Tuesday, December 6, 2011

The Only Thing Satisfying about Herman Cain is His Pizza

By now we're all aware that Herman Cain and his penis are out of the presidential race, and they can go back to changing the world one pizza at a time.

Now normally, I love any opportunity to mock GOP candidates when they do dumbass things that cost them their careers. It's my passion, really. But Mr. Cain has had a rough couple of weeks. I mean, he's had multiple women come forward to talk about sexual impropriety on the part of the former presidential hopeful, he's had to deal with telling his wife that he was paying another bitch's rent for 13 years, and now that other woman has given an interview explaining that Mr. Cain was lousy in bed.

Ginger White, the woman who Mr. Cain shared an extramarital "friendship" with talked to the Daily Beast about how she wasn't always in the moment while she had sex with him.

 "One time we were having sex, and I was looking up at the ceiling, thinking about 'What am I going to buy at the grocery store tomorrow? What am I going to do with my kids tomorrow?'"
-Ginger White, The Daily Beast

Wow... She's thinking about her kids while you're banging her, bro?  You know, Obama can make a bitch scream just by saying her name slow.

So while I want to have a little song and dance party, I won't. Because having some random woman, with a name that set her up to be either a stripper or on Gilligan's Island, says you suck in the sack, you need some sympathy.

Go on, Herman. I'll let this one slide. But you better believe that when Rick Santorum drops out of the race because he was caught giving Marcus Bachmann a rimjob, it's going to be a bloodbath! 


Ally Gregory said...

No way Cain's wife didn't know what all was going on.

She probably didn't mind though, because it meant she didn't have to have sex with him.

MonsteRawr said...

To be fair, your expectations of an old guy who looks like a muppet couldn't be terribly high to begin with.

L-Kat said...

Maybe Ginger is a chronic multi-tasker. Just sayin'...it could be a possibility.

Allie said...

Ally- Lol good point... If I was his wife, I would have paid her rent so as not to have to have sex with him.

MonsteRawr- You're right! He really does look like a muppet!!

L-Kat- That's true. He could have been incredible, and that bitch just couldn't keep her OCD in check!

Thank_Q said...

She really said that? LOL! If a woman said she was thinking about errands while having sex with me on national TV, I'd show up and do her on camera just to preserve my rep. That's so humiliating. That alone was a good reason to drop out of the race. Who wants to be on TV knowing that during a debate, Michelle Bachmann may ask, "How can you keep America's attention when you can't even keep your lover's attention?"