Thursday, August 11, 2011

Help! My Boyfriend is Trying to Give Me Carpal Tunnel

Dear Advice Barista,
I need your advice on a matter that is close to my heart...or rather, close to my hand. I have been with my bf for almost a year now, and all he wants are hand jobs. No bjs, no sex, no lap dances, just hand jobs. I want to tell him how fucking boring hand jobs are, but that's probably a bad idea. I just don't see the point in handjobs. Blow jobs, I understand. So simple! No need to worry about lubrication (nature provides!), awkward mid-sex-act nervous talking (my mouth is full!), or cleaning up the aftermath (my mouth is VERY full). Lastly, the internet is FULL of people willing to tell you how to give a proper blowie. For a hand job, the main advice is to "...uh...well, you just do it...", and my problem is that I...uh...just...don't. I have no problem with taking it in the mouth, but I get shy about my abilities to give a proper hand job because I just don't understand them, to the point where I have never actually given one because I've never had to before. So I'm too shy to jerk him off and he's too shy (or something) to let me blow him, and I fear we are at an impasse.

So...um...help?

-Handy Virgin

Today marks the second week of my "Thursday SexyTime Advice Corner," (hey, I'm working on the name) and I just want to thank everyone who has written in, eager to hear my unqualified advice.


Wait, do you hear that? Yep, that's the sound of my father crying, because his baby is about to talk at length about hand jobs. Now on to the advice...

Handy, I feel your pain. Not a lot of attention is paid to the art of the HJ. I think many of us ladies assume after that awkward bus ride home from the planetarium in middle school, the hand job would be behind us. We immediately moved on to the Cosmo quiz, “How Far Can You Shove This Cucumber Down Your Throat?” and began to work on our gag reflexes. (BTW, Fuck you Cosmo. I'm down a tonsil because of that shit) We do this because we're told no guy would want a hand job, when he could have a blow job. 

But that's not necessarily true. People like different types of stimulation. And your bf might be into a type of grip that your mouth just can't give. So maybe you should try to give the hand job another shot.

Now, you mentioned earlier that there is not a lot of learning resources regarding the HJ, but you really don't need one, because Handy love, you have the owner's manual. Meaning you will learn more from him, than any article I suggest to you. 

Start a dialogue, ask him how he likes it, watch him perform a solo, and then experiment. Remember you don't have to be an expert, you just have to be open. Communication is possibly the best sexual aide you can give yourself, besides the liberator (that little ramp thingy is the shit!)

Finally, this kid seems to be turning down a lot of sex acts, so I can't help but wonder, are you satisfied? If the answer is no, you might want to think about why you are trying so hard to please someone who is not returning the favor.

Good luck, Handy. Let us know how it goes.

I have to go and console my dad now.

XOXO Allie

P.S. If after reading this, you think you're fucked up enough to appear in this blog, write me at notreallyabarista@gmail.com or on Twitter @AllieOopsie. You will remain anonymous!

11 comments:

Liz Taylor Training said...

hand jobs - SUCK.

Allie said...

Lmao. I can't say they are my favorite thing either.

BlackLOG said...

I have a suggestion for your Thursday Column (No not that one...tsk,tsk)

The Thursday Sexpert

As for HJs, you can tell Handy Virgin that she should sit on her hand until it goes to sleep, that way it won’t feel like she is actually doing her douche bag of a bf…

And no it doesn’t work for us men either, just makes more mess when we can’t stem the flow….

Allie said...

Hmm... to be a sexpert would I have to have some sort of qualifications? If not, I'm totally in.

And I'm not exactly sure what you mean by "stem the slow," but I've got a good guess. Oh well, it seems like HJs are a very unpopular job.

-E- said...

hey, can't a guy ask for a hand job without getting called a douche and having his girlfriend break up with him?! some of us have very specific preferences.

Allie said...

I agree, E. Some guys need to have their junk slapped around a bit, and that gets no judgement from me!

BlackLOG said...

Allie said...
Hmm... to be a sexpert would I have to have some sort of qualifications? If not, I'm totally in.
Knowing your arse from your elbow might help, otherwise there might be a few sudden deaths as a result of misguided sexual instructions

And I'm not exactly sure what you mean by "stem the slow," but I've got a good guess. Oh well, it seems like HJs are a very unpopular job.
You just know it’s going to end in a sticky mess

Poof said...

What guy DOESN'T like a good ol' fashioned blowie every once in a while...or every day?
Poor girl. my heart goes out to her.

Timothy Bowen said...

as a guy, I must say, I'm never interested in getting a hand job. That's something I can do myself, and better than anyone else...lol

Lemons Don't Make Lemonade said...

I stumbled across your blog and I must say you give fantastic advice.

Allie said...

BlackLog- If I'm going to kill anyone accidentally, I think I would want it to be because of misguided sexual advice.

Poof- That was always the assumption I was under, but I know a few oddballls.

Timothy- Maybe we can give Handy your number. Matchmaker!

Lemons- Thank you! but any good advice is purely accidental.