Anywho, while watching the roast, I couldn't help but think that Mike Tyson must literally be killing thousands of women every day, but after that, I had another thought. What am I learning from watching pseudo-celebrities bash a horribly addicted coke-addict who has snorted more money than I will ever see even if I started giving $1,000 blowjobs tomorrow? Oh, well, since you asked...
What I Learned from the Charlie Sheen Roast
1. Mike Tyson, besides being a serial killer, is a poet laureate. Just take a looksie at this verbal gem.
This wife-beating cokehead,
Complains he's some rockstar from Mars.
Man, if you were black, you'd be behind bars.
Which is bullshit, you know, because I'm the greatest poet alive
I'm the greatest wordsmith ever.
I'm Robert Frost.
I'm Lord Byron.
My verses are impetuous.
My rhymes are impregnable.
I wanna eat your children.
We get it, Mike. Babies are tasty.
2. Brooke Mueller, Charlie's ex-wife who he held at knife-point, thinks Charlie's shenanigans are fucking hilarious. The camera spent about 50 percent of the time panning to Mueller, who was literally gasping for air, and not because Charlie was choking her for once.
Don't worry, Brooke. I think domestic violence is a hoot, too!
3. Patrice O'Neal has diabetes. Bummer.
4. White people don't know who Richard Pryor is, which cements into fact something I've always suspected. I am actually black.
5. Steve-O is a comedian now. Bummer.
6. Kate Walsh may in fact think she is a doctor, but that's okay, because I would totally let her give me a pap smear.
7. Amy Schumer is a funny bitch, and is now under fire for a Ryan Dunn joke. Come on people, it's a roast. We can make fun of Amy Winehouse, but not Dunn. He drove drunk and crashed, he did not have childhood leukemia. Fucking relax.
8. Jeffrey Ross' face is melting, and he might be a Nazi or something.
9. People think Seth MacFarlane is gay, because he likes show tunes and voices the sexually-confused infant on Family Guy. He is also an impeccable dresser and talks like he has a penis in his throat.
I just don't see it.
10. Charlie Sheen is a pretty funny guy. It's a shame that a shit-ton of bad behavior has made him a characeteur of himself. #Winning #Warlocking #RockStarFromMars #BatshitCrazyFromSyphilis
On a slightly unrelated note, if you want a good laugh or masturbation sessions, visit former-goddess Bree Olson's Twitter account. Do it quick, before she asphyxiates after one of her many bukkake scenes.