Saturday, September 10, 2011

Hooker with a Heart of Play-Doh

Ever seen Toddlers and Tiaras? Heard about it? No. Well, good for you. You obviously do productive things with your life. I bet you read and think reality tv is beneath you. Move along now. This blog is not for you.

Okay now that the pretentious douchenozzle is gone, we can get real! Did you hear about the the little girl on Toddlers and Tiaras whose mom dressed her up like Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman?"


How adorable is that shit? I just want to shove dollar bills in her thigh-high pleather boots, but then ultimately rescue her from a life of slinging punani on Hollywood Boulevard. I want to take her to a polo match, watch as she retardly tries to eat snails, I want to take her to the opera and walk barefoot in the grass with her. 

But then I want to let her go, because it would never work. I mean, I'm a mediocre barista/blogger and she's a wily toddler of the night. But it would be a mistake. Big mistake, huge!

You see, I could never let her go. She broke my guard down. Made me love her. So, I'll go to her slum-motel with a dozen rosens, and I'll rescue her from that life, and you know what, she'll rescue me right back.


I'm going to go compose myself now. While I'm gone, watch this video.



Goddammit, someone give this little whore the crown.

18 comments:

Remy said...

....what....the....fuck.

I've seen T&T ONCE...and uhm...this reaffirms why I don't watch it...

Allie said...

Yeah, I don't think anyone should actually watch it. It's a bad decision, right up there with dressing your child up like a hooker.

Maxwell said...

What's black and blue and doesn't like sex? The nine year old in my trunk.

When I pulled a muscle laughing at that joke, I figured I would definitely be going to hell.

BlackLOG said...

On the basis that I would probably have to put myself on a sex offenders list just for watching the video I’ve decided to skip it….

Damn you to hell woman you got me with the “pretentious douchenozzle” comment so I ended up watching the clip after all (Don’t worry I’m heading straight down to the local police station to register as soon as I finish here)…. now if only she had been dressed up as Barberalla or Princess Leia it would have been socially acceptable….That said her acting wipes the floor with Julia Roberts….

Nicky said...

I don't know about you guys but if your gonna pretend to be a hooker do it right that 3 yr old needed to show a lot more leg ... Total let down and come on would it of killed her to do a little hip thrust? Just sayin!

Cary said...

Yikes. Just...yikes.

Remy's comment pretty much sums up my thoughts completely.

Allie said...

Maxwell- Looks like that makes two of us.

BlackLOG- I'm glad you weren't my pretentious douchenozzle, I expect more from you.

Enjoy not having trick-or-treaters now!

Nicky- Well, I love you, and no, a hip thrust wouldn't have killed her.

Cary- Yeah, in all seriousness, yikes is a great way to sum it up!

Jas said...

I mean, someone will give her a crown, alright. I don't think it's the one her mother quite envisioned.

Allie said...

That was incredible, Jas!!!

BlackLOG said...

Allie

I hope you don't mind I stole well borrowed permanently(it sounds a bit better) your sex problem idea for my latest post – but since it involves animals and pictures I figured it was a niche that even you might not be prepared to venture into and so figured that you would forgive me…...eventually…

Now I’m on the sex register (thanks to you) I might as well get as depraved as humanly impossible….

BlackLOG said...

Doh! I just realise what you meant by the coment "Enjoy not having trick-or-treaters now!" I should have signed up years ago....

~RoB said...

T&T is bad enough.
The domestic partner can't stop watching Dance Moms. A weekend where both are on the TV is one where George Washington rolls in his grave. Or somebody else that matters to America that didn't have slaves...

Allie said...

BlackLOG- Your more than welcome to venture into my arena!

Rob- Lmfao, you are amazing.

Fresh Garden said...

Wonderful! Fantastic!

Gabs said...

HAHAHAHAHA, "GOD DAMNIT SOMEONE GIVE THIS GIRL A CROWN."

Also Allie, I think you'll appreciate this. If you haven't seen it already, be prepared for yo bladder to burst.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cq-tzKELY0U

Allie said...

Fresh- Thanks!

Gabs- Lmao,, looks like someone is on the Anna Nicole plan!

Shane Pilgrim said...

The comments on this entry are great. We're all going to hell, but that's okay - we'll save each other seats. On the bright side we'll still be able to pull rank on the mothers who think dressing your kid up like a Thai prostitute is a great idea - just as child molesters are the lowest rank on the totem pole in jail, I like to think that these parents are sent to a special level of hell where everybody else gets to poke them in the eyes with sticks for all of eternity.

~SP

Allie said...

Shane- I love my commenters so much, and can't wait until we are all in hell together violently teasing the hair of all those pageant moms.