Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Happy Holidays... I'm Too Drunk to Blog Consistently

Hello all of you sexy subscribin' motherfuckers! You may have noticed that my blogging has been sporadic at best as of lately, and as much as I'd like to have a good excuse for you, I don't. It's mainly because I'm busy eating my body weight in cheese logs, drinking wine from an easy-pour spout, and completely ignoring any trace of my Jewish heritage.

Basically, I'm celebrating Christmas!

 Just like Rick Perry would want me to, and since he gave me the best gift of all (dressing up like a gay cowboy and solidifying that he will never win the nomination by making a painfully homophobic political ad) I should really do this holiday up right!

So Merry Christmas, everyone! I will get back to blogging regularly shortly after the holiday season, and until then I'll leave you with this.

Happy Winter Solstice, Mr. Perry!

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Welcome to the '50s: Michele Bachmann Edition

Michele Bachmann is about as detrimental to feminism, as, well, Michele Bachmann. We're all aware of this by now. But it seems that this crazy-eyed bitch is always trying to up the ante.

Enter: Michele Bachmann's interview with Sean Hannity.

Mrs. Bachmann explains that she didn't go to her prom. Why you ask? Because she didn't ask boys out! Duh! What do you think she is, a whore? Nope. She's a beard. Get your facts straight.

Anywho, the time-honored tradition of gender submission continues on in the Bachmann household. She told Hannity that her daughters are not allowed to ask boys out on dates. The boys have to be the ones to call.

Just in case you forgot, Mrs. Bachmann is trying to become America's first female president. Who else thinks these rules about not calling boys are going to make things really difficult if she makes it to the White House?

Ugh, why won't Vladimir call?!?

Anyways, here's audio from the Hannity/Bachmann interview.

Shit like this almost makes me miss Palin. 


Friday, December 9, 2011

Help! I'm Hard to Please

Hi Allie,

Wow! I feel special! I never thought I would have the good fortune of getting your sex advice about how to have sex with my doctor and her large breasted assistant. Now I have a plan!

I never realized that women were so insightful and caring and willing to have sex just to fulfil my fantasies! Cool.

One thing I forgot to mention (and it may take all of your sex therapist powers)... how do I get them to have sex with each other first?

Thank you,
Nameless male with impossible fantasies.

Persistant little bastard, isn't he? 

For those of you unfamiliar with NMWIF, he wrote in last week eager to get some hot, albeit make believe, sex with his huge-breasted doctor and office manager. I gave him excellent advice on how to get these women to have sex with him. You can find it here.

But I think my pain threshold for pretend advice has reached its limit, so I'm leaving it up to you guys. 

How can NMWIF get his doctor and her office manager to have sex with each other? Feel free to make the advice horrible, embarrassing, and likely to get our little fella arrested. 

Make me proud, kiddos!

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

The Only Thing Satisfying about Herman Cain is His Pizza

By now we're all aware that Herman Cain and his penis are out of the presidential race, and they can go back to changing the world one pizza at a time.

Now normally, I love any opportunity to mock GOP candidates when they do dumbass things that cost them their careers. It's my passion, really. But Mr. Cain has had a rough couple of weeks. I mean, he's had multiple women come forward to talk about sexual impropriety on the part of the former presidential hopeful, he's had to deal with telling his wife that he was paying another bitch's rent for 13 years, and now that other woman has given an interview explaining that Mr. Cain was lousy in bed.

Ginger White, the woman who Mr. Cain shared an extramarital "friendship" with talked to the Daily Beast about how she wasn't always in the moment while she had sex with him.

 "One time we were having sex, and I was looking up at the ceiling, thinking about 'What am I going to buy at the grocery store tomorrow? What am I going to do with my kids tomorrow?'"
-Ginger White, The Daily Beast

Wow... She's thinking about her kids while you're banging her, bro?  You know, Obama can make a bitch scream just by saying her name slow.

So while I want to have a little song and dance party, I won't. Because having some random woman, with a name that set her up to be either a stripper or on Gilligan's Island, says you suck in the sack, you need some sympathy.

Go on, Herman. I'll let this one slide. But you better believe that when Rick Santorum drops out of the race because he was caught giving Marcus Bachmann a rimjob, it's going to be a bloodbath! 

Sunday, December 4, 2011

TLC Presents: 30 Year Old Virgins and the Basements They Live In

Oh, TLC.

First, you regaled us with the stories of kiddie beauty queens (none of which will hump a strip-club stage by the age of 16). Then, we learned about a family who has 20 kids (none of which will be gay or serial killers). Now, the channel dedicated solely to learning is debuting a new series about people in their late-20s/early-30s who have retained their virginity in an over-sexualized world.

The Virgin Diaries debuts tonight and "takes you inside the lives of adult virgins who reveal the challenges, truths, and anticipations of losing their virginity" (TLC).

Like this lovely, soon-to-be-married couple, who are anxiously awaiting the moment they can figure out how to use those silly, ol' genitals of theirs. But besides being eager to go to pound-town these crazy kids, umm... adults are saving their first kiss until their wedding day also.

I think it's going to be magical. Let's have a look.

Nailed it!

Look at that passion-filled kiss. Can you imagine what he's going to do to her clitoris? I mean, when he finds it in 10-12 years, of course.

Listen I'm a huge fan of awkward freak shows, I do live in the South. But seriously TLC, must you exploit every creepy, unsightly segment of the American population? You're making us look bad to Canada!

But what do I know? This is just a teaser. When I watch tonight (oh, I'll be watching) I might fall in love with these hapless, hymenally-sealed losers. Hell, I might decide to take my own sexuality to task. Maybe I'll reclaim my virginity!

Yeah, probably not.

Friday, December 2, 2011

Help! I Want to Have Sex with My Huge-Boobed Doctor

Love your blog! Here's my sex question... how come I want to have sex with my doctor (female) and her office manager (also female). They both have large breasts--could that be it? Better yet, how can I make them want to have sex with me? 

This is the first letter I have ever received at I'm Not Really a Barista that is so obviously set up. And to be honest, I'm flattered. I mean, someone took time out of their day to create a little scenario and to ask my advice on it. I think that means I've made it... and by made it, I mean, I'm still a barista and writing about sex on the internet. Success!!! 

Moving on. So, Horny Nameless Male, I'm going to answer your question, because even if this is a fake letter, answering it will be good practice for my eventual job writing for Penthouse. 

Now, HNM, I can't exactly tell you why you want to have sex with your doctor and her office manager. It could be because they remind you of your mom. It might be because they have a strong, lady musk that gets your boner juices flowing. But I can say, with 100 percent certainty, that it's not because they have large breasts! I mean, what kind of disgusting, pig of a man would only want to have sex with a woman because she has large breasts. What a terrifying world that would be! 

Anyways, the reasons why you want to bang these medical professionals doesn't really matter. Well, at least not to me. I'm an unqualified sexual advisor, not an unqualified sexual therapist. I'm here to get you laid! And this is how you are going to do it!

First, you need to make a doctor's appointment. Then, you need to get these two busty broads in an examining room together, this should be relatively easy considering that women like to go places in groups. Once all of you are in there, let your doctor know that you are having an issue, a private issue. It's going to go a little like this:

You: So Doctor Juggs, I can't seem to control my sexual appetite! It seems like no matter how many women I bring to screaming orgasms. I can't get enough. It's almost like one woman isn't enough for me. <Make eye contact with Office Manager Huge Tits>  Do you think there is anything you guys can do to help me?

At this time, the two women will look at one another, give the secret threesome nod, and start SexFest 2011. 

Bing. Bang. Boom. You're making babies.



P.S. If after reading this you think, "Wow! That was the dumbest thing I've ever read." Write me at or on Twitter @AllieOopsie. You will remain anonymous!