Friday, February 14, 2014

HELP! It's Valentines Day and I've Got Problems.

A couple of weeks ago, I asked people to send me their questions regarding love/sex/relationships and anything else that you felt comfortable asking someone who is in no way qualified to give advice.

And then some weird stuff happened, which I'm totally into. So in honor of Valentine's Day, I thought I would get your hearts-a-beatin' with some questions about turtle fucking. You read that right.

Take the day off, Cupid, I've got this love shit covered.

What would be the most reasonable, yet bat-shit crazy thing I can introduce into lovemaking with my wife?

Midgets. Wait, I don't think that is politically correct. A little person. I would introduce a little person into lovemaking with your wife. Now, I know what you're thinking, "Allie, I thought I said reasonable." And you did, but I'm not exactly sure what the dictionary definition of that word is, so I'm going with midget-fucking. Listen, your wife is gonna love it, because it's not quite a threeway, it's more like a two-and-a-half-way and that's called taking it slow.

So go now, scour Craiglist, but remember a lot of these super-sexy little people are basically walking tripods, so bring your A-game. If not, that little rascal might be making some height adjustments to your house in the near future, understand?

Scientifically speaking, what are my chances of hooking up with Rihanna?

Here's  a checklist. Have you ever been arrested? Have you ever been arrested for assaulting a woman? Have you ever thrown a chair out of the Today show dressing room window? Do you like throat tattoos? Were you ever on the Canadian soap, Degrassi? Has anyone ever looked at your naked body and compared you to a horse?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, you have a 97.6 percent chance of being able to hook up with Rihanna. If not, there's always the video where her and Shakira pretend to have lesbian sex.

My wife wants to introduce a turtle into bedroom affairs. What do I say? Why do people want to bang animals anyways?

I've never thought of a turtle as a super sexual animal, maybe a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, but that's mainly because they have masks and I've had a fetish for bank robbers ever since I saw Point Break when I was a kid. (Oh Keanu, you're so dumb and dreamy). Wait, what were we talking about? Oh yeah, fucking turtles. Don't do it. She'll never respect you.

And why do people want to bang animals? Um, I blame that hot werewolf from Twilight.

My wife just stumbled upon my huge selection of '70s pornography. My huge selection (it filled up the trunk of my Honda Civic at one time). She wants to divorce. I want her to grow an amazing bush. What do I do?

I do admire your dedication to '70s pornography, kind sir, but I think you need to let your wife know that you're not some kind of sexual deviant obsessed with powermuffs. Maybe lay off the porn for awhile, donate your collection to the Pornography Historical Society and let her know that you love her for who she is, not her bush.

Then hide all of her razors.

I'm afraid that my boyfriend might be cheating on me. He's always texting but never tells me who it is, keeps his FB annoyingly private, and hasn't had a lot of time for me lately? What should I do?

I don't think you should be so quick to judge, maybe your boyfriend is a spy. Have you ever thought about that? He's out making sure the world is a safer place for the both of us and you're too busy worrying about the privacy settings on his Facebook. Just kidding, he sounds horrible. Unfortunately, there's no way to find out for sure if the scumbag is cheating. I'd say trust your gut in this scenario, because if something doesn't feel right it usually isn't. 

Now for what to do, I've got one question ... how's your pubic hair, because I think I might have the perfect rebound guy for you.

I've always dreamed about experiencing erotica in a public establishment, preferably an airplane, train, or some other mode of public transportation. Maybe even a tricycle. How and where do I go to find someone who would be interested?

I don't know, maybe the Internet.


And that's it, ladies and gents! I hope each and every one of you have a special Valentine's Day or at least a special day after Valentine's Day once candy is 75% off. 

I love you all and would totally put a hand-written valentine in each one of your lockers if this was 7th grade, but it's not, so you wanna take whatever Miley Cyrus is on and watch that Shakira video on repeat?

No? Okay, worth a shot.

P.S. If after reading this you think, I'd like to get some horrible advice from the girl who makes my coffee, then write to me at And as always, you will remain anonymous.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Top 12 Ways for the Internet to STFU.

I'm a failure at life.

I feel like we all know this by now and just to set the record straight, I'm in no way looking for encouragement or someone to negate the aforementioned statement. I'm cool with it. I have plenty of time to stop being a failure, and if not there's always cake, so either way I'll be good.

Now that we've gotten that out of the way and you know that you can take this post with a grain of salt, let me begin my rant.

If I see one more article titled "100 Ways to Live Your Best Life Before 100," I'm going to burn some shit down.

At first, it wasn't such a big deal, it was kinda endearing. I'd open the link thinking, "I'd like to know the 25 things you wish you knew before 25," maybe it will help me figure out what I should do with my life, aside from making latte art.

But then the article was just filled with haughty bullshit. "Go on adventures.""Travel the World." "Take a salsa class." "Buy a vibrator." Really? That's the life lessons you felt you had to offer the younger generation? Take that shit elsewhere.

And despite the fact that this fluffy garbage isn't really helpful, it is everywhere. In fact, I'm pretty sure I just saw a New York Times headline read, "How to out-Beyonce Beyonce before 35 in 5 easy steps."

Is this the kind of content they think millenials are craving? How stupid do they think we are?

"Top 17 Things to do B4 You're 29."

"8 Ways to Not Suck at Life."

"30 Lessons You Must Learn by 30."

"65 Thing You Have to do or You Should Put a Gun in Your Mouth."

I have a problem with these types of articles for a few reasons. Firstly, it's not a real piece of writing--it's a list. I make one of those when I go grocery shopping. Furthermore, it's fucking bullshit.

Bullshit in my opinion, at least.

I don't dig blanket statements. I don't like to ever assume that because something was right for me, it is right for everyone. We all come from different places, different backgrounds. My story may not resonate with someone and vice versa. And that is okay, that doesn't make my truth any less valuable.

And while yes, I do believe somethings are universally true--people are equal, don't be an asshole for no reason--the faux wisdom of these "articles" make me insane. Mainly, because I don't think any of us really know anything for sure. Aren't most of the ideas about life fluid and easily altered? And isn't life about experience and making mistakes and learning our own lessons, instead of living by numbers based on someone else's advice.

I mean, sure some things are a give-in. Don't date Chris Brown. Don't give yourself at-home highlights. Don't do meth. But I think everything else is pretty fair game.

But then again, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe these lists contain advice that some people are desperate to hear. I've been there, reaching out, hoping for some type of clarity in this crazy fucking world--but I can say that my longing was never satiated by some thoughtful piece written by a performance artist/mime on HuffPo.

However, if I was going to give advice for people before whatever age is the new freak out age, it would be this. Be kind to yourself and to other people. Don't be afraid of failure or uncertainty, because we can pretty much survive anything. Learn empathy. And listen to your gut, because I honestly believe that everything you need to know is already inside of you.

But what do I know, I'm just a barista.

P.S. I want to end this post giving a big Thank You to all of the people who reached out to me when I mentioned I was having a bit of writer's block lately, i.e. being super lazy and binge-watching Netflix. It really means a lot to have people take time out of their day to encourage some girl who makes coffee and writes about dicks on the internet.

And I want to give a special thanks to Greg writing over at 28 Days at the Bar. Greg was one of my recent cheerleaders, who wrote me a short novel giving me all the encouragement my parents never did. So thanks, Greg, we're now in love, just so you know. But seriously, go check out his sports and entertainment blog or follow him on Twitter! Who knows, some newfound sports knowledge might get your laid. You're welcome.