Thursday, September 15, 2011

Help! Snooki is Making Me Feel Sexually Inadequate

Allie, 
Okay so I have more of a question than a problem. Snooki the little meatball from the MTV show "Jersey Shore" is always talking about "sucking butt" is this just a saying or are there really self-respecting females out there sucking butt? Now don't get me wrong, I will give a bj and lick your balls, hell, I will even kiss or nibble your taint, but I will under no circumstance "suck your butt." So my question is: Is this just a funny saying or is the newest sex craze "baby I can't wait to suck your butt" because if it is I'm afraid that I can no longer call myself open minded in bed.

Suck Your.... What?!?!?!?

I'm not. 


Snooki is.


I don't know which one you should trust when it comes to all your asshole-sucking expectations. I mean, she's got a book, a TV show and probably many pre-cancerous moles, and all I have is a blog. Plus, I'm positive she has banged more dudes than I have. Maybe we should all just take sex advice from Snooki.


But then again, the ol' Snookster is the color of a dirty penny and answers to the name Snooki, so maybe she doesn't make the best life decisions. So, I decided to bring in another opinion. Enter: My best friend.



My best friend is a complete sexual deviant (you would think her father didn't love her or something) and she's not doing it, so I don't think it has quite hit the mainstream. But I would get yourself prepared, SWS, because once it's on MTV it's not long before everyone is doing it. 

How does one get prepared for Anallingus, you ask...

Step 1. Vote Republican*

That's really the only step. Those silly bastards seem to love the asshole. See: Roberto Arango.

* Please don't actually vote Republican. Thanks.


XOXO Allie

P.S. If after reading this, you think you're fucked up enough to appear in this blog, write me at notreallyabarista@gmail.com or on Twitter @AllieOopsie. You will remain anonymous!

13 comments:

Bonnie said...

OK this snooki fad has got to fuckin' stop.

I myself have licked my husbands ass but didn't suck it. I have also poked my little finger in there (once) when giving him a BJ. Now this maybe TMI but I didn't enjoy it and haven't done it since. I only did this to be creative and try something new.....stick to the familiar people....treading into this "ass" territory is not a woman's job, but a man's

Maxwell said...

The end of this post made me so fucking amazingly happy...

Allie said...

Bonnie-I'm glad we are at this point in our Blogger relationship. I like it... a lot!

But seriously, I think you're right about ass territories.

Maxwell- Thanks! I enjoy pushing my political opinions on others.

BlackLOG said...

Rimming sounds like a seriously shit hobby…. What will be the next sexual deviant act – sucking face while your partner pukes their guts up….

I honestly believe that such is the depravity of mankind – think off the worse sex act you can and I bet that someone has not only done it but turned it around 180 degrees and banged the whole family, including all pets, above and including the size of a rodent…

Allie said...

BlackLOG- I hear you. While I'm usually respectable and supportive of whatever sexual decisions consensual adults choose to make, I think this is pretty foul.

Now, tell me more about this kissing/puking scenario...

Gabs said...

This is so great. I myself, am not really a booty meat kinda girl. Although the other weekend a gentleman shoved a finger in my porker unexpectedly. Needless to say I was shocked, and a tad bit uncomfortable.

Liz Taylor said...

hahahahahahahahhahaha YES god I LOVE YOU

Allie said...

Gabs- What?!? Guys really need to run stuff by a lady, such as a stray finger in the tushie.

Liz- Why thank you! I'm glad you appreciate a good ass-eating entry.

Anonymous said...

Now, tell me more about this kissing/puking scenario...

Only really good if you are a big fan of diced carrots.

If you can get a good reflex gagging action going between the two participants it can become like a game of tennis

BlackLOG said...

Now, tell me more about this kissing/puking scenario...

Only really good if you are a big fan of diced carrots. If you can get a good reflex gagging action going between the two participants it can become like a game of tennis...

Sorry the message went off half cocked on me

Shane Pilgrim said...

Once again I'm at work and I earned a funny look because I'm laughing out loud from one of your posts. I loved the standard Jersey Shore bashing, especially because I think that show represents pretty much everything wrong with our culture...but then you dropped the Vote Republican line and I just lost it.

It's a little known fact that Snooki's vagina was used to clean up the BP oil spill. After banging an endless line of STD-riddled dudes since a tender age she's so dry, they just dropped her into the Gulf and voila! Everything got sucked right up.

(Wow, that was kind of fucked up. I apologize.)

Anyway, please continue to brighten all of our days. kthxbye.

~SP

Thank_Q said...

First of all, I'm pretty sure Snooki is 1/2 Cheeto. Second, taking sex advice from Snooki is like getting smoking tips from a dragon. Lastly, you and Bonnie can email me your phone #'s. LOL! J/K

ren said...

wow..apparently i am alone in this world..i have no problem what so ever with rimming, licking, penetrating, ect my boyfriends asshole either by personal desire or request..snooki is a fucking idiot..if she walked around saying "im the president of jellybeans" would you feel like your jellybelly's were judging you? grow a spine, if snooki can make you FEEL anything, you watch too much tv..