Thursday, September 1, 2011

I'll Take my Party Minus the Passion

She's not winking. She has
cinnamon lube in her eye.
I'm taking this Thursday off from giving unqualified relationship/sex advice to write about a trend I've noticed lately. Does anyone know what a Passion Party is?

For those who have been spared from this shit and have no clue what I'm talking about, I'll give you the CliffNotes version. It's like Tupperware parties, except with fake dicks, instead of burpable plastic containers. Yep, it is as horrible as it sounds.

However, these Passion Party people are not in the business to make this completely skeevy activity seem skeevy... No, they want it to sound fun and sexy. They make it appear like some Sex-and-the-City-esque adventure that will involve drinking cosmos and trying on nipple clamps. But in all actuality, it involves drinking Arbor Mist out of Nascar tumblers in someone's doublewide trailer, while some pushy bitch on commission tries to make you by a 12" double-ended dildo in front of your sister-in-law. And no one needs a 12" double-ended dildo. It's just wasteful.

Now I'm going to say something that may make me sound slightly judgmental, (because before this, I seemed like the beacon acceptance) but I've never actually attended a Passion Party. So in all fairness, my views are based on second-hand accounts, but I don't think I need to go sit in a room with a bunch of  my co-workers, while I peruse clitoral stimulation cream, to know that it would be a no-likey situation.

She couldn't cross her legs tighter.
My best friend who is possibly the most sexually-open person I've ever met (An example you ask... she recently divulged to me that she has given and received a golden shower, believe me now?) explained that she felt that her vagina was compromised during these parties. Like at any moment, one of these frustrated soccer moms was going to furry handcuff her to a bed and shove a zebra-print ballgag in her mouth.

So why am I writing this? Well, I'm sick of being asked to these fucking parties. Just because I talk about blowies on the internet, does not mean that I want to watch anyone try on a One Size Fits All thong. I will not go. I'm wise to you, passion party ladies. I don't want to buy a vibrating rubber ducky from you in someonse's living room. Nor, do I want to fake an orgasm When-Harry-Met-Sally-style, while someone whose name I don't remember takes an iPhone video. No Thanks.

Call me a prude, but I like to keep my passion where it belongs... hidden in my nightstand drawer.


Tara said...

It's funny...I was just invited to a Passion Party a few days ago. I'm going because my good friend invited me and I'm honestly a little curious. I'm hoping it won't be too awkward...Maybe it will be hilarious, considering it's happening in a college dorm room. It's bound to be interesting, at least...

Allie said...

Tara- Go and report back!!!

Yuleegirl16 said...

I LOVE you Allie and come on now you know you would come to one if I was to throw it LMAO I get asked to go to them all the time too never been to one though and I love how you put how Nicky though she was gonna be hand cuffed and raped basically LMAO LOVE IT my dear dear friend. I look forward to your blogs when the pop up in my email

Nicky said...

It's okay with me if yOu pee on me a little ... Just don't ask me to go to your passion party so I don't have to watch grandma deep throat a cock and balls!

Lemons Don't Make Lemonade said...

Hilarious post. I like how you coan associate fake dicks with Tuperware parties.

Allie said...

April- I love you too. And maybe if you had one I'd go... But you have to promise to furry handcuff Nicky to something lol

Nicky- I'm going to assume that was something you saw. And, well, I was trying to keep you anonymous, but since that didn't work. Everyone: Meet Nicky she's a sexual deviant.

Lemons- Thanks! I think Tupperware and fake dicks might be more similar than we think. I'm going to look into it.

Heather Rose said...

I went to one. With my stepmom. And a pregnant chick. Oh, I win.

They made us play this game where they called out an act/action (giving a blow job! sex on the beach! three way with anal!) and if you've done it, you move one seat to the right. If you havent, you stay still and the pregnant chick ends up in your lap. Do you even know who the daddy is??

There are so. SO. so many things I wish I didnt know about my Stepmom's sex life ...

Also? The tingly nipple crap burned on my lips - I'm not putting that shit anywhere else, are you nuts?!

Allie said...

Lol Oh Heather, you do win! You very brave soul.

Liz Taylor Training said...

bahahahahahahahhaha god I love you. Honestly. Just marry me. Seriously. This is hilarious! I am like your best friend - super sexually open (but a golden shower would be a limit)and I will say I have been to one and it was a lot of fun, but my friends are wealthy and hot so it wasn't so double-wide-boxed-wine-Nascaresque ;)

The Randomist said...

I went to one of these hosted by a former co-worker. When I refused to "pin the dick on the fireman", I was forced to wear a cock ring on my finger for the rest of the night. That shit is just uncomfortable. If it hurt my little sausage fingers, I can't even imagine what it must feel like anywhere else.

I should also mention that my sister was there. Not my sister-in-law, but my honest to God we totally came out of the same vagina sister.

There were creams involved. And Q-tips.

So, there I sat, surrounded by vibrating hummingbirds, with a cock ring on my ring finger, as my sister pushed the girl in the sex swing out of the door frame so she could shove a Q-Tip with tingle gel up her snatch.

You can't make this shit up.

I blame my asexuality on this.