Friday, October 21, 2011

Help! I'm DTF a D-BAG

Hi Allie!
I just stumbled across your blog, courtesy of 20sb, and I'm in awe of your awesomeness.  Your blog is what my blog wants to be when it grows up.  

So, I have an actual boy dilemma and would love a snarky/ridiculous response:

A guy I'm interested in has made it clear that he wants to get down and dirty with me.  I'm totally into this, since I'm not looking for a boyfriend right now.  However, I think he might be hiding a somewhat serious girlfriend from me.  How do I find out the truth, and if he turns out to be a douche, how do I teach him a lesson?

The Other Woman

I'm hungover. 

How hungover you ask?

Really fucking hungover! Stop asking me questions my head hurts!

Anyways, since I'm in the delicate state that I am in, I'm going to make this short and sweet.

First, TOW, thanks for all the blogging love. I hope you still love me after I dispense some horrible advice your way.

As I read your letter, TOW, I couldn't help but wonder if you were Amish. I mean, that would be the only reason why I would guess that you couldn't just pop your cute, little tushie over to Facebook and check out your suitor's relationship status. If this fella is in a "serious relationship" that he is hiding from you, I'm going to assume he is not hiding it from his girlfriend. 

So go. Take a looksie. I'll wait.

Okay so when you went over to Zuckerberg-land did you see this.

No? Then leave this kid THE FUCK ALONE! Listen, I understand that sometimes it is tempting to get caught up in a scandalous, tawdry affair, but trust me, it won't be worth it. Unless, this guy is Bradley-fucking-Cooper with a tripod-like penis and can breathe through his ears, it won't be worth it. 

Because the following will happen: his girlfriend will find out and make it a mission to kill you. Why? Well, because it's a lot easier to get mad at the girl than your cheating bitch of a boyfriend. 

So let this one go, TOW. You obviously have great taste (you like me) and you will find a random dude to fuck who is on your level. 

And if you want to get back at him  use the same social-media site. Take an image-capture of one of his text propositioning down-and-dirty time and then tag that shit on Facebook. 

Girlfriend? What girlfriend?

I'm going to go change my relationship status to IN AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP now, because I want to get down and dirty with every last one of you.


P.S. If after reading this you think, "Wow sex is really confusing!" Write me at or on Twitter @AllieOopsie. You will remain anonymous!

9 comments: said...

Allow me to post my resume out there for the position of "Stunt Penis"

Jason said...

Wow, that was great.

A Beer for the Shower said...

Just have to say, the title of this post was fantastic. Sounds like you could use a little whiskey to fix that headache.

Allie said...

Lost- Wonderful. Always in need of a stunt penis.

Jason- thanks!

Beer- thanks... And I could always use a little whiskey. I'm from the South.

Megan said...

That's hilarious! And I love how easy such things are nowdays - thank goodness for Facebook!

Ellizabeth said...

Facebook is awesome.

Allie said...

Megan and Elizabeth- Amen! Facebook makes stalking so much easier.

Thank_Q said...

LOL! This is awesome.

the Tsaritsa said...

Excellent response! I'm amazed that someone would randomly email you for such advice, but the internet is a crazy place!