Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Newt Gingrich is a Democrat

This shit is confusing.
I don't know if any of you have heard, but Newt "Reagan Fetish" Gingrich won the South Carolina Primary upsetting Mitt "Magic Underpants" Romney by 13 points.

This proves once and for all that the South is a land rooted in traditional family values. A place that upholds the sanctity of marriage and will not stand idly by while someone tries to make a mockery of this holy union.


Hey South Carolina, did you hear that Newt Gingrich has fucked up so many sick women's lives that Susan G. Koman is thinking about naming a three-day walk-a-thon after him?


Well, I know you had to hear that the day of the debate, his second wife, you know, the one he left after she was diagnosed with MS (not to be confused with the first wife he left while she had cancer) came out in the media saying that Mr. Gingrich propositioned her for an open marriage.

Cue shock, South Carolinians. 

Yep, Mr. Reagan-Republican himself asked his then-wife if she wouldn't mind sharing all of his big-headed lovin' with his congressional-aid/mistress, you know, the one he had been banging for the prior six years.

She of course said no, probably because she was eager to get out from under the weight of his humongous head. She also decided to give a tell-all interview in hopes to show what kind of man ol' Newt is.

Which is a philandering, adulterous, sexual deviant, who has made it a mission to devalue every one of his marriages by having tawdry affairs with other women.

This proves, once and for all, that Newt Gingrich is a Democrat. 

Because Republicans don't have extra-marital affairs. With Women.

Republicans have affairs with dudes they meet on Craigslist.

I'm looking at you, Mr. Santorum

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Help! Boy/Boy/Girl Threesomes are Stressful!

Dear Allie,

Firstly - I love you all over your face for the blog. the advice you dispense is always wonderful.

This letter has two questions in it, the first a conundrum, the second a dispute to settle between my boyfriend and I:

The first one is that my boyfriend has a bit of a thing for bisexual men (as in, it turns him on that I'm attracted to girls - lucky me!). The practical up-shot of this is that he likes to watch while I pash girls, and has even filmed it once or twice while I've slept with
them. But, he wants to take it to the next level and actually be there/engage with both of us next time - which I'm fine with. It's just that he's completely, not-even-curious-about-girls gay. Basically - what should we do if he can't, when it happens? Obviously, it'd be embarrassing for him, awkward for me and possibly soul-shattering for her. The last time he tried to get with a chick, he nearly hurled.

The second question is the dispute: He thinks I'm broken for finding Bear Grylls extremely sexy (although I don't think I could kiss a man who drinks his own pee). Please tell me: Am I broken? Or is the man 'fuck me in the toilets because I can't wait to get home'-worthy?

Eagerly awaiting your under-qualified but remarkably astute insights,

A Question of Etiquette

This is my first advice blog since I've come back from Drink-a-palooza, also known as Christmas and my birthday, and I'm so excited to be starting off with an email like this.

First off, I want to thank you for the face love, Mr. Etiquette. I'm now going to try to help you get a little love on your face, if you know what I mean.

I mean ejaculate, in case you were wondering.

Moving on. So your fella wants to join in on all this bisexual fun, but you're worried that he may realize, once he's in the act, that he'd rather vote for Rick Santorum than bang a girl. To that I say-- so what?

Your curious bed-fellow may realize that he's has no interest in diving into the Muff Sea, but then again he might not. He probably won't figure it out until the clothes start coming off.

But then there's the issue of the female. What if she's humiliated that your "completely, not-even-curious-about-girls gay" boyfriend doesn't want to have sex with her? Well, I guess that's a risk she'll have to take.

Listen, in any situation that involves sexual activity, I believe that there should be open communication. When you find a girl that you two agree upon, have a chat with her. Explain that your boyfriend, while curious, isn't sure if he's ready to be with a girl sexually, but that he wants to try.

The girl will either be cool with that idea or not, but I'm going to take a wild guess that any chick who agrees to getting it on with you guys, will not be too broken if your boyfriend has to excuse himself, vomit a bit and grab the camcorder, instead of continuing with the threesome.

That's the thing about exploring fantasies, sometimes you realize they're best left as fantasies. Then you cross that shit off your list.

Now, about the Bear Grylls debate. I wasn't sure if your bf would trust my sexual-attraction meter, me being a vagina-haver and all. So I asked my live-in lover, who I'm about 98 percent certain is straight, and he said he would happily bang Bear Grylls, which I think means that Mr. Piss-Drinking Grylls is a super-duper hottie!

It also means that if you're ever looking for a straight dude to throw into your three-way action, my boyfriend might be available.

You're welcome.


P.S. If after reading this you think, "Wow! That barista knows a lot about threesomes." Write me at notreallyabarista@gmail.com or on Twitter @AllieOopsie. You will remain anonymous!

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Facebook Frenemies

Oh, Facebook.

I know I can't be the only person who gets on the social-networking site and immediately questions every life choice you've ever made if these are the people you consider "friends".

Real Facebook Status

Yep, these are the kind of people who make up my online network. And you guys wonder why I make coffee and talk about adult-baby fetishists.

But besides deleting every single person on my Facebook, there are some things I wish could be outlawed. 

For Example...
  • I wish I never had to see another girl quote Marilyn Monroe as their Facebook status. 

Ladies, I don't know if any of you have wikipedia'ed her, but it didn't turn out too well. Plus, basically anything she's ever said is going to make you look 100 percent batshit crazy.

  • I wish I never had to see another guy update their status with a "make me a sandwich" or "get in the kitchen" joke.

This isn't even a feminist thing, I'm mainly just worried about your virginity. Plus, if you get to tell me to "get in the kitchen" because I'm a female, I get to tell you go in your room and masturbate with tears because you're a World of Warcraft player.

  • I wish I never had to read another heartbroken status from an angsty preteen.

Best give up on love now. How do you feel about cats?

  • I wish I never had to have my feed clogged by that one person who posts sucky music videos.

Nickelback? Really? Defriend.

  • I wish I never had to see another politically-retarded person give their opinion on politics.

Oh... it's gotta go through Congress and shit. Hopefully they prevent the Obama-approved Holocaust. 

This list could go on and on, and while there is a part of me that wants to just deactivate my Facebook and call it a day, I just can't seem to go through with it.

Oh shit, Rick Santorum has 80,000 likes?

Fuck this shit!

Deactivate Account.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Romney Takes New Hampshire and No one is Surprised.

graphic from CNN.com
Mitt Romney won the New Hampshire primary. Holy shit! Is everyone as thoroughly not surprised as I am? I mean, what's not to love about about that sexy, salt-and-pepper bastard, besides his horrible politics, of course.

But that's not the point. Romney won. No one is shocked. Ron Paul came in second, mainly because he reminds everyone of their kooky grandpa who wants to legalize heroin. But what I'm really excited about is that my favorite, evangelical bigot came in next to last.

Yep, Rick Santorum was all smug from his second-place finish in Iowa. He had that shit-eating grin on his face, like he just jacked-off on a gay, illegal immigrant. But now he is last only to Rick Perry, and Perry is still trying to figure out where "Old Hampshire" is, so it's really not saying much.

Now, I know what you might be saying, "Allie, New Hampshire is a more moderate-voting state, Santorum might come back in South Carolina" and to that I say, "Fuck off, let me have this!"

Listen, I hate Rick Santorum. It is an intense, fiery hatred. The fact that he is still in this race makes me more angry than a tea-party member at an interracial wedding. So any defeat, no matter how expected makes me feel better. And while I know that there's not really a chance in hell that he will win this nomination, and my disdain may be better suited towards one of the more eligible candidates. I just can't help it. Until he is out of this race, I will continue to focus on Mr. Google Problem.

So suck it, Santorum. No matter how many primaries you place in, you're top billing will always be "the dude who's name when googled means 'the frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex.'"

Now enjoy this video from the Colbert Report about Santorum's racist slip of the tongue.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

I'm Back. Don't All Scream at Once.

Do you remember that time when your dad left your family right before Christmas? He packed up his bags and said, "Sorry kids, you're mom is an ice-bitch who hasn't touched my penis in eight years." 


Shit. I guess this just got awkward. 

Anyways, I'm back! Thanks to all of you guys who hung around and didn't unfollow me during my brief blogging hiatus.  I had a pretty crazy holiday season and my birthday is New Year's Eve, so basically my insides are just starting to recover from the cheap champagne/birthday cake combo. But I'm back and ready for action, and by action, I mean more political gaffes, dumbass reality TV, and emails from people eager to find out if they can fit a garden gnome up their...

Well, I guess somethings should be saved for later. 

I missed you all, and I'll never leave you again.