Wednesday, November 20, 2013

There's Santorum on this Christmas Candle!

Just in time for the holidays, everyone's favorite google search result is back and bigoted as ever!

Rick Santorum has been making the rounds, plugging his likely horrible project called "The Christmas Candle," which surprisingly enough is not a line of holiday-inspired sex toys. Bummer, right?!

For those of you who may be new to this dumb, little blog, during last year's election I wrote quite a bit about our homophobic, sweatervest-loving, frothy friend.

I'll sum it up for you--fuck him.

Anyway, Frothy McSweatervest is now the head of a religious movie studio and was a guest on The Colbert Report promoting his new film--hilarity and hatred ensued.

The Colbert Report
Get More: Colbert Report Full Episodes,Video Archive

While watching Stephen Colbert troll Rick Santorum is easily the greatest gift of all, I can't get over the fact that this asshole is considering running for office in 2016.

Ricky, do us all a favor, keep making your family-oriented films and quit trying to run the country. You're not going to do either one very well, but at least with the former, I'll be able to keep my birth control.

On another note, for my readers interested in having some super gay sex in a movie theatre, The Christmas Candle will be out in select theaters this Friday.

Monday, November 18, 2013

Just in Case Your Day Didn't Include Enough Talk of Unicorn Balls.

Matt and I were driving to my shoulder leprosy doctor when this argument/dumb-fuckery occurred:

Me: What is your problem? You have the shittiest attitude today. 
Matt: I have a wonderful attitude today! 
Me: Nope! It's shitty. Your attitude looks like, like, balls. Yep, it resembles a scrotum, so you might want to check yourself. 
Matt: Well, those balls must be strapped to a fucking unicorn. They must be majestic and sparkle in the sunlight. 
Me: Wait, do unicorns have balls? 
Matt: Oh yeah and they're beautiful. 
Me: So you think your attitude is like unicorn balls? 
Matt: I do. 
Me: Alright then. 

And that's how the argument ended, because my boyfriend blindsided me by bringing up a mythical creature's glittering junk. Later when we were home, I decided to google the term "unicorn balls" and found this.

Side Note: I also googled "unicorn dick" and found a picture of a girl with a
 penis on her forehead, so happy early father's day that girl's dad!

So even though Matt technically tricked me into not being mad at him, I was able find a picture of Mitt Romney with the words "unicorn balls" underneath his face.

I'm gonna take it as a win.  

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Some Babies are Hideously Ugly and Other Things Overheard in a Coffee Shop

While cleaning the lobby of the unspecified coffee shop that I work at, I overheard a couple discussing the following:

Wife: (checking Facebook on her phone) My sister put the pictures up of [baby name]. 
Husband: (not looking up from his iPad) That's the ugliest fucking baby I've ever seen. 
Wife: Oh my God, I can't believe you said that. He's adorable. 
Husband: Are you joking? That kid looks like it wasn't cooked all the way. 
Wife: (Stunned silence) 
Husband: As a matter of fact, I'm pretty pissed that she's putting those pictures on Facebook and I'm being forced to look at them. What if I was eating? 
Wife: That is our nephew you're talking about! 
Husband: And he's hideous.

And that's how I met my favorite customer of all time.

Friday, November 1, 2013

Reasons I Suck so Hard at Blogging.

I suck at blogging.

I write with zero regularity because, you know, naps. I talk about dicks and sex and politics which is bound to alienate a good portion of readers. My social networking presence also leaves something to be desired, once again, naps.

But those aren't the reasons I'm never going to be considered a "good" blogger.

If you've read any of the "How to get Fuck Me Famous Blogging and Never Have to Make Another Cup of Coffee Ever Again" articles, then you probably know they suggest bloggers have a niche, something that ties all the nonsensical ramblings to a specific topic, i.e. motherhood, fashion, cats, etc.

But left out of that group are bloggers who talk about making coffee and watching TLC and porn (occasionally at the same time), which is too bad because I would corner that market. When it comes to tried-and-true blogging genres, I've got nothing to offer.

Dating Blogs: I don't bang random dudes. Not because I don't want to, but my boyfriend won't let me and that jerk knows the wifi password. My blog's not going to be like Sex and the City, where I talk about strapping on a pair of $600 stilts and having some rando I met at Whole Foods give me his half-assed version of a pelvic exam. Nope, just Matt playing Grand Theft Auto V and me trying to figure out the wifi password.

Mommy Blogs: I don't have a baby. Nor do I intend to any time in the near future. To be honest, I'm not ever sure if I can. My mom's uterus supposedly looks like uncooked Top Ramen or something, and I've been having unprotected sex for like a decade--and nothing. Thank God. Don't get me wrong, I like kids, but I'm pretty sure I'm unfit to have my own. Just the other day I bought a Nerf gun because I thought, "I'm gonna fuck with the dog." Anyway, if I did pop a couple little assholes out, my boyfriend would just end up raising them and they'd call me by my first name. It'd get confusing at parent/teacher conferences.

Wedding/Marriage Blogs: I'm gonna let y'all in on a little secret, I've been engaged since Myspace was a thing. When's our wedding date? We don't have one. Why? Because you have to plan that shit out. And pay for it! When Matt asked me to marry him I called him a bastard. That story isn't Pinterest appropriate. And I'm not a big fan of weddings. I like my last name. And white, come on, who am I trying to fool? Plus, all of my family consists of horrible drunks who hate each other, and I've made it 27 years without being featured on COPS, so why start now?

Fashion/Beauty Blogs: I'm not fashionable. I wear flip flops everyday. And most of my clothes are stretchy and have salsa stains on them. I already tricked a dude into loving me, what's the point of hoisting my tits up my shoulders on the regular? There is none. I like pajamas. Disgusting pajamas. My mom recently offered to buy me a pair of "flattering pjs", because she's concerned I'm never going to give her grandkids. So unless people want to read about how to rock the same pair of sweatpants for 10 straight days, I think I'm out of luck.

Other things I'm not good at/won't be writing about: DIY anything. Fuck Pinterest. I'm not making a wine bottle rack using yarn, empty toilet paper rolls and glitter. I've got TV to watch. Health and Wellness. I like cookies. A LOT. And I'm already in therapy trying to figure out how to not eat my feelings, and it's not going all that well.

I also don't live in NYC or LA. My life is not glamorous. I work at a coffee shop and wear an apron everyday. I don't always write that consistently. I'm not interesting and most of my day involves Netflix and my couch. But I love that people may care, even if it's just a little, about the bullshit I put on here.

So fuck all the blogging guidelines. I just want to write and make some of you weirdos laugh. That's it.

Oh, and maybe a couple nice pairs of pajamas, so my mom can get off my case.