Help! Boy/Boy/Girl Threesomes are Stressful!

Dear Allie,

Firstly - I love you all over your face for the blog. the advice you dispense is always wonderful.

This letter has two questions in it, the first a conundrum, the second a dispute to settle between my boyfriend and I:

The first one is that my boyfriend has a bit of a thing for bisexual men (as in, it turns him on that I'm attracted to girls - lucky me!). The practical up-shot of this is that he likes to watch while I pash girls, and has even filmed it once or twice while I've slept with
them. But, he wants to take it to the next level and actually be there/engage with both of us next time - which I'm fine with. It's just that he's completely, not-even-curious-about-girls gay. Basically - what should we do if he can't, when it happens? Obviously, it'd be embarrassing for him, awkward for me and possibly soul-shattering for her. The last time he tried to get with a chick, he nearly hurled.

The second question is the dispute: He thinks I'm broken for finding Bear Grylls extremely sexy (although I don't think I could kiss a man who drinks his own pee). Please tell me: Am I broken? Or is the man 'fuck me in the toilets because I can't wait to get home'-worthy?

Eagerly awaiting your under-qualified but remarkably astute insights,

A Question of Etiquette


This is my first advice blog since I've come back from Drink-a-palooza, also known as Christmas and my birthday, and I'm so excited to be starting off with an email like this.

First off, I want to thank you for the face love, Mr. Etiquette. I'm now going to try to help you get a little love on your face, if you know what I mean.

I mean ejaculate, in case you were wondering.

Moving on. So your fella wants to join in on all this bisexual fun, but you're worried that he may realize, once he's in the act, that he'd rather vote for Rick Santorum than bang a girl. To that I say-- so what?

Your curious bed-fellow may realize that he's has no interest in diving into the Muff Sea, but then again he might not. He probably won't figure it out until the clothes start coming off.

But then there's the issue of the female. What if she's humiliated that your "completely, not-even-curious-about-girls gay" boyfriend doesn't want to have sex with her? Well, I guess that's a risk she'll have to take.

Listen, in any situation that involves sexual activity, I believe that there should be open communication. When you find a girl that you two agree upon, have a chat with her. Explain that your boyfriend, while curious, isn't sure if he's ready to be with a girl sexually, but that he wants to try.

The girl will either be cool with that idea or not, but I'm going to take a wild guess that any chick who agrees to getting it on with you guys, will not be too broken if your boyfriend has to excuse himself, vomit a bit and grab the camcorder, instead of continuing with the threesome.

That's the thing about exploring fantasies, sometimes you realize they're best left as fantasies. Then you cross that shit off your list.

Now, about the Bear Grylls debate. I wasn't sure if your bf would trust my sexual-attraction meter, me being a vagina-haver and all. So I asked my live-in lover, who I'm about 98 percent certain is straight, and he said he would happily bang Bear Grylls, which I think means that Mr. Piss-Drinking Grylls is a super-duper hottie!

It also means that if you're ever looking for a straight dude to throw into your three-way action, my boyfriend might be available.

You're welcome.

 XOXO

                                                         Allie

P.S. If after reading this you think, "Wow! That barista knows a lot about threesomes." Write me at notreallyabarista@gmail.com or on Twitter @AllieOopsie. You will remain anonymous!

Help! My Boyfriend Wants Anal More Than a Republican Congressman

Dear Allie,

My boyfriend of about six months really wants to have anal sex with me. It's all he talks about. I want to make him happy, but I'm scared that it's going to hurt too bad, plus I'm concerned about the cleanliness stuff.

If I go through with it, what do I need to know? Are there any tips that will make it easier. Any advice would be appreciated!

Thanks,

Scared of Anal

Suck it, Ann Landers! Is anyone asking you how to successfully have tushie sex? 

Nope, I didn't think so.

Sure, this blog will ensure that I never get hired as anything other than a latte-maker or one of Nevada's legal hookers, but who cares, I'm doing the work of angels. 

Now, let's get this girl so comfortable with anal that she will be bent over like Roberto Arango at a Bachmann after-party.

Alright, SOA, there's a few things I want to ask before I give my tips on anal. First, do you want to do this or are you just doing it to appease your pain-in-the-ass boyfriend? If it's the latter, then I want you to think about actually going through with it. I think most sex acts, especially those we aren't initially comfortable with, should be done because of some personal desire to do it.

But for sake of giving advice, I'm going to assume that deep down you want to GET IT IN. So here's my advice for an anal-newbie.

1. RELAX. Seriously! Breathe. Don't tense up. And it might even help if you have a more traditional form of sex beforehand so your body is already in Go-Mode.
2. Lube. Water-based if you are using condoms and maybe something oil-based (because of the lasting factor) if you guys are condom-less. Remember to be safe. Tests done, etc.
3. Speed. Go slow until your comfortable and make sure you pass this morsel of advice on to your seemingly eager boyfriend. 
4. Call the shots. Come to the agreement that if you begin to feel overwhelmed you can stop the act. This veto power might make you feel in control enough to get through any inhibitions.
5. Cleanliness. A little gross I know, but try to have some type of movement before you partake in the act. If you're still feeling self-conscious, buy an enema and call it a day.

Other than that, it's up to you, SOA. You are the only person who knows your body and what you are comfortable with. Hopefully this helps! 

Now. Go. Perform an act that will make your father wake up in a cold sweat with a desire to buy a gun.

XOXO,

 Allie

P.S. If after reading this you think, "Hmm... is that a ingrown hair or herpes?" Write me at notreallyabarista@gmail.com or on Twitter @AllieOopsie. You will remain anonymous!