Tuesday, May 29, 2012

How to Make a Relationship Last for Nearly a Decade

Tomorrow is my 9th anniversary. Now I know what you're thinking, everyday must be like an extra-stupid fairytale when you live with a man like this.

And you'd be right. But I know everyone can't have him -- that would be way too many sister-wives for me to deal with. 

So I've decided give you all some advice that has allowed my relationship to flourish for nearly a decade, then maybe you guys can go out and take a crack at this love shit yourselves. #Magic

Tip 1: Find a dude who mainly wants to bang you. He's not going to like you for your personality, and he probably won't even like you for your face, so give up on that idea. 

Mateo became determined to meet me after my best friend told him I had big boobs and a phone-sex voice. If that's not the beginning of a love story, I just don't know what is.

Tip 2: Find a partner that's in high school. This is an excellent time to make romantic life decisions. 

Mateo and I started dating when I was 17 years old. He likes to tell people he got me when I was a pup and trained me right. I tell him that I'm going to trade him in for a newer model when he hits 30. Neither one of us are joking.

Tip 3: Take incriminating pictures and/or video of your significant other and then password protect those bitches. 

Mateo would literally leave me almost daily if he wasn't terrified that I would put the video of him dancing naked to Beyonce's "Single Ladies" on the internet. SN: I like to show strangers this video when I'm drunk.

Tip 4: When fighting, don't be afraid to admit you are wrong. Also, don't be afraid to admit that you are a paranoid schizophrenic who has a testicle-stomping fetish.

I like to call my "other half" Delilah the Destroyer.

Tip 5: If you listen to nothing else, remember, never go to bed angry. Unless you're into that kinda thing. 

We are, by the way. 

Happy 9th Anniversary, @Mateojw84! Here's to about 2 more years, 
because I was not playing around, you're gone by 30.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Help! My Sexual Advisor Sucks at her Job

Dear Allie,

How can I make my girlfriend cum? 


Stop spelling it C-U-M. That should about do it, Anon.

Anyone else want to throw their hat in the sex advice ring?

I've got basketball to watch.


P.S. If after reading this you think, "Holy shit! She's really bad at this advice-giving thing. There's not a chance in hell I'll send her an email." Send me one, anyway, at notreallyabarista@gmail.com or message me on Twitter @AllieOopsie.  You will remain anonymous.

Friday, May 11, 2012

How to Sext: Part 2

I've recently noticed that one of my most read blog posts is "Cosmo Teaches Us How to Sext. Thank God". The post is all about Cosmo giving the worst sexting advice to impressionable girls.

I wish I could say people are finding this post because they're looking for a mocking commentary on the women's magazine, but that is just not the case. This piece is popular because when people type a certain phrase into Google, my blog pops up. That phrase is... How To Sext.

When I first wrote about sexting, I had no idea people were so eager to learn the art cellular seduction, but now I feel that it's my duty as an unqualified sex advisor to give the people what they want.

Sexting 101.

  • Arousing visuals are important when it comes to sexting (just ask any congressman/actor/athlete). But that does not mean that great sexting should be all tits and flaccid penises, sometimes a sexy little prop does the trick.
Poorly written erotica doesn't count.

  • Although, it is very important to let your sexting partner know exactly what's waiting for them. Enter the grainy, self-photo of your genitals. Yowza!

Remember to play up your best assets.

  • Okay, forget pictures... Sexting really is all about the naughty details. A great sexter is a champion at tantalizing their partner with some mind-blowing word play. 

Never use the word "ointment" in sexting.

  • If all this stuff seems pretty novice, then maybe you are a big-league sexter. For these pros I would suggest implementing a little fantasy in your sexting. It's like virtual roleplaying.

Maybe sexy librarian would be a better choice.

  • And if all else fails, remember, nothing says "Fuck me like I'm paying your rent" more than an EMOJI!  8====D~~~ ( ;

And they lived happily ever after.

Suck on that, Cosmo! 

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Make the Right Decision, North Carolina

If you've been paying attention to any news outlet or Twitter or your nutty Southern Baptist relatives on Facebook, then you're probably aware that the people of North Carolina will be voting on Amendment One today.

Amendment One is the controversial, and slightly confusing, bill that would define marriage as a union between one man and one woman. This measure would outlaw civil unions, domestic partnerships, and while gay marriage is already illegal in North Carolina, it would add the ban to the state constitution.

The all-encompassing legislation seems to have a healthy share of supporters, which is surprising considering that the South is usually the beacon of acceptance and forward thinking.

Basically, a bunch of Bible-thumping hicks think that this bill is the cat's pajamas, because they like to cherry-pick phrases from the good book that backs up their bigotry. 

Like Pastor Ron Baity, who says that homosexuals should be prosecuted for their "perverted lifestyle".

Really, asshole? Really?

But for all of the horrible people who hate homosexuals, because they undoubtedly want a dick in the mouth, there are a slew of progressive North Carolinians who think that the protections of marriage should be allotted to everyone.

For any of my readers in North Carolina, please do the right thing and vote NO on Amendment One, because every American is entitled to the privileges that a legal marriage provides.

Friday, May 4, 2012

Help! My Boyfriend Won't Bang Me

After being a fan of your blog since its creation, I’ve finally hit a snag and thought, “where should I turn for some advice?” The decision was you, Allie. Help a girl out?

I’ve been seeing a guy for the past seven months, and after the usual period of “you’re new, you’re awesome” passed, we seem to be slowing down to a glaciers pace.

We are both freshmen in college so of course our stress and responsibilities are piled on heavy. The thing is I am realizing things that make me unhappy but am not sure if there is a problem, or if I’m making a problem. See, he is currently taking medication for depression and this means that he has no sex drive, and has decided it would be better if we just didn’t… ever. This is a huge disappointment for me. He is an awesome guy, but I wasn’t ever picturing a relationship where sex was taken off the table. It also makes me feel guilty because I understand that there should be more to a relationship than sex, but I still want it and he is not getting it when I try to bring it up. Also, I feel like he’s taking things to a level they don’t need to be at yet, I met his WHOLE family at Christmas, and he keeps bringing up marriage.

Basically we just aren’t meshing over anything anymore, but I feel like he isn't willing to see it. He is a sensitive guy, and honestly I am scared that if I break up with him he will cry and I will feel like the shittiest person to ever live. I can’t decide if I want to stay with him for the companionship but I consider breaking up with him because he just doesn’t feel right for me and I should decide before things go any farther.

Incredibly Indecisive

Whether it seems like it or not, I take every question sent to me seriously -- okay, I take a majority of the questions sent to me seriously. For this reason, sometimes I feel the need to run an email by a friend, just to hear a second opinion.

Tonight I heard this...

"She's a Freshman in college. She should be girls-gone-wilding it up. Having orgies and shit. Banging girls. Banging guys.  Banging everyone."

This stellar piece of promiscuity-supporting advice, while tainted with creepy enthusiasm, is kind of on point.

I'm not going to sugarcoat it, Indecisive. You should break up with your boyfriend.

No talking it out. No trying to make it better. No drama. No bullshit.

Just break up with him.

Sex is a big damn deal in a relationship, as much as Republicans try to convince us otherwise. This means that no matter how awesome your boyfriend is, if you need sex and he can't meet that need, there's going to be friction. Which will eventually lead to you dry-humping his best friend in a coat closet -- a whole different kind of friction.

In your email you said that "there should be more to the relationship than sex", but I'm pretty sure you're wrong.

As a Freshman in college, your relationship should be about 98 percent boning. This is the time when you figure out what you like, what you don't like, how to tie someone to a bedpost without leaving a single rope-burn. These are your formative sexual years. 'Companionate relationship' shouldn't even be in your vocabulary.

Break up with you boyfriend, Indecisive.

He'll probably cry. You'll probably feel like the shittiest person ever.

But then have some fratboy bang you into his headboard until you can't remember your birthday.

That always makes me feel better.


P.S. If after reading this you think, "I wanna get banged by a fratboy!" Then email me at notreallyabarista@gmail.com or message me on Twitter @AllieOopsie. You will remain anonymous.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Pour Out a Little Liquor: Gingrich Edition

Last week, Ol' Big Noggin Gingrich teased the American public with a promise that he would end this ridiculous joke, also know as, his run for the presidency.

My first reaction to the news of his suspension was, "Wait! How the fuck am I going to get my $2.50/gallon gas?

Dammit. I guess that means I'm back to siphoning it out of cars in the Walmart parking lot.

But then I remembered that the promise to cut gas prices was coming from a bloated, delusional megalomaniac, who has a better chance of riding a magical unicorn to Neverland than landing in the Oval Office.

Then I just wanted to know why this asshole was sending out "save the dates" instead of just pulling the plug on his ailing spouse... err, I mean campaign.

To answer that question, many news outlets are reporting that Gingrich wanted to treat his last week on the campaign trail as a sort of "farewell tour." Shaking hands, throwing out the first pitch at baseball games, going to fairs and having carnies guess the weight of his head. You know, fun stuff.

But all good things must come to an end, and today Gingrich released a video letting his supporters-- and those of us that are sane-- know that he will officially drop out of the race Wednesday.

It's the end of an era, guys. A really stupid era.