Sunday, December 4, 2011

TLC Presents: 30 Year Old Virgins and the Basements They Live In

Oh, TLC.

First, you regaled us with the stories of kiddie beauty queens (none of which will hump a strip-club stage by the age of 16). Then, we learned about a family who has 20 kids (none of which will be gay or serial killers). Now, the channel dedicated solely to learning is debuting a new series about people in their late-20s/early-30s who have retained their virginity in an over-sexualized world.

The Virgin Diaries debuts tonight and "takes you inside the lives of adult virgins who reveal the challenges, truths, and anticipations of losing their virginity" (TLC).

Like this lovely, soon-to-be-married couple, who are anxiously awaiting the moment they can figure out how to use those silly, ol' genitals of theirs. But besides being eager to go to pound-town these crazy kids, umm... adults are saving their first kiss until their wedding day also.

I think it's going to be magical. Let's have a look.

Nailed it!

Look at that passion-filled kiss. Can you imagine what he's going to do to her clitoris? I mean, when he finds it in 10-12 years, of course.

Listen I'm a huge fan of awkward freak shows, I do live in the South. But seriously TLC, must you exploit every creepy, unsightly segment of the American population? You're making us look bad to Canada!

But what do I know? This is just a teaser. When I watch tonight (oh, I'll be watching) I might fall in love with these hapless, hymenally-sealed losers. Hell, I might decide to take my own sexuality to task. Maybe I'll reclaim my virginity!

Yeah, probably not.


Carrymel said...


Oh, Allie. . .Why have you shown me this? You know I don't know how to act. Lol.

Ahhhh he was biting her face!! Come on man, 30 years and you couldn't practice on your hand or something?

I'm really scared for them.

LatteJunkie said...

Oh holy hellfire! I get waiting to have sex until marriage but never kissing each other? Really?

Is kissing a gateway drug? Like once you kiss you will be bumping uglies in less than two minutes?

I am never going to be able to unsee that kiss!

Rebeka said...

Ohhhhhh my gosh. That made me so uncomfortable watching. And that kiss? Oh. my. gosh. WOW! I can't even imagine what their first time is going to be like.. usually people ease into it (like, you know, learn how to kiss before having sex).

Maxwell said...

I nearly hurt myself laughing at this...

And while that guy may have never kissed a woman on the lips, I'll put even money on the fact that he's had his dick inside of the ass of a ten-year-old boy. Perhaps at Penn State.

MonsteRawr said...

Hey, this is a serious topic! Everyone knows that you get pregnant from kissing. If we want to take care of this teen pregnancy problem we need to start teaching "cheek rubbing only" sex ed in our schools. Tongue can wait!

Fucking kill me.

Heather Rose said...

Oh god. This made me more uncomfortable than that time I visited Penn State as a child... Just kidding, Jerry was a total gentleman.

Please excuse me while I go curl up under my desk and rock until that mental image goes away.

Ally Gregory said...

Let's just be honest here.

No one makes it to 30 as a virgin willingly.

It is obvious that creepster guy got turned down a lot.

Britt said...


When I saw the Ad for this show... and saw that kiss... it reminded me why first kisses should happen when you're 13(ish?), in a dark room... maybe with a bottle. Or in a closet. Either way, it's dark enough that no one has to see the drool on your chin. said...

Clearly that guy was just hungry and he mistook his bride's face for a ham.

Sad fact: I share my fair city with one of this shows creators.

Cary said...

Wow... Granted, my second cousin and his wife didn't kiss until they got married (and then she got preggers on their wedding night), but yikes.

Shane Pilgrim said...

Everybody was talking about this last night in one of my classes. Someone even pulled the YouTube video up on her phone and showed them eating each other's faces. I thought it was hilarious. The same girl told us that one of the people in the show "reclaimed her virginity" even though she had slept with 7 guys in her lifetime. Really? Really? She needs to get bent over and taken doggy style with the dildo-knife from Se7en.

Has anyone else seen Clerks 2? Remember the scene when Elias talks his girlfriend's "pussy troll" and "mouth troll"? I'd link it, but I'm at work and I don't feel like explaining to the IT Department why I searched pussy troll on YouTube.


Lorraine said...

It's a good thing they waited until they were married, because everyone knows that if you have sex before marriage you get pregnant and then die.


Allie said...

Nhya- Lol! I seriously thought the same thing. Like, "Come on, man, you couldn't have kissed a mirror or something?"

Latte- I think there is abstinence-only educators somewehere trying to prove that kissing is, in fact, a gateway drug!

Rebeka- I imagine it will be over quick, so luckily that girl won't have to deal with it for long.

Maxwell- Hmm something tells me this guy has no clue that anal sex is even an option.

MonsteRawr- I think you are onto something!!! Cheek rubbing is the only safe route!

Heather- Lol It's going to take a while. Even creepy ol' Jerry probably thinks that image is disturbing.

Ally- Yeah, I'm sure he's heard a lot of the word No! Like, "No I will not butterfly kiss you. Get away from me, you creepy bastard."

Britt-Agreed! You know everyone in the audience felt their stomach turn a little during that kiss.

Sugar free- Lol Don't be ashamed. As long as you don't share your city with the creepy kissing guy.

Cary- Hopefully your 2nd cousin had a little more luck with the whole first kiss thing.

Shane- LMAO!! I completely forgot about the "pussy troll" from Clerks 2. This girl definitely had a "pillowpants" and a "listerfiend."

Lorraine- I love you! I'm going to watch Mean Girls now!