Sunday, September 25, 2011

Dear Customers, Stop Being So Fucking Paranoid

I've been trying to avoid blogging about my job, because I'm pretty sure no one actually cares that making drinks for inbred hicks who couldn't spell macchiato if you put a gun to their head, makes me want to gauge my eyes out every single day. But some things just need to be addressed.


Dear Paranoid Customer, 


Why are you so weird about giving me your name for your cup? Seriously? I am asking for your first name, not your Social Security Number for christ's sake. Hell, you don't even have to give me your real name. You can make some shit up. I have literally written the name Glitter Dick on a cup, and it was incredible.


I understand that you feel some right to privacy. And that you are already on edge, because you are spending an exorbitant amount of money on something you feel you could do yourself, but please understand where I am coming from. All of the cups are placed in the same area and look identical for the most part, so when a cup is sat down without some identifiable feature it makes it easy for that cup to get taken by someone else. You know what that means? IT MEANS I HAVE TO REMAKE THAT FUCKING DRINK! And doing that 150 times a day makes me want to lace people's drinks with pubic hair.


Listen, I have no problem with you being paranoid. I get it. I think everyone is out to kill me. My level of paranoia is usually reserved for people who watch "The X-Files" and believe the Obama presidency is a Muslim conspiracy, but even I will give someone my name. BECAUSE IT IS JUST A FUCKING NAME! 


Now repeat after me, the next time I go into a store that provides handcrafted, caffeinated beverages and a barista, who is in no way responsible for the price of my latte, asks for my name, I will give it to him/her. Because they put up with enough shit without me sucking my teeth and rolling my eyes at a simple request.


Okay? Thanks a bunch.


Love always,


Your Barista




Wow! I feel better. Thanks for letting me get that off my chest. Now enjoy this video by my new hero. He was fired after this video went viral. On an unrelated note, I just want to reiterate that I do not work for any specific coffee company. Nope. Just one of the millions. 

20 comments:

Tazer Warrior Princess said...

BAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA YESSSS!!!!

Allie said...

That is the laugh of someone who has worked in customer service!

Maxwell said...

I sincerely hope you've seen this, since this post made me think of it:

http://www.social-fail.com/lord-voldemort-at-starbucks/1676

Charles said...

hahaha. I love you.

I like to give the name "Pablo." If i had to choose a new name it would be pablo. for realz.

Liz Taylor said...

Like I tell you repeatedly. I love you.

Bonnie said...

I too work in customer service, and sometimes I wish I could change my name tag, like people don't want to put their names on the cups......

How about Hello my name is Cunty.....that has a nice ring to it don't you think???.....lol

Heather Rose said...

Please keep posting the awful customer stories. It makes me feel so much better about having to teach my boss how to set up new folders on the computer and use "edit" "undo" in Microsoft Word...

A Beer for the Shower said...

People actually care about that? The whole world can know my first name. It's Bryan. Who cares?

The question becomes, though, as a female barista, are there ever any ignorant men that come through, and think you're hitting on them because you asked their name?

jennie jackson said...

Glitter Dick? Really I bet that caused a laugh once he left with his laced drink...

Allie said...

Maxwell- That was amazing. I wish my customers were that cool.

Charles- Love you more, Pablo.

Liz- Oh Liz, the feeling is mutual!

Bonnie- I think Cunty has a hell of a ring to it, and I have to admit I'm pretty glad I don't have to wear a name tag.

Jennie- Yep, I loved ol' Glitter Dick!

Heather- If you like them, I will post them. I have new soul-deadening customer interactions every day.

Bryan- Thanks for proving that giving a name is not a big fucking deal.

And yes, unfortunately creepy dudes tend to take any interaction as an open invite under my apron, which I think is why the top search for this blog is "horny barista."

Thank_Q said...

LOL! Oh, this is great stuff! A woman after my own heart! Followed!

BlackLOG said...

And doing that 150 times a day makes me want to lace people's drinks with pubic hair.
What is not clear here is…do you charge for the pubic hair –

In which case how much does it cost?
Are they all yours – or are you passing of that inferior imported pubic hair?
If they are all yours, you are either like a rain forest down there….. or have been saving them up (i.e. not fresh – which is frankly disgusting)

Is it that unreasonable to want to know what I’m pulling out of my teeth after every visit

So my order is :-

A large single shot skinny latte, dry with fresh non-imported pubic hair…

The name is B
lackLOG and I’ll have that to go, thank you very much…

camerabanger said...

Whinyyy little bastard, NO? Well at least he put it to music. If he doesn't like dealing with the public and providing them with stoopid drinks that he can't stand making I suggest he try a different approach...a new job.

Allie said...

BlackLOG- Pubic hair is a non-chargeable modifier. And it's not all mine, I am a modern American lady after all, my pubic hair is long gone. However, I do let the ironically dirty hipster I work with contribute his.

Camerabanger- Haha, to each their own I guess. As much as I love some of my customers, some peope are super-douches and can make even the most grateful customer-service employee want to go home and write a whiny song... or a whiny blog.

camerabanger said...

Agreed.
Love the Blog...in fact I might just write a song!

Miss Lego said...

Heheheheh girl, you are sensational, really

Lorraine said...

I saw this video just yesterday and I just laughed and laughed and then felt bad that guy lost his job and then I laughed some more.

Allie said...

Miss Lego- Thanks!!!

Lorraine- I laughed so hard I thought I was going to crack a rib. Then I deleted anything off this blog that mentioned my job by name. And then I laughed some more!

Jason said...

That was great...so damn funny.

Allie said...

Jason- thanks!