Friday, September 10, 2010

King of the Dogs

 I know my whole schtick is "I'm not really a barista," and I'M NOT because if I was, I would go to my roof and swiftly throw myself off of it. But that's not the point. I think I've been so busy talking about who I'm not, that I've completely forgot to mention who I am.

So, I thought it was only right to introduce a few things about myself to my loyal readers, all two of you, (hi mom) and I wanted to start with the cutest damn thing about me and that would be my English Bulldog Zeus.

Zeusface Killah came into my life a little over a year ago via Craigslist, which proves that the website has many other uses other than directory for prostitutes (see post below).
Zeus is the most delicious form of dog. He's funny-looking, snores, makes noises like dinosaur, drools and overall, is just one squishy pile of extra-large loving. And he's all mine.
I always wanted an English bulldog because of all the reasons listed above but because of their abnormally large heads or something like that momma bulldogs can't have normal baby bulldog births, which means that those wrinkly little bastards are about as much as a car. And since I make coffee, not counterfeit money, I always assumed that they would be out of my price range. But my fella scoured the internet and finally found someone who was looking for a good home for their English bulldog. So we called them, left out any mention of our drinking and intervenous drug use, and soon enough I had the super-meaty puppy of my dreams. I've attached a kinda poor quality video below of the boy, proving that his abnormally large bulldog head is not exactly space for an abnormally large bulldog brain. Enjoy Zeus and the laser pointer.

What did you do with my whores, Craig?

 If you haven't heard yet, Craigslist has removed the "adult services" section from its website. Now, I know you're probably thinking, "what does this mean for me?" Well, your favorite little barista/blogger is here to help. I decided to compile a list of how the absence of "adult services" might impact you and those around you.

  1. Massages will no longer be sensual. Yep, you heard me. The act of getting an oily rubdown from a stranger while in your skivvies will have to go back to being professional.  
  2. Escorts will now be advertsing on Facebook. Which means the suggested friends box is about to get really awkward, i.e., "Why is dad friends with someone named, 'The Hung Cowboy?'"
  3. College grads who have taken to the site aching to pay off exorbitant loans are now going to have to hit the streets. Meaning, that philosophy degree won't be of much help while going toe-to-toe with Candy and her broken beer bottle. 
  4. Evangelical leaders will now only be able to cruise for dudes at their gay-to-straight camps.
  5. Ever wanted to be tied up and beat by a leather-bound, transvestite midget? Yeah. Well, that's gonna be a little bit harder to make happen now.
  6. See number 4. Replace evangelical leaders with politicians and gay-to-straight camps with public restrooms.
  7. The pimp you encounter might be named Craig. He probably has a list. But he will most certainly  have a gun, so you should try your best to not end up on his list. 
If after you read this, all hope seems lost, don't despair. There's a reason it is called "the oldest profession." Hookers are a wily bunch and will no doubt find a way to use technology to their advantage. I'm thinking Twitter, so remember to look for @leatherbound_midget and until then get a professional massage and relax.