Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Santorum: A Frothy Failure in Michigan

Anyone ever give themselves a concussion?

No? Just me. Alright, well I feel like a real asshole right now.

So I've been MIA lately after my night stand went all Chris Brown on me. I wanted to figure out a way to literally blame it on Chris Brown, but I hear he's fist deep in his own problems.

Speaking of problems, I'm back just in time to watch Mitt "magic underoos" Romney fuck up Rick "frothy mix" Santorum's life, and while nothing is official at this time, it seems like Romney will take Michigan.

Now, I don't like Romney, but my hatred for Santorum is so deep it cannot be fully expressed without a machete and some type of interpretive dance. So basically, any loss for him is a direct win for me.

I'm hoping the string of disappointments will send him spiraling into the arms of some man he met on Craigslist.

One can only hope that man has an exhibitionist streak, a videocamera and is Chris Brown.

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Just wanted to let everyone know that this blog has a new Facebook page. If you like me here, than you will LOVE me on Facebook.

It will be chock full of all the ridiculous shit that's not quite blogworthy. 

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Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Help! Self Love is Complicated

Dear Allie,

Recently, I have found myself alone for the first time in over 10 years. My sisters' husbands have bragged about how much we girls in my family enjoy sex. My problem is now that I miss the fact that I miss sex. It used to be something that I really enjoyed and now I feel, well, mehh about it. To alleviates this situation, I went back to my beginnings and tried to masturbate. I found out though, that I HAD to fantasize about someone in order to make it work. Sometimes men, sometimes women, but I wonder, is there any other way to finish successfully? Suggestions?

Andi from Kansas

Happy Valentines Day all!

I hope everyone has enjoyed their Hallmark holiday. I know I did! Some Taco Bell and one heart-shaped chocolate box down, and I'm ready to ingest a whole bottle of Tums and watch the Daily Show in bed with my sweetheart.

But not before I give you all your V-Day present: My horrible sex advice to a stranger from the internet.

So Andi from Kansas, first, I must applaude you for using your real name and for admitting that you masturbate in the state of Kansas. Both admirable!

Now I read over your question a couple times, and aside from you feeling lackluster about sex, I can't really find a problem. I mean, you have to fantasize about someone during masturbation to reach orgasm?

I think that's the point.

Aside from fantasizing about a person or a scenario, I'm not exactly sure what would be an appropriate masturbation mind-reel. Besides maybe that taco/chocolate combo I mentioned earlier.

Basically, I don't think there's anything wrong with you having to fantasize about someone to get yourself off. I think it's healthy, normal and amazing to think about Ryan Reynolds, shirtless, and wearing a Reagan mask (or maybe that's just Mr. Rick Santorum's fantasy).

I even have an inkling that if you continue to stretch your sexual imagination, you may be able to hunt down your lost libido.

Listen Kansas, after 10 years in a relationship you are probably a much different person sexually than the last time you were single. Give yourself time to explore this side of you. The side that does not have a sexual partner. The side that can indulge in whatever fantasy you choose. Don't be afraid of your sexual fantasies. If anything, use them as a tool to guide you into the next chapter of your sexual life.

Unless that life involves Newt Gingrich in a Reagan mask, then it's time to find the nearest convent.


P.S. If after reading this you think, "I fantasize about Ryan Reynolds in a Reagan mask!" Write me at notreallyabarista@gmail.com or on Twitter @AllieOopsie. You will remain anonymous.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Babies and Constitutionality

Hey guys!

Sorry for the spotty posts lately, but I've been rather busy with preparations for the arrival of my new nephew. Basically, baby showers and buying an obscene amount of diapers. It's been fun, you know, as much fun as watching a room full of women ogle receiving blankets can be.

But I am insanely excited to meet my nephew. I'm becoming an aunt for the first time, and I can't help but think of all the things I want to teach him.

How to swear with gusto, of course.

To never trust someone named Santorum.

That a barista is not an acceptable career path.

And most importantly, that some people in this world are douchenozzles, but for the most part they are outnumbered by remarkable people. I want to make sure he knows that these remarkable people will come in a variety of packages.

I was thinking about this a lot today. During this time of introspection, I heard that Prop 8 was deemed unconstitutional.

It's not often that a news story gives me hope for the future, but I couldn't help but think that maybe this sweet little boy won't need me to tell him that remarkable people come in all different packages.

Maybe no one will tell him differently.

Maybe he'll just know.