Thursday, September 29, 2011

Dude on Craigslist Explains How to be a Catch

The emails are starting to dry up at I'm Not Really a Barista. So instead of my usual unqualified relationship/sex advice, this Thursday I decided to take another trip to the personals Craigslist. Take a little looksie at this gem.

Man, oh, man, who knew Steve Harvey was hanging out on Craigslist doling out advice on how to be the best vagina-haver ever. I mean, I really appreciate this fine young gentleman giving me tips on how to make a fella happy, but I have a couple small issues with his suggestions.

1. Craigslist Guy suggests that I should be a lady in public AT ALL TIMES, because men value virtue. By virtue, I'm going to assume he means tits... men value tits. And what do ladies have? Yep, you guessed it, boobies. So to be a "lady in public at all times" actually means, reveal so much of your breasts that you are literally on the verge of getting arrested every time you go outside.

2. Second, only to showing your girly-pillows, is being a master chef because "guys like to eat." Hmm... I hope he likes Hot Pockets, because I can microwave the shit out of a Hot Pocket.

3. Alright, Craigslist Guy, I wanted to take you seriously, but I can't respect someone giving relationship advice on a site best known for 12-year-old hookers if they make careless typos. Everyhting? Really? And to think I was going to be a TOTAL slut for you!

Thanks a lot random CL dude. I'm always looking for ways to make myself more desirable to the opposite sex, especially when it comes from someone undoubtedly living in his parents' basement.

Have fun playing World of Warcraft!

P.S. If you're looking for real unqualified advice from someone who has actually touched another human being, email me at You will remain anonymous!


Erin likes it hot. said...

Whatever, he just copied that out of Cosmo.

Allie said...

Lol how dare he try to has off this wisdom as his own!

Woody said...

Do you think he really LOLed after saying "call me?" I doubt it, unless he's incredibly easily amused.

Also, "girly-pillows" is now my go-to term for boobs.

Allie said...

Unfortunately, I have no doubt that he had a good LOL after that, probably because the thought of a woman calling him is chuckle-inducing.

And yes, enjoy "girly-pillows." The ladies love it!

Cafe.Coffee.Latte said...

I'm scared to go on CRAIGSLIST! haha

Allie said...

I would be scared to actually contact someone from Craigslist, but just going on and judging people is a morale booster. You should try it!

JC said...

Girly Pillows is second only to my favorite "sweater Zepplins" Just rolls of the tounge. Scondly, if you are going to read my CL ad, PLEASE include all of it...especially the earlier one where I tell men what women Want...a man that can Chug beers, and by "chug beers" i mean have a job, screw good (just replace Screw with "treat her" and a huge schlong, and by scholng i mean bank account. Fun read keep it up.

Allie said...

Sweater zepplins=Amazing!!!

And sorry about leaving out your previous CL ad, I just didn't agree with all of it. Women actually want a man:

Who can chug beers, and by chug beer, I mean never talk to me about any type of cage fighting.

Screw good, which actually means, be a total dickhead and talk about how hot my best friend is.

Has a huge schlong, and by that, I mean be able to locate a clitoris in the dark with his hands behind his back.

Thanks for the laugh, JC!

Fred Miller said...

I may have to leave you up on my W.O.W. button for another week. This is great. If I switch it out tomorrow, I'll definitely rotate you up there again soon. It's just hard to find people who pace their writing this well. The jokes are just far enough apart and just funny enough. Sorry, it's so un-funny to talk about humor. But you make me orgasm. And by orgasm, I mean laugh.

Allie said...

Thanks, Fred! I really appreciate all the kind words and encouragement you've been giving me. Plus, you make me laugh, and by laugh, I mean orgasm.

Anonymous said...

I like the part at the top that said to report any exploitation of minors to the proper authorities!