Fellas who do get cancer from muff-diving have a 85-90 percent survival rate compared to guys with oral cancers not related to HPV. 

So, here's what I want you to do. Go home, sit your honey-muffin down and explain to him that while his fear is completely understandable, his survival rate is nearly guaranteed.

After that heart-to-heart, he should basically jump face-first into your lap. If not, I think it's time to find a new boyfriend who appreciates the lady buffet. And with the rise in cunnilingus-caused throat cancer, it seems like you'll have many a man to pick from! Enjoy!

Now, I'm off to get my HPV vaccine, and then give a donation to Planned Parenthood in Michele Bachmann's name. 


P.S. If after reading this, you think, "Wow, sex is really confusing." Write me at or on Twitter @AllieOopsie. You will remain anonymous!