Happy Halloween to the Future Cast of "16 and Pregnant"

Halloween is mere hours away and for any of you guys still searching for the perfect costume to get for the underage girl in your life, I've found a few options in the aisles of Target.

The "Little Girl Sold into Sex Trafficking" Costume

The "Stepdad's Tickle Party" Costume

The "No Sex in the Champagne Room, Unless You Got Some Blow" Costume

I learned after further inspection of the costumes that they're supposed to be something from a show called "Monster High," which is I'm pretty sure is kiddie porn. I'd Google it, but I have enough problems with authorities without adding sexual predator to the list.

Anyways, have a happy and sexually-gratutious Halloween. 

Help! My Boyfriend Wants Anal More Than a Republican Congressman

Dear Allie,

My boyfriend of about six months really wants to have anal sex with me. It's all he talks about. I want to make him happy, but I'm scared that it's going to hurt too bad, plus I'm concerned about the cleanliness stuff.

If I go through with it, what do I need to know? Are there any tips that will make it easier. Any advice would be appreciated!

Thanks,

Scared of Anal

Suck it, Ann Landers! Is anyone asking you how to successfully have tushie sex? 

Nope, I didn't think so.

Sure, this blog will ensure that I never get hired as anything other than a latte-maker or one of Nevada's legal hookers, but who cares, I'm doing the work of angels. 

Now, let's get this girl so comfortable with anal that she will be bent over like Roberto Arango at a Bachmann after-party.

Alright, SOA, there's a few things I want to ask before I give my tips on anal. First, do you want to do this or are you just doing it to appease your pain-in-the-ass boyfriend? If it's the latter, then I want you to think about actually going through with it. I think most sex acts, especially those we aren't initially comfortable with, should be done because of some personal desire to do it.

But for sake of giving advice, I'm going to assume that deep down you want to GET IT IN. So here's my advice for an anal-newbie.

1. RELAX. Seriously! Breathe. Don't tense up. And it might even help if you have a more traditional form of sex beforehand so your body is already in Go-Mode.
2. Lube. Water-based if you are using condoms and maybe something oil-based (because of the lasting factor) if you guys are condom-less. Remember to be safe. Tests done, etc.
3. Speed. Go slow until your comfortable and make sure you pass this morsel of advice on to your seemingly eager boyfriend. 
4. Call the shots. Come to the agreement that if you begin to feel overwhelmed you can stop the act. This veto power might make you feel in control enough to get through any inhibitions.
5. Cleanliness. A little gross I know, but try to have some type of movement before you partake in the act. If you're still feeling self-conscious, buy an enema and call it a day.

Other than that, it's up to you, SOA. You are the only person who knows your body and what you are comfortable with. Hopefully this helps! 

Now. Go. Perform an act that will make your father wake up in a cold sweat with a desire to buy a gun.

XOXO,

 Allie

P.S. If after reading this you think, "Hmm... is that a ingrown hair or herpes?" Write me at notreallyabarista@gmail.com or on Twitter @AllieOopsie. You will remain anonymous!

Dear GOP, Even Pat Robertson Thinks You're Batshit Crazy

Attention Republican presidential hopefuls: The old dude from the 700 Club, who believes homosexuality caused Hurricane Katrina, thinks you need to take it down a notch. 

Yep, the fella who believes Haiti had it coming and that feminists are really just witchcraft-practicing lesbians, said on his program that Republicans are going into extremes that will lose them the general election.

Holy shit. This completely logical piece of advice is coming from the man who undoubtedly beats off to the idea of Ann Coulter spitting on an illegal immigrant. 

Are you listening GOP? 

The gatekeeper of the Religious Right thinks that you guys are going to lose the general election if you don't adopt some more moderate positions. This is like Charles Manson telling someone that they might need to seek some therapy because they're acting a little nutty.

Does God, Jesus, and the freaking Holy Spirit need to come down to Earth, buy a Prius, slap a COEXIST sticker on that bad boy, and vote Democrat before you guys realize that you have isolated your party.

I don't know if this blog really has a point, but the fact that I agree with something Pat Robertson said makes me feel unclean. So I'm going to go take some birth control and masturbate to girl-on-girl porn.

Maybe it really is the end of days.

Help! I'm DTF a D-BAG

Hi Allie!

I just stumbled across your blog, courtesy of 20sb, and I'm in awe of your awesomeness.  Your blog is what my blog wants to be when it grows up.  

So, I have an actual boy dilemma and would love a snarky/ridiculous response:

A guy I'm interested in has made it clear that he wants to get down and dirty with me.  I'm totally into this, since I'm not looking for a boyfriend right now.  However, I think he might be hiding a somewhat serious girlfriend from me.  How do I find out the truth, and if he turns out to be a douche, how do I teach him a lesson?

Thanks,

The Other Woman

I'm hungover. 

How hungover you ask?

Really fucking hungover! Stop asking me questions my head hurts!

Anyways, since I'm in the delicate state that I am in, I'm going to make this short and sweet.


First, TOW, thanks for all the blogging love. I hope you still love me after I dispense some horrible advice your way.


As I read your letter, TOW, I couldn't help but wonder if you were Amish. I mean, that would be the only reason why I would guess that you couldn't just pop your cute, little tushie over to Facebook and check out your suitor's relationship status. If this fella is in a "serious relationship" that he is hiding from you, I'm going to assume he is not hiding it from his girlfriend. 


So go. Take a looksie. I'll wait.


Okay so when you went over to Zuckerberg-land did you see this.

No? Then leave this kid THE FUCK ALONE! Listen, I understand that sometimes it is tempting to get caught up in a scandalous, tawdry affair, but trust me, it won't be worth it. Unless, this guy is Bradley-fucking-Cooper with a tripod-like penis and can breathe through his ears, it won't be worth it. 

Because the following will happen: his girlfriend will find out and make it a mission to kill you. Why? Well, because it's a lot easier to get mad at the girl than your cheating bitch of a boyfriend. 

So let this one go, TOW. You obviously have great taste (you like me) and you will find a random dude to fuck who is on your level. 

And if you want to get back at him  use the same social-media site. Take an image-capture of one of his text propositioning down-and-dirty time and then tag that shit on Facebook. 

Girlfriend? What girlfriend?

I'm going to go change my relationship status to IN AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP now, because I want to get down and dirty with every last one of you.

XOXO,

 Allie

P.S. If after reading this you think, "Wow sex is really confusing!" Write me at notreallyabarista@gmail.com or on Twitter @AllieOopsie. You will remain anonymous!

GOP Debate CliffsNotes

I'm back. 

I fought off my Flu. Or West Nile. Or Scurvy. Whatever hell-born illness that kept me in my bed watching Toddlers and Tiaras while taking copious amounts of Robotussin. By the way, I had no idea that drinking a couple bottles of cough syrup makes you trip balls but apparently it does. So it's been a pretty good week.

Anyways, I'm back just in time for the eighth and not-even-slightly unnecessary GOP debate being held tonight in Las Vegas. Yep, our favorite gaggle of entitled tools are here for another round of talking about why they should be the leader of the free world. I wish I cared enough to watch it, but as I mentioned earlier, I may be addicted to drugs now, so that means my vote goes to Ron Paul.

But for my loyal readers who may not be as confident in their pick, I've decided to gather up some of my favorite #GOPdebate, #Tweetthepress, #CNNdebate tweets to give you guys an overview of the event without having to watch that awful fucking thing.

•  @RexHuppke: I love it when they use the term "illegals." It so racist-y without *officially* being racist! #tweetthepress 
• @addiestan: Apparently Republicans like science when it comes to nukes; not so much when it comes to climate change. And monkeys. 
• @sbellelauren: michele bachman is a closet duggar please RT #tweetthepress
• @aishatyler: If Bachmann doesn't get the nom she can always audition for Julie the Social Director on the remake of "The Love Boat." #CNNdebate
• @pattonoswalt: A Mormon just complimented a black man on his chutzpah. #GOPDebate
• @nationallampoon: Romney's missing a great opportunity to run on a Polygamy platform & get 100% of the male vote. #GOPDebate
• @youngsinick: Every time I look at Rick Santorum I think, "So this is what Ted Haggard as a politician looks like?"
• @AdamWearsPants: I'm trying to picture Jesus telling the poor and unemployed to suck it. #TweetThePress
• @TheDweck: The weak performances of Rick Perry & Herman Cain at this debate are proof that Mitt Romney's magic underpants really do work #tweetthepress

Don't you feel informed now? Feel free to thank me with bottles of Robotussin. 

Delay of Game

I'm still sick. 

How sick you ask?

Well, my sinuses are expelling more fluid than Marcus Bachmann at a nude, all-male revival of A Streetcar Named Desire.

So I've decided to skip this week's Thursday advice blog, mainly because I'm so high on various medications that I'm likely to encourage a reader to head down to Tijuana and take part in a "donkey show" as an alternative to banging her sexually-retarded lover. And since bestiality will never be the answer, I'm sitting this one out.

But because I can't just leave you crazy kids High and Dry, here's a link to Dan Savage's (my gay-husband/person who has no fucking clue who I am) advice column. Enjoy.

I'm off to Tijuana. Olé, y'all!

The Holy Grail of Closet Cases

Usually I dedicate Tuesdays to something I love in the news. It just so happens that my first love will always be when a homophobic politician ends up with a cock in the mouth.

Unfortunately, I'm sick and just can't find the energy to dig up something scandalous, so I decided to give my beloved readers a powerful tool.

Enter: GayHomophobe.com

This website gives a running countdown of "homophobic-but-queer politicians" or other prominent bigots who get caught in a sex scandal. It's a fun read, and all the proceeds from the website go to Truth Wins Out.

I'm going to go take some Nyquil and try to give myself a bikini wax. I'll let you guys know how it goes.

I'm About to Get All Emotional and Shit

If you are a frequent reader of this blog, you're probably aware that nothing I say should be taken seriously. I write horrible things that will undoubtedly give me a front-row seat in hell, mainly because my parents didn't love me enough, and I'm constantly seeking attention from strangers (which explains the weird taint-rash I can't seem to shake.)

Anywho, I want you all to know that I mean everything I'm about to say for once.

In the past couple of weeks, I have gotten a lot of love from people in the blogosphere, and I just wanted to take a moment away from talking about balls to tell all you guys how thankful I am.

I started this blog after a particularly hellacious day serving coffee, and I never expected for anyone besides my co-workers to read it. I wrote a couple posts about a customer that reminded me a Slingblade, and for the most part, forgot about it.

Then my college graduation loomed, and I began to get the sinking feeling that my journalism degree would go unused. It's not that I didn't enjoy being a journalist, but it just didn't feel right. I had come from a creative-writing/performance background and only majored in journalism, because I felt it would have a more concrete endpoint. Too bad I didn't know that endpoint would involve a string of internships that had me jabbing myself in the hand with a pencil to stay awake. I wanted freedom to write whatever I wanted, so I came back to my long-lost blog and started to write.

That was about three months, and I never expected to have readers. I never expected to have accolades from  people who make me laugh so hard I'm afraid I might pee on myself. I never expected to post a picture of Roberto Arango's asshole. But unexpected things happen, and I'm here.

I know I'm not huge (not even close), and as many people have told me I'm more likely to be a vagrant on the street sauteing pigeons over a trashcan fire, than to make a living from being a blogger. But to be honest, none of that matters, because I'm in love with writing again, and I have every person who has ever viewed this blog to thank for that.

So I just want to let everyone know, that I appreciate you all more than words can say.

Alright,  enough of that, I'm going to go put some calamine lotion on my weird taint-rash, and I'll be back to talk about closet-case politicos on Tuesday.

Help! My Boyfriend Doesn't Want to Eat at my Lady Buffet

Allie, 

My boyfriend hates giving oral. He wants me to do it almost every time we have sex but won't return the favor, he says that it's different. He makes me feel extremely self-conscious, like something is wrong with me. But his ex-girlfriend happens to be my sister's best friend and I know that he gave her oral at least a couple times. He says it's not me, but what am I suppose to think? I'm clean, shaved and cute. What's the problem? 

Thanks, 

Orally Deprived

Normally, Deprived I would tell you to break up with your boyfriend immediately. Hell, I would even make the phone call for you. However, things have changed ever since I've learned that our mutant vaginas are giving dudes the big C.

 Yep, researchers from Ohio State University are linking the influx of HPV-caused throat cancer in males to oral sex in a study from of the Journal of Clinical Oncology released Monday.

"An individual who has six or more lifetime partners — on

 whom they've performed oral sex – has an eightfold increase in risk compared to someone who has never performed oral sex."

- Dr. Maura Gillison of OSU.

Deprived, I'm going to assume that your boyfriend saw this study. Why else wouldn't he want to go down on you? I'm sure it has nothing to do with the years of misogynistic ideas that revolve around female genitalia. I mean, I think every single straight male was going home and literally drowning in his significant others nether regions until this study came out Monday.  

Basically, Deprived, the real question is: Why does Ohio State hate pussy so much? And well, that's just one question this unqualified advisor just can't answer. 

But there is good news, OD! Fellas who do get cancer from muff-diving have a 85-90 percent survival rate compared to guys with oral cancers not related to HPV. 

So, here's what I want you to do. Go home, sit your honey-muffin down and explain to him that while his fear is completely understandable, his survival rate is nearly guaranteed.

After that heart-to-heart, he should basically jump face-first into your lap. If not, I think it's time to find a new boyfriend who appreciates the lady buffet. And with the rise in cunnilingus-caused throat cancer, it seems like you'll have many a man to pick from! Enjoy!

Now, I'm off to get my HPV vaccine, and then give a donation to Planned Parenthood in Michele Bachmann's name. 

XOXO,

 Allie

P.S. If after reading this, you think, "Wow, sex is really confusing." Write me at notreallyabarista@gmail.com or on Twitter @AllieOopsie. You will remain anonymous!

Surprise Time! A Country Singer Doesn't like Obama

I guess Hank Williams Jr. went on Fox & Friends yesterday morning to compare President Obama to Hitler or Tiger Woods or something. Take a look.

Question. Why are we asking this dude his opinion about politics. He looks like the fucking shoe bomber and is wearing sunglasses indoors. This should automatically disqualify you from talking about anything other than the best way to beat your common-law wife. 

This is ridiculous even for you, Fox & Friends. What's next? Are we going to ask Taylor Swift for an exit strategy for Afghanistan? Willy Nelson about the legalization of marijuana? Well, that one actually makes sense.

Listen F&F, I understand that reputable political commentators avoid FNC like the receiving end of Marcus Bachmann's gloryhole, but that doesn't mean you should ask any random white person what they think about the 2012 GOP-nominees. That's not responsible journalism. Not even for you guys. 

Oh, and Hank, Hitler was a fascist. Look that word up and get back with me.

Then, Urban Dictionary the word douchecanoe.

Sister Wives. Skeeved Out Blogger.

The not-creepy-at-all TLC show “Sister Wives” just premiered its third season.

Yep, polygamist Kody, and his date-rapist haircut is back, with his four Mormon wives and 13 Mormon children eager to show viewers their reality--which involves a communal bed and industrial-strength lubricant I'm sure.

It's kind of like Girls Next Store, except I would rather give myself carpal tunnel beating Hugh Hefner's flaccid penis than pretend to enjoy a bro-hug from this dude.

The previews for the new episode highlight the struggles facing the five parents while broaching the topic of dating with their litter of kiddos. One of the moms even addresses her fear that the children won't choose a polygamist lifestyle.

“If our kids don't choose to live this way, gosh, did I do a bad job?”

No, it means that your kids took one look around and said, “Ummm, no thanks.” And that kid should be given a high-fucking-five.

Boy, TLC, you're really living up to your acronym with this series. I've learned from your channel to never have a three-way with a Mormon, because this is what will happen.

Ugh. It can't be unseen.