Thursday, January 19, 2012

Help! Boy/Boy/Girl Threesomes are Stressful!

Dear Allie,

Firstly - I love you all over your face for the blog. the advice you dispense is always wonderful.

This letter has two questions in it, the first a conundrum, the second a dispute to settle between my boyfriend and I:

The first one is that my boyfriend has a bit of a thing for bisexual men (as in, it turns him on that I'm attracted to girls - lucky me!). The practical up-shot of this is that he likes to watch while I pash girls, and has even filmed it once or twice while I've slept with
them. But, he wants to take it to the next level and actually be there/engage with both of us next time - which I'm fine with. It's just that he's completely, not-even-curious-about-girls gay. Basically - what should we do if he can't, when it happens? Obviously, it'd be embarrassing for him, awkward for me and possibly soul-shattering for her. The last time he tried to get with a chick, he nearly hurled.

The second question is the dispute: He thinks I'm broken for finding Bear Grylls extremely sexy (although I don't think I could kiss a man who drinks his own pee). Please tell me: Am I broken? Or is the man 'fuck me in the toilets because I can't wait to get home'-worthy?

Eagerly awaiting your under-qualified but remarkably astute insights,

A Question of Etiquette



This is my first advice blog since I've come back from Drink-a-palooza, also known as Christmas and my birthday, and I'm so excited to be starting off with an email like this.

First off, I want to thank you for the face love, Mr. Etiquette. I'm now going to try to help you get a little love on your face, if you know what I mean.

I mean ejaculate, in case you were wondering.

Moving on. So your fella wants to join in on all this bisexual fun, but you're worried that he may realize, once he's in the act, that he'd rather vote for Rick Santorum than bang a girl. To that I say-- so what?

Your curious bed-fellow may realize that he's has no interest in diving into the Muff Sea, but then again he might not. He probably won't figure it out until the clothes start coming off.

But then there's the issue of the female. What if she's humiliated that your "completely, not-even-curious-about-girls gay" boyfriend doesn't want to have sex with her? Well, I guess that's a risk she'll have to take.

Listen, in any situation that involves sexual activity, I believe that there should be open communication. When you find a girl that you two agree upon, have a chat with her. Explain that your boyfriend, while curious, isn't sure if he's ready to be with a girl sexually, but that he wants to try.

The girl will either be cool with that idea or not, but I'm going to take a wild guess that any chick who agrees to getting it on with you guys, will not be too broken if your boyfriend has to excuse himself, vomit a bit and grab the camcorder, instead of continuing with the threesome.

That's the thing about exploring fantasies, sometimes you realize they're best left as fantasies. Then you cross that shit off your list.

Now, about the Bear Grylls debate. I wasn't sure if your bf would trust my sexual-attraction meter, me being a vagina-haver and all. So I asked my live-in lover, who I'm about 98 percent certain is straight, and he said he would happily bang Bear Grylls, which I think means that Mr. Piss-Drinking Grylls is a super-duper hottie!

It also means that if you're ever looking for a straight dude to throw into your three-way action, my boyfriend might be available.

You're welcome.

 XOXO
                                                         Allie

P.S. If after reading this you think, "Wow! That barista knows a lot about threesomes." Write me at notreallyabarista@gmail.com or on Twitter @AllieOopsie. You will remain anonymous!

5 comments:

Carrymel said...

Great advice, as always Allie <3 ! I don't think the girl involved should care about being offended. Hell, it's an honor to even be invited in a gay man's bedroom, if you ask me! lol if he's not into her, she needs to pick up the pieces and move on. You're having a threesome with two men who are in a relationship - it's CLEARLY not about you.

http://carrymel.blogspot.com

Lost.in.Idaho said...

Great advice!

I see the girl in this as more of an adventurist. "Can I make the gay boy go straight? Am I that awesome?" If the answer is yes, she's a rock star. If no, meh...

Have them start out with oral. His eyes closed. Maybe play a game of 'guess the mouth?' Blindfold him, then take turns sucking him off...

Shane Pilgrim said...

Nicely said! I think any dilemma that involves putting people in potentially awkward positions (pun completely intended) can be resolved with an honest, up-front chat. That way there are no surprises, and hopefully minimal awkwardness. Greatly enjoyed the mandatory Rick Santorum reference.

~Shane

Allie said...

Carrymel-Exactly! I would definitely be honored to be invited into a gay man's bedroom.

Lost- I think the blindfold game is a great idea.

Shane- Completely agree! And I'm glad you enjoyed the Santorum reference. I plan on bad-mouthing him in every blog post until he drops out of the election.

MonsteRawr said...

I would like to add a +1 for the sexiness of Bear Grylls. I would hit that with the same ferocity that he bites into a still-flapping raw fish.