Thursday, August 4, 2011

How Can I Get My Boyfriend to Punch Me in the Face?

Dear Allie,
I have a problem. I have been with my current boyfriend for a little over two years and everything has been great. We get along, he is sweet, and treats me good... Only thing is the sex is getting boring! He won't try anything new. He likes to "make love" slow and sexy, which is wonderful on valentines day! I want it rough and unpredictable. I want role play or foreplay, I'll take any kind of play at this point! He always says, "I love you" while we are having sex, I tell him not to say that. I want to be bossed around and yelled at, but he is uncomfortable doing this because he thinks of it as disrespecting me. He is a great guy and I love him but I can't have boring, predictable sex for the rest of my life! Please help me! How do I get him to toughen up in the bedroom?
Thanks,
**Desperate to be bitten**

First and foremost, Bitten, I want to thank you for believing enough in my gift of giving unqualified advice, that you would consent to letting me exploit you for the entertainment of the world... or my 20-ish followers. Good looking out. Now, on to the advice...


Bitten, it seems that you and your boyfriend have different sex styles. He's all, Boyz II Men circa “I'll Make Love to You,” and your like, Chris Brown circa beating the fuck out of Rihanna for adding too many syllables to the word umbrella.

Now, while there is something wrong with Mr. Brown punching a Barbadian songstress, there is nothing wrong with your desire for a little no-pants roughhousing. In my unprofessional opinion, you're probably looking for a little light BDSM.

Now, Bitten, have you tried talking your fella about your desire for unconventional sex. I mean, clothes-on talking, where you explain to him that not getting this type of sex is leaving you feeling unfulfilled. That while you love him, you two are not meshing sexually.

After this calm, level-headed, fully-clothed talk, you guys should try and come to some sort of compromise. He can throw you around and give you some bruises, that you will have to lie to your parents about, and then you throw down some rose petals, light some candles (that you will not burn him with, Bitten!) and make da luv.

In a perfect world, this compromise will open a new door for both of you. But if after a talk and some effort, he's still not coming around, it may be time for you to ask yourself how much this type of sex means to you. I'm assuming a lot since you wrote in to a stranger on the internet. Maybe you and this making-lovesick fella aren't sexually compatible.

But before you make any rash decisions, I suggest the talk and possibly buying an intro book, such as this one.

Good luck, Bitten. I hope it all works out, but if it doesn't, I hear Mr. Brown is single and ready to throw chairs at bitches.


XOXO Allie


P.S.If after reading this, you think you're fucked up enough to appear in this blog, write me at notreallyabarista@gmail.com or on Twitter @AllieOopsie. You will remain anonymous!

11 comments:

Carrymel said...

your blog never fails to bring a judgmental smile to my face after I read your advice columns lol. And so, I've given you an award!

http://carrymel.blogspot.com/2011/08/much-thanks-and-love.html

Allie said...

Nhya! Thank you so much! Now I just have to figure out what to do with it! lol But seriously, that's so sweet!

A Beer for the Shower said...

The Boyz II Men/Chris Brown line fucking killed me. Funniest blog line I've read all week. Cheers!

Allie said...

Thanks! I've always felt that Boyz II Men is not brought up enough in regards to relationship talk.

Liz Taylor Training said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. OMG this was epic. But can I need to do my two cents...

ok, I feel like I can be real with you, so here goes: My boyfriend & I have a freaking insane sex life. It's usually 2-3 a days, different times, different rooms, different toys, different props - it so fun and exciting and never gets boring. Another thing we like to do, which I love is talk about different situations during intercourse. Been there done that with the boring sex life. Hope this wasn't disgusting :/

Allie said...

Get it, girl!!!! And nope, not disgusting! I like being the person people can talk about sex to. I'm pretty sure it's my life's purpose lol.

The Diatribest said...

BWHAHAHAHA Loved the line about too many syllables in the song. OMFG I can't STAND that song!

Fred Miller said...

Maybe she could break him in by playing AC/DC or Whitesnake or Bad Company so fucking loud the CD skips. I'm a gentle Kenny Rogers type lover, but Whitesnake bring out da white trash in me!

Fred Miller said...

Oh, Def Leppard.

"Pour Some Sugar On Me!"

Allie said...

Fred, if you keep bringing amazing ideas like that, we're going to have to partner up in giving unqualified sex advice!

Anonymous said...

Personally I think you have another Fifty Shades Addict here.... It's not real life crazy pants!