Sunday, August 28, 2011

Dear Customers, Stop Being So Fucking Crazy

Originally, this blog was born out of a deep-rooted hatred for working in customer service. It has since morphed into an assortment of unimportant, mildly-entertaining posts, that will ensure that I never obtain a real job. However, sometimes I feel the need to kick it old school, primarily when I encounter a douchenozzle customer who makes me want to lace their latte with pubic hair. Recently, I met a crazy woman who made me want to do just that. Enjoy.

The dance of the barista and the emotionally-unstable customer:

Bitch: I want a sugar-free caramel macchiato.

Barista: Okay, is there anything else I can get for you?

Bitch: (audibly louder) Will you give me one damn second?

Barista: Oh, okay, take all the time you need.

Bitch: I want a piece of coffee cake.

Barista: Alright, is there anything else I can get for you?

Bitch: (yells) No! Are you trying to make me fat?

Barista: (laughs)

Bitch: (silence)

Barista: Okay. We'll get that drink started for you.

A second barista begins making the drink. The customer walks the 10-feet to the handoff counter.

Bitch: It's not done yet? God!

Barista: I'm almost done. It will just be a few more seconds.

Bitch: (yells) What are you doing? I said make it cold!

Barista: Sorry, I didn't hear that. (under breath) Because you didn't say it, you psychotic bitch. But I'll remake it.

Bitch: Oh. Yes. You. Will.

At this point most of the employees are watching, baffled, at this woman's unprovoked anger. The barista hands off the drink. The woman rolls her eyes, walks out, and heads back to her home at the mental institute.

Now, I'm not saying this woman is crazy. Yes, I am. I'm just saying that I would put money on the fact that she hasn't touched another person in years, and her only socialization is with her cats, all of which are named after Golden Girls' characters. I'm sure she also mentioned this fact on her Match.com profile.

Oh, cat Blanche, you're such a slut,
just like real Blanche.
One would think when your only companionship is your sassily-named felines and the camera crew from Hoarders, you would take human interaction where you could get it.

But what would I know, I just make coffee for living.

9 comments:

Bonnie said...

I work in retail as well and deal with fuck heads like this on a daily basis.....

I enjoy smiling at them when they yell at me and being extra super sweet...it pisses them off so much more it makes my day!!!

I just want to kick that Golden Girl right in the c*nt one of these days.....

Allie said...

Bonnie- I'm glad I have a customer service sista!

And I usually love killing people with kindness, but some days I wasn't to kill them with a pick axe.

A Beer for the Shower said...

Shit like this always happens when I'm also a customer in whatever establishment it may be...and I ALWAYS take the opportunity to publicly belittle the shit out of these pricks. My fiancee hates it, and it will probably someday cost me an eyeball to a French manicure, but Jesus does it make me feel better.

Allie said...

Beer- I want to encourage you to continue this behavior. Even if it costs you an eye, I promise the person on the other side of that asshole thinks your incredible.

Lorraine said...

I worked for three years at a call center. I imagine having to deal with customers face to face is even harder.

My thing was always, "okay. Get angry if you life insurance or health insurance messes up. Fine. BUT THIS IS COFFEE. STAND DOWN." In my case, it was watches. There really is no need to lose your ish over it.

Man. I don't like people a lot sometimes.

Lor

Allie said...

I completely agree, Lor. This is a luxury, not life or death, so chill the fuck out.

And nothing makes you dislike people more than having to do a service for them.

Liz Taylor Training said...

hHHhHhhHhahahahahahhahaahahahahahahah I LOVE YOU

WJ said...

I used to work at a hardware store as a cashier. Luckily I didn't have to many crazies, but one guy started screaming and throwing things so I calmly looked down at my watch, flipped off my light, and went to "lunch."

Allie said...

Liz- AWWW! Love you!

WJ- I wish I had a light to flip off, usually, I just get to the point of tears and decide to walk away. Bastards.