Friday, October 28, 2011

Help! My Boyfriend Wants Anal More Than a Republican Congressman

Dear Allie,

My boyfriend of about six months really wants to have anal sex with me. It's all he talks about. I want to make him happy, but I'm scared that it's going to hurt too bad, plus I'm concerned about the cleanliness stuff.

If I go through with it, what do I need to know? Are there any tips that will make it easier. Any advice would be appreciated!

Scared of Anal

Suck it, Ann Landers! Is anyone asking you how to successfully have tushie sex? 

Nope, I didn't think so.

Sure, this blog will ensure that I never get hired as anything other than a latte-maker or one of Nevada's legal hookers, but who cares, I'm doing the work of angels. 

Now, let's get this girl so comfortable with anal that she will be bent over like Roberto Arango at a Bachmann after-party.

Alright, SOA, there's a few things I want to ask before I give my tips on anal. First, do you want to do this or are you just doing it to appease your pain-in-the-ass boyfriend? If it's the latter, then I want you to think about actually going through with it. I think most sex acts, especially those we aren't initially comfortable with, should be done because of some personal desire to do it.

But for sake of giving advice, I'm going to assume that deep down you want to GET IT IN. So here's my advice for an anal-newbie.
  1. RELAX. Seriously! Breathe. Don't tense up. And it might even help if you have a more traditional form of sex beforehand so your body is already in Go-Mode.
  2. Lube. Water-based if you are using condoms and maybe something oil-based (because of the lasting factor) if you guys are condom-less. Remember to be safe. Tests done, etc.
  3. Speed. Go slow until your comfortable and make sure you pass this morsel of advice on to your seemingly eager boyfriend. 
  4. Call the shots. Come to the agreement that if you begin to feel overwhelmed you can stop the act. This veto power might make you feel in control enough to get through any inhibitions.
  5. Cleanliness. A little gross I know, but try to have some type of movement before you partake in the act. If you're still feeling self-conscious, buy an enema and call it a day.
Other than that, it's up to you, SOA. You are the only person who knows your body and what you are comfortable with. Hopefully this helps! 

Now. Go. Perform an act that will make your father wake up in a cold sweat with a desire to buy a gun.


P.S. If after reading this you think, "Hmm... is that a ingrown hair or herpes?" Write me at or on Twitter @AllieOopsie. You will remain anonymous!


BlackLOG said...

My thoughts - if he is that desperate to try anal why not let the little lady loose on his nether regions first, with the “Humpinator penetrator” (patent pending – once the 7 legal cases for unexplained death have been cleaned up) – none of that battery operated shit – we are talking plug it into the wall, 12 gear full thrust forward with enough added whirly bits to make a male sheep blush (even a Welsh one).

Once he comes out of hospital, after his full anal reconstruction, Let’s see how eager he is to plug her buttocks...especially if she has an option to use the Humpinator penetrator on him every time he does a bit of uphill gardening ....
first said...

Two words: Butt Plug. Start off with something small, and work your way up to dick-thickness. This way, it gets YOU used to the feeling, and it's something you can use to loosen yourself up before HE tries to work his way in.

I'm a guy. I like it tight. But if you're so tense your sphincter is like the hoover dam, I'm not gonna be able to get in. Lube (I prefer silicone) and a little bit of prepwork will make it much easier for both parties involved.

Thank you. I'll be here all week. Don't forget to tip your waiter.

Allie said...

BlackLOG- I see a guest-post in your future. This is your calling in life.

Lost- That was great advice. I think you might have done this before.

Noriko said...

Great advice. Especially about the relaxing part. Also make sure the boyfriend knows to pull out SLOWLY after it's all done, to allow her enough time to make it to the bathroom.

Unless they have plastic down and they're into that shit...