Tuesday, August 23, 2011

I Love Super-Straight Marcus Bachmann

Marcus Bachmann is a straight man.

I would be willing to bet that he goes home every night and makes love to his crazy-eyed wife, presidential-hopeful Michele Bachmann.

Sure he cries afterward, but it has nothing to do with the fact that vaginas repulse him or that he misses his college roommate, Claudio.

After totally-hot sex with his wife, Mr. Bachmann heads to dreamland. And you know what he dreams about?

Yep, you guessed it, Jesus. No, not his sweaty, 6'5, Hispanic pool boy-- Jesus, the son of God.

After a restful eight hours, where he doesn't have even one dream about performing in a Village-People cover band, he gets up and goes to work at his Christian-counseling clinic.

Now let me make this clear, this clinic is absolutely not a gay-to-straight camp. Mr. Bachmann knows that people can't pray away the gay, they have to shove it in the nearest closet behind a pair of size-12 stilettos and some back copies of the magazine, Uncut.

After a long day's work, Mr. Bachmann goes home and hops in the shower, eager to wash all his problems away. While he's in there, he does what every normal person does, he sings. But he is definitely not singing Abba's "Dancing Queen."

After a shower and some dinner, Mr. Bachmann finds himself back in the embrace of his loving wife, Michele. He looks at her with passion in his eyes and asks if she would mind watching Spartacus while they consummate they're totally real marriage.

Post-coitus, Mr. Bachmann pulls a Marlboro Ultra-Light from a bejeweled cigarette case. He puffs it slowly, drawing the smoke into his throat like Claudio taught him all those years ago. Some may call this display almost homoerotic, but they would be wrong.

Because Marcus Bachmann is a super-straight man.

14 comments:

Shane Pilgrim said...

Haha, I love this! I haven't seen such levels of convincing sarcasm since I last watched The Colbert Report.

~SP

Timothy Bowen said...

He's a pretty cool guy. Eh basically abuses kids and doesn't afraid of anything.

Allie said...

Shane- Thanks! That's an amazing compliment. I might be a little bit in love with you now. Hope that's not a big deal.

Timothy- Yeah, me and Mr. Bachmann would be fast friends!

Sweeney said...

Just excellent.

Vera said...

Claudio sounds like a real gem. I'm sure Mr. Bachmann appreciates(d) him.

Elle said...

I laughed so hard I turned myself into a super-straight man!

Allie said...

Sweeney- Thanks!

Vera-I think we all need a Claudio in our life.

Elle- Oh lord, I can't help but think someone is going to be mad at me for this gender-changing laughter!

Thanks!

Shane Pilgrim said...

@Allie - Not a big deal at all :P

^Also, Elle's comment wins 1,000 Internets.

BlackLOG said...

Being English Marcus Bachmann means nothing to me but reading between your ever so subtle lines I gather he is so straight that that he has started bending the other way and is so secure in his man hood that he is prepared to take it up the jacksy just to prove it….

P.S. Hispanic Jesus saves but only the tips he gets from his pool business….

Allie said...

BlackLOG- Subtlety has never been my strong suit.

Also, I've heard fantastic things about Hispanic Jesus.

Cafe.Coffee.Latte said...

Holy Moly! You "nailed" it!
Ha

Allie said...

Now if we could only get him to see the truth!

Dr. Cynicism said...

"bejeweled cigarette case" Yes. Just yes. Glad I found your blog!

Allie said...

I always love when happiness is the emotion someone feels when they find my blog. You know, instead of disgust or shame. Thanks, Doctor.