Thursday, August 25, 2011

Help! My Girlfriend Has a Gag Reflex

Dear Barista,
I seem to have a problem and hopefully you can help me. My girlfriend of 7 months refuses to go down on me. I go down on her all the time, but the favor is never returned. She says she is scared to do it and thinks that she might throw up on me. I told her just to try it and I said nothing would happen. She still refuses and I'm really starting to get frustrated by not getting oral. I don't know what to do. Is it being an asshole to push the subject? Please help me.

Downtown Deprived

The other day a friend asked me how I knew so much about disturbing sex acts and malfunctioning relationships, since I seem to be in a fully-functioning long-term relationship. First, I told her to mind her own damn business, but afterwards I thought about it. I think I know so much about this topic, because deep down, I am a sexual delinquent. Yep, you heard it here first. I haven't figured out exactly what sick thing turns my crank yet, but I have no doubt that I will be perusing Craigslist looking for some misguided stranger to throw tomatoes at me soon. I'm looking forward to this time in my life, but until then I have you guys. Thanks for making dreams come true. Now on to the advice...

Deprived, as a "lady" who has vomited on a man when a fellatio session went awry, I can't help but sympathize with your girlfriend. I mean there really is no greater shame than baby-wiping a half-digested Lean Pocket off of a potential life mate. I mean, other than being a Bachmann supporter.

However, this fear is no reason to give up on the most powerful bargaining tool known to women: the blowie.

Maybe you should explain to her the crippling power of the blow job. Does she know about Clinton? What about half the members of Congress? This type of power can be quite the aphrodisiac. 

If after you tell the story of a little boy from Arkansas she's still not interested, maybe you could show her some Mandingo porn (Just Google image him). I mean, if women can take that monster down and not vomit like Rachel Zoe after a trip to Pinkberry, than surely she can give yours the ol' college try (Considering you are not a tripod yourself, Deprived).

If after all this motivation, your girlfriend still has no interest in "returning the favor" then I suggest you think about how important this particular sex act is to you. And as I've said in previous posts, I'm assuming it's pretty important since you decided to write a stranger on the internet.

Good luck, Deprived, and if you find yourself single after my string of horrible advice, well then I have a reader who is sick of giving hand jobs. Maybe we can make something happen. 


P.S. If after reading this, you think you're fucked up enough to appear in this blog, write me at or on Twitter @AllieOopsie. You will remain anonymous!


Charles said...

So you puked on a dudes wang?

I have, on occasion, made a girl get it so hard with my tongue that she squirted a little pee in my mouth. No, it was not female come. Yes, I have seen and know the difference.

This dude needs to understand that that girl doesn't want to give a blowjob because she feels awkward about it. It's important to be flirtatious and encouraging sexually to get a girl to try new things...

If she won't give head in a couple of weeks though... he should leave her. And never contact her again.


Allie said...

It happens. Not exactly a proud moment, but then again neither is most of my life.

I'm glad to know that you've had some urine in your mouth though. It feels like we've just created an awkward-sexual-moment family.

Thanks for the read and follow!!

Anonymous said...

Oh my god I'm laughing my ass off reading the advice and comments ... what's wrong with this chick fine u don't want to suck it at least lick it a little it won't bite