Ke$ha Tries to Talk Me Into an Early Death.

I accidentally heard Ke$ha's new song on the radio.

It happened innocently enough. I was driving down the road listening to Ryan Seacrest talk about body glitter and the Kardashians when something horrible echoed from my speakers.

If skanks had a mating call, this is what it would sound like--meaning it could only be one person.

Ahh, Ke$ha. I immediately swerved my car into oncoming traffic, because who really wants to live in a world where Ke$ha is considered a worthwhile talent. That's when I heard it ...

We're Gonna Die Young. 

I straightened out my wheel because I'll be damned if Ke$ha tells me what to do. But it did get me thinking--is this what our kids  your kids  people are listening to? I mean, this bitch reminds me of shaved-head Britney, without all the sex appeal. Plus, she's riding on YOLO's coattails by encouraging 16 year olds to live like they're gonna die young.

And you know what that means ... Teen Mom: Season 35 sponsored by Valtrex.

See what you did, Ke$ha?! Life Ruiner!

Help! Female Anatomy is Super Confusing

Dear Allie, 

I hate to use your advice column for such an obscure question but it is something that has perplexed me for a long time. I see a lot of women walking around who have the ability to wear their pants so low that it leaves you wondering, "where is her vagina?!?”

I came across this photo on Facebook (not mine so it might want to be cropped if actually used on your site) and I was equally impressed and intrigued at her anatomy... please take a look for yourself!

As you can see, the bellybutton is in place and then there is about a foot or so of body before her pants start. So I ask you, where is her vagina?

Thanks, 

Vexed by Vag

Thanks for the question Vexed, I want to let you know there is no question too obscure for this advice wizard... lady wizard? witch? Whatever. They're all welcome. Unless you want to talk about some "2 Girls and a Cup" type stuff, because, well, that's just gross. 

Anyways, after throughly observing this photo, I have come to a conclusion. 

This woman is obviously vagina-less. Yep, you heard me right ... vagina-less. I'm going to assume that she wasn't born without a vagina, but rather had her vagina removed in an act of cosmetic surgery. (Why else would they be pointing at it?)

Now I know what you're thinking, "Why in the heck would anyone get their gosh darn hoo-ha removed?" To which I'll reply, "Good question!" and after that positive feedback I'll explain why I believe this woman chose to have her vagina removed.

You see, Vexed, women are constantly fucking around with their lady bits. They wax it, bejewel it, surgically alter it, get "open for business" tattooed on it after a messy breakup (just me???) and now they are getting the pesky thing removed. Young women are constantly striving for perfection and the vagina will not be ignored. We have been mutilating the shit out of our vag for years in hopes to make it more beautiful. And who is the archetype of beauty and femininity? 

Barbie. 

And what doesn't Barbie have?

A vagina. 

Case closed. 

XOXO Allie

P.S. If after reading this, you think you're fucked up enough to appear in this blog, write me at notreallyabarista@gmail.com or on Twitter @AllieOopsie. You will remain anonymous!

I Love Super-Straight Marcus Bachmann

Marcus Bachmann is a straight man.

I would be willing to bet that he goes home every night and makes love to his crazy-eyed wife, presidential-hopeful Michele Bachmann.

Sure he cries afterward, but it has nothing to do with the fact that vaginas repulse him or that he misses his college roommate, Claudio.

After totally-hot sex with his wife, Mr. Bachmann heads to dreamland. And you know what he dreams about?

Yep, you guessed it, Jesus. No, not his sweaty, 6'5, Hispanic pool boy-- Jesus, the son of God.

After a restful eight hours, where he doesn't have even one dream about performing in a Village-People cover band, he gets up and goes to work at his Christian-counseling clinic.

Now let me make this clear, this clinic is absolutely not a gay-to-straight camp. Mr. Bachmann knows that people can't pray away the gay, they have to shove it in the nearest closet behind a pair of size-12 stilettos and some back copies of the magazine, Uncut.

After a long day's work, Mr. Bachmann goes home and hops in the shower, eager to wash all his problems away. While he's in there, he does what every normal person does, he sings. But he is definitely not singing Abba's "Dancing Queen."

After a shower and some dinner, Mr. Bachmann finds himself back in the embrace of his loving wife, Michele. He looks at her with passion in his eyes and asks if she would mind watching Spartacus while they consummate they're totally real marriage.

Post-coitus, Mr. Bachmann pulls a Marlboro Ultra-Light from a bejeweled cigarette case. He puffs it slowly, drawing the smoke into his throat like Claudio taught him all those years ago. Some may call this display almost homoerotic, but they would be wrong.

Because Marcus Bachmann is a super-straight man.

I love Craigslist and Adult-Baby Fetishists

I think Tuesday is becoming a tribute to weird shit I love and want to share with you guys. Last week, I talked about how much I love religious nutjobs. This week while perusing the miscellaneous romance section on Craigslist, (looking for a little work now that I'm a graduate) I came across a catch. The Adult-Baby Fetishist.

Click on me. I'm awesome.

Now for those not familiar with the adult-baby fetish, first, I question what you are doing on this blog, and second, I think you should watch this video.

All caught up and feeling pretty good about your life decisions now, right? 

So basically I kind of want to respond to this ad. I mean, I love naps and would be in no way opposed to hanging out in my pajamas and coloring all day. 

But then I remember that this 55-year-old Craigslist dreamboat was pretty specific about one thing while looking for his grown-up "baby."

Please be 18-30.

And while I fit into that age bracket, I refuse to be crib-candy for some ageist creep. No matter how many naps David Vitter offers me. 

I Love Religious Nutjobs

Warren Jeffs, the polygamist leader of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, was sentenced to life in prison today. Jeffs had like 100 child-brides and gave them specific instructions on what to do with his wrinkly, old-man junk. If I had to blow him, I would have killed myself, so life in prison is pretty lax.

Like many of my posts, this has no real relevance, except for the fact that I love religious nutjobs, and want Mr. Jeffs to do an "And I'm a Mormon" commercial so bad I think my brain might bleed. Anyone up for a parody?!?

P.S. I know Mr. Jeffs does not represent all Mormons, and is a Fundy, but we've all heard Mitt Romney speak. Come on, even the sane ones are a little crazy.

I Love Mugshots and Lesbians

Samantha Ronson, the kinda pissed-off "DJ" who turned Lindsay Lohan out, got arrested for a DUI. There is absolutely no point to this post, except I love adorable little lesbians and ridiculous mugshots, so here you go. You can thank me later.

Fuck you, pig! I banged a Lohan.

P.S. Still trying to get my own ridiculous mugshot, so comment on this post.