Pour Out a Little Liquor: Gingrich Edition

Last week, Ol' Big Noggin Gingrich teased the American public with a promise that he would end this ridiculous joke, also know as, his run for the presidency.

My first reaction to the news of his suspension was, "Wait! How the fuck am I going to get my $2.50/gallon gas?

Dammit. I guess that means I'm back to siphoning it out of cars in the Walmart parking lot.

But then I remembered that the promise to cut gas prices was coming from a bloated, delusional megalomaniac, who has a better chance of riding a magical unicorn to Neverland than landing in the Oval Office.

Then I just wanted to know why this asshole was sending out "save the dates" instead of just pulling the plug on his ailing spouse... err, I mean campaign.

To answer that question, many news outlets are reporting that Gingrich wanted to treat his last week on the campaign trail as a sort of "farewell tour." Shaking hands, throwing out the first pitch at baseball games, going to fairs and having carnies guess the weight of his head. You know, fun stuff.

But all good things must come to an end, and today Gingrich released a video letting his supporters-- and those of us that are sane-- know that he will officially drop out of the race Wednesday.

It's the end of an era, guys. A really stupid era.

The Only Thing Satisfying about Herman Cain is His Pizza

By now we're all aware that Herman Cain and his penis are out of the presidential race, and they can go back to changing the world one pizza at a time.

Now normally, I love any opportunity to mock GOP candidates when they do dumbass things that cost them their careers. It's my passion, really. But Mr. Cain has had a rough couple of weeks. I mean, he's had multiple women come forward to talk about sexual impropriety on the part of the former presidential hopeful, he's had to deal with telling his wife that he was paying another bitch's rent for 13 years, and now that other woman has given an interview explaining that Mr. Cain was lousy in bed.

Ginger White, the woman who Mr. Cain shared an extramarital "friendship" with talked to the Daily Beast about how she wasn't always in the moment while she had sex with him.

 "One time we were having sex, and I was looking up at the ceiling, thinking about 'What am I going to buy at the grocery store tomorrow? What am I going to do with my kids tomorrow?'"

-Ginger White, The Daily Beast

Wow... She's thinking about her kids while you're banging her, bro?  You know, Obama can make a bitch scream just by saying her name slow.

So while I want to have a little song and dance party, I won't. Because having some random woman, with a name that set her up to be either a stripper or on Gilligan's Island, says you suck in the sack, you need some sympathy.

Go on, Herman. I'll let this one slide. But you better believe that when Rick Santorum drops out of the race because he was caught giving Marcus Bachmann a rimjob, it's going to be a bloodbath! 

Dear GOP, Even Pat Robertson Thinks You're Batshit Crazy

Attention Republican presidential hopefuls: The old dude from the 700 Club, who believes homosexuality caused Hurricane Katrina, thinks you need to take it down a notch. 

Yep, the fella who believes Haiti had it coming and that feminists are really just witchcraft-practicing lesbians, said on his program that Republicans are going into extremes that will lose them the general election.

Holy shit. This completely logical piece of advice is coming from the man who undoubtedly beats off to the idea of Ann Coulter spitting on an illegal immigrant. 

Are you listening GOP? 

The gatekeeper of the Religious Right thinks that you guys are going to lose the general election if you don't adopt some more moderate positions. This is like Charles Manson telling someone that they might need to seek some therapy because they're acting a little nutty.

Does God, Jesus, and the freaking Holy Spirit need to come down to Earth, buy a Prius, slap a COEXIST sticker on that bad boy, and vote Democrat before you guys realize that you have isolated your party.

I don't know if this blog really has a point, but the fact that I agree with something Pat Robertson said makes me feel unclean. So I'm going to go take some birth control and masturbate to girl-on-girl porn.

Maybe it really is the end of days.

GOP Debate CliffsNotes

I'm back. 

I fought off my Flu. Or West Nile. Or Scurvy. Whatever hell-born illness that kept me in my bed watching Toddlers and Tiaras while taking copious amounts of Robotussin. By the way, I had no idea that drinking a couple bottles of cough syrup makes you trip balls but apparently it does. So it's been a pretty good week.

Anyways, I'm back just in time for the eighth and not-even-slightly unnecessary GOP debate being held tonight in Las Vegas. Yep, our favorite gaggle of entitled tools are here for another round of talking about why they should be the leader of the free world. I wish I cared enough to watch it, but as I mentioned earlier, I may be addicted to drugs now, so that means my vote goes to Ron Paul.

But for my loyal readers who may not be as confident in their pick, I've decided to gather up some of my favorite #GOPdebate, #Tweetthepress, #CNNdebate tweets to give you guys an overview of the event without having to watch that awful fucking thing.

•  @RexHuppke: I love it when they use the term "illegals." It so racist-y without *officially* being racist! #tweetthepress 
• @addiestan: Apparently Republicans like science when it comes to nukes; not so much when it comes to climate change. And monkeys. 
• @sbellelauren: michele bachman is a closet duggar please RT #tweetthepress
• @aishatyler: If Bachmann doesn't get the nom she can always audition for Julie the Social Director on the remake of "The Love Boat." #CNNdebate
• @pattonoswalt: A Mormon just complimented a black man on his chutzpah. #GOPDebate
• @nationallampoon: Romney's missing a great opportunity to run on a Polygamy platform & get 100% of the male vote. #GOPDebate
• @youngsinick: Every time I look at Rick Santorum I think, "So this is what Ted Haggard as a politician looks like?"
• @AdamWearsPants: I'm trying to picture Jesus telling the poor and unemployed to suck it. #TweetThePress
• @TheDweck: The weak performances of Rick Perry & Herman Cain at this debate are proof that Mitt Romney's magic underpants really do work #tweetthepress

Don't you feel informed now? Feel free to thank me with bottles of Robotussin. 

Surprise Time! A Country Singer Doesn't like Obama

I guess Hank Williams Jr. went on Fox & Friends yesterday morning to compare President Obama to Hitler or Tiger Woods or something. Take a look.

Question. Why are we asking this dude his opinion about politics. He looks like the fucking shoe bomber and is wearing sunglasses indoors. This should automatically disqualify you from talking about anything other than the best way to beat your common-law wife. 

This is ridiculous even for you, Fox & Friends. What's next? Are we going to ask Taylor Swift for an exit strategy for Afghanistan? Willy Nelson about the legalization of marijuana? Well, that one actually makes sense.

Listen F&F, I understand that reputable political commentators avoid FNC like the receiving end of Marcus Bachmann's gloryhole, but that doesn't mean you should ask any random white person what they think about the 2012 GOP-nominees. That's not responsible journalism. Not even for you guys. 

Oh, and Hank, Hitler was a fascist. Look that word up and get back with me.

Then, Urban Dictionary the word douchecanoe.