Thursday, September 22, 2011

Help! Female Anatomy is Super Confusing

Dear Allie, 
I hate to use your advice column for such an obscure question but it is something that has perplexed me for a long time. I see a lot of women walking around who have the ability to wear their pants so low that it leaves you wondering, "where is her vagina?!?”
I came across this photo on Facebook (not mine so it might want to be cropped if actually used on your site) and I was equally impressed and intrigued at her anatomy... please take a look for yourself!
As you can see, the bellybutton is in place and then there is about a foot or so of body before her pants start. So I ask you, where is her vagina?

Thanks, 
Vexed by Vag


Thanks for the question Vexed, I want to let you know there is no question too obscure for this advice wizard... lady wizard? witch? Whatever. They're all welcome. Unless you want to talk about some "2 Girls and a Cup" type stuff, because, well, that's just gross. 

Anyways, after throughly observing this photo, I have come to a conclusion. 

This woman is obviously vagina-less. Yep, you heard me right ... vagina-less. I'm going to assume that she wasn't born without a vagina, but rather had her vagina removed in an act of cosmetic surgery. (Why else would they be pointing at it?)

Now I know what you're thinking, "Why in the heck would anyone get their gosh darn hoo-ha removed?" To which I'll reply, "Good question!" and after that positive feedback I'll explain why I believe this woman chose to have her vagina removed.

You see, Vexed, women are constantly fucking around with their lady bits. They wax it, bejewel it, surgically alter it, get "open for business" tattooed on it after a messy breakup (just me???) and now they are getting the pesky thing removed. Young women are constantly striving for perfection and the vagina will not be ignored. We have been mutilating the shit out of our vag for years in hopes to make it more beautiful. And who is the archetype of beauty and femininity? 

Barbie. 

And what doesn't Barbie have?

A vagina. 

Case closed. 


XOXO Allie


P.S. 
If after reading this, you think you're fucked up enough to appear in this blog, write me at notreallyabarista@gmail.com or on Twitter @AllieOopsie. You will remain anonymous!

11 comments:

Maxwell said...

Stop lying - vaginae are a myth, much like the clitoris or the g-spot. Only women's mouth holes and butt holes are useful for naked purposes.

And fucking hilarious, on a side note... ;)

Tazer Warrior Princess said...

I think that they are actually aliens disguising themselves as humans, and they forgot to take an anatomy class.

Allie said...

Maxwell- Ahhh the mythical clitoris. It's responsible for 95 percent of all suicides I hear.... and thanks!!!!

TWP- I think you might be right, because in all seriousness, that picture confuses the hell out of me.

Charles said...

I prefer a woman without a shave. That way everything is clearly marked.... This girl just over shaves... where's my landing strip? I don't know where i'm going?!?! I'm going to crash into something she doesn't want me crashing into....

unless....

maybe i wanna meet this girl after all on second thought...

Love

BlackLOG said...

It’s down to the recent phenomenon of young ladies future proofing their bodies for later in life plastic surgery…

This particular procedure is called a snatch drop and allows the young lady, when older, numerous amounts of face lifts before the snatch starts replacing the belly button.

Unfortunately what these Barbie wannabes fail to realise is that by the 4th lift their nipples will be halfway up their face…

Bonnie said...

that's actually a picture of a drag queen with his dick duct taped between his legs.....

Allie said...

Charles- So you're telling me this woman has a vagina, bu just shaves the shit out of it??? I just don't know ifI believe that. Oh, and you definitely want to meet her. Investigate my no vagina theory!

BlackLOG- I laughed for a good 2 minutes after reading this. Snatch drop. Fantastic!

Bonnie- Hmm... maybe that's what they're pointing at.

Erin likes it hot. said...

where does your vag start? I mean, Vexed some dwarf torso person?

Also, landing strips. I wish my partner liked them because I feel such a sense of achievement watching it grow up. Now a days the curtains don't match the drapes because I've shaved them off so much.
(The curtains or the drapes?) I am not in the know where these terms are concerned.

Allie said...

Erin- I'm not sure... hopefully Vexed will comment on the status of our torso.

And I'm with you about the landing strip. Hell, I'm ready to start a revolution and bring the '70s style porn bush back. Who's with me?!?

Anyone???

Shane Pilgrim said...

Brilliant! Although I wouldn't call Barbie the archetype of femininity and beauty. More like the archetype of oppression and sandwich-making. But still, kudos for the joke :P

~SP

Allie said...

Dammit Shane, now I'm hungry. I wonder if Barbie will make me a turkey and swiss on rye...