Friday, October 21, 2011

Help! I'm DTF a D-BAG

Hi Allie!
I just stumbled across your blog, courtesy of 20sb, and I'm in awe of your awesomeness.  Your blog is what my blog wants to be when it grows up.  

So, I have an actual boy dilemma and would love a snarky/ridiculous response:

A guy I'm interested in has made it clear that he wants to get down and dirty with me.  I'm totally into this, since I'm not looking for a boyfriend right now.  However, I think he might be hiding a somewhat serious girlfriend from me.  How do I find out the truth, and if he turns out to be a douche, how do I teach him a lesson?

Thanks,
The Other Woman

I'm hungover. 

How hungover you ask?

Really fucking hungover! Stop asking me questions my head hurts!

Anyways, since I'm in the delicate state that I am in, I'm going to make this short and sweet.


First, TOW, thanks for all the blogging love. I hope you still love me after I dispense some horrible advice your way.


As I read your letter, TOW, I couldn't help but wonder if you were Amish. I mean, that would be the only reason why I would guess that you couldn't just pop your cute, little tushie over to Facebook and check out your suitor's relationship status. If this fella is in a "serious relationship" that he is hiding from you, I'm going to assume he is not hiding it from his girlfriend. 


So go. Take a looksie. I'll wait.


Okay so when you went over to Zuckerberg-land did you see this.




No? Then leave this kid THE FUCK ALONE! Listen, I understand that sometimes it is tempting to get caught up in a scandalous, tawdry affair, but trust me, it won't be worth it. Unless, this guy is Bradley-fucking-Cooper with a tripod-like penis and can breathe through his ears, it won't be worth it. 

Because the following will happen: his girlfriend will find out and make it a mission to kill you. Why? Well, because it's a lot easier to get mad at the girl than your cheating bitch of a boyfriend. 

So let this one go, TOW. You obviously have great taste (you like me) and you will find a random dude to fuck who is on your level. 

And if you want to get back at him  use the same social-media site. Take an image-capture of one of his text propositioning down-and-dirty time and then tag that shit on Facebook. 

Girlfriend? What girlfriend?

I'm going to go change my relationship status to IN AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP now, because I want to get down and dirty with every last one of you.


XOXO,
 Allie

P.S. If after reading this you think, "Wow sex is really confusing!" Write me at notreallyabarista@gmail.com or on Twitter @AllieOopsie. You will remain anonymous!

9 comments:

Unknown said...

Allow me to post my resume out there for the position of "Stunt Penis"

Jason said...

Wow, that was great.

A Beer for the Shower said...

Just have to say, the title of this post was fantastic. Sounds like you could use a little whiskey to fix that headache.

Allie said...

Lost- Wonderful. Always in need of a stunt penis.

Jason- thanks!

Beer- thanks... And I could always use a little whiskey. I'm from the South.

Megan said...

That's hilarious! And I love how easy such things are nowdays - thank goodness for Facebook!

Ellizabeth said...

Facebook is awesome.

Allie said...

Megan and Elizabeth- Amen! Facebook makes stalking so much easier.

Talk2Q said...

LOL! This is awesome.

the Tsaritsa said...

Excellent response! I'm amazed that someone would randomly email you for such advice, but the internet is a crazy place!