Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Things I Learned from the Charlie Sheen Roast

Last night, Comedy Central aired its much-anticipated Charlie Sheen roast. Sure it's been a couple months since Sheen went completely fucking crazy and took over every aspect of media, but that doesn't mean that we still can't appreciate a good hooker joke at a famous person's expense. (Sheen apparently loves whores. Who knew, right?)

Anywho, while watching the roast, I couldn't help but think that Mike Tyson must literally be killing thousands of women every day, but after that, I had another thought. What am I learning from watching pseudo-celebrities bash a horribly addicted coke-addict who has snorted more money than I will ever see even if I started giving $1,000 blowjobs tomorrow? Oh, well, since you asked...

What I Learned from the Charlie Sheen Roast

1. Mike Tyson, besides being a serial killer, is a poet laureate. Just take a looksie at this verbal gem.

This wife-beating cokehead,
Complains he's some rockstar from Mars.
Man, if you were black, you'd be behind bars.
Which is bullshit, you know, because I'm the greatest poet alive
I'm the greatest wordsmith ever.
I'm Robert Frost.
I'm Lord Byron.
My verses are impetuous.
My rhymes are impregnable.
I wanna eat your children.

We get it, Mike. Babies are tasty.

2. Brooke Mueller, Charlie's ex-wife who he held at knife-point, thinks Charlie's shenanigans are fucking hilarious. The camera spent about 50 percent of the time panning to Mueller, who was literally gasping for air, and not because Charlie was choking her for once.

Don't worry, Brooke. I think domestic violence is a hoot, too!

3. Patrice O'Neal has diabetes. Bummer.

4. White people don't know who Richard Pryor is, which cements into fact something I've always suspected. I am actually black.

5. Steve-O is a comedian now. Bummer.

6. Kate Walsh may in fact think she is a doctor, but that's okay, because I would totally let her give me a pap smear.

7. Amy Schumer is a funny bitch, and is now under fire for a Ryan Dunn joke. Come on people, it's a roast. We can make fun of Amy Winehouse, but not Dunn. He drove drunk and crashed, he did not have childhood leukemia. Fucking relax.

8. Jeffrey Ross' face is melting, and he might be a Nazi or something.

9. People think Seth MacFarlane is gay, because he likes show tunes and voices the sexually-confused infant on Family Guy. He is also an impeccable dresser and talks like he has a penis in his throat.

I just don't see it.

10. Charlie Sheen is a pretty funny guy. It's a shame that a shit-ton of bad behavior has made him a characeteur of himself. #Winning #Warlocking #RockStarFromMars #BatshitCrazyFromSyphilis

On a slightly unrelated note, if you want a good laugh or masturbation sessions, visit former-goddess Bree Olson's Twitter account. Do it quick, before she asphyxiates after one of her many bukkake scenes.


Liz Taylor said...

GOD YOU HAVE TALENT!!! I'M FUCKING DYING!!!!! Seriously, this. is. your. calling.

Erin likes it hot. said...

three was so funny

Maxwell said...

1. Tyson is crazy. I have an easier time understanding drunken schizophrenic homeless people shouting in Russian. And I don't speak Russian.
2. Domestic violence IS funny. This is why I like to hit women to break the ice.
3. You misspelled that - it's "diabeetus"
4. Which is hilarious, since the whitest person in the world actually made the joke.
5. That is a serious Bummer.
6. I'm in total agreement. She could check me for a hernia any time. With her tongue. And, she was funnier than I expected.
7. I would say "Fuck Ryan Dunn", but I don't want to be accused of necrophilia. But the whiny bitches need to shut the fuck up. Steve-o included.
8. His mother actually was raped by the Ugly Tree while pregnant. I hope that explains it.
9. I'm usually without a penis in my mouth, but I want to be Seth when I grow up.
10. I want to rub Charlie Sheen for luck. That dude has to be immortal or something...

Allie said...

Liz- Thanks so much! I really appreciate that.

Erin- Thanks. I think diabetes is funny too.

Maxwell- That was wonderful!! And I think we could all use a Charlie Sheen rub, or some of his tigerblood, or whatever the hell it is that makes him immortal.

Nicky said...

My two year old can pronounce her S's and button her shirt! Take that Tyson!

Bonnie said...

a dick with cocaine on it is called a "sheenis".....I was fucking dying......baaahahahahaha

Allie said...

Nicky- Yeah, Tyson can suck it! He wouldn't be able to eat your babies.

Bonnie- Me too! That was definitely a highlight of the roast.

Tara said...

I can't believe Brooke Mueller went to that! The whole situation is incredibly trashy, although it is also incredibly entertaining. And c'mon, the "winning" phenomenon was funny for like, two seconds.

BlackLOG said...

Charlie Sheen - possibly the most appropriate name for a celebrity ever ….

As in, after a night fuelled by sex and drugs and mental turmoil my face is now sporting a real Charlie Sheen

Shane Pilgrim said...

I didn't watch this infamous Charlie Sheen roast, but now I really want to. It sounds amazing. Btw, in the hash tags line you forgot #SoMuchCokeHisBrainExplodedAndNowTheWorldWeepsOverHisExplodedReputation (is that 140 characters? I think it is. Not sure)

And I'm with you - I feel no sympathy for Ryan Dunn. The world stopped giving a shit about him years ago, and then as soon as he drank and drove it was supposed to be some sort of a tragedy? Like he's some sort of hero because he thought it would be cool to speed while several times over the legal limit? Give me a break.

And I'm with Liz - comedy is your calling. You should audition for the next roast.


Allie said...

Tara- Yeah, winning got really sad shortly after all of his whores (goddesses) left.

BlackLOG- I will be doing my part to make sure this catches on.

Shane- You really should catch the 1 million replays of the roast. It was awful but the kind of awful that makes you feel really good about your life.

About Ryan Dunn... I couldn't agree more. I mean, it's sad and death is horrible, but he drove drunk. Let's not make this dude a MTV martyr.

And thanks so much! We'll see about that audition lol

Cary said...

I didn't watch the Charlie Sheen roast... And I don't care to catch a replay, because I've got all the essentials here, with a hilarious twist! :D

And I gave you an award on my blog. :)


Allie said...

Thanks so much Cary!!!

Thank_Q said...

LOL @ #4! These were pretty funny. I'm starting to feel badly that I missed the roast because everyone is cracking up on it.

Allie said...

Q- You should catch one of the million replays. It had some worthwhile moments.