Frozen is Indoctrinating Kids in the Most Adorable Way Possible.

Have you seen the movie Frozen yet? If so, there's a good chance you're now gay. Congratulations!

I know you're probably thinking, that's not how human sexuality works--but it is. At least that's what Kevin Swanson, the batshit insane host of the talk show Religious Right, suggested Wednesday.

Let's go over some of his talking points, shall we.

• I think this cute little movie [Frozen] is going to indoctrinate my 5-year-old to be a lesbian or treat homosexuality or bestiality in a light sort of way. Why do these assholes always put homosexuality and bestiality together?
• I would buy Disney. If I was the Devil, I would buy Disney in 1984, that’s what I would have done. Who spends a large portion of their time thinking about what they would do if they were the Devil in the '80s.
• I’m guessing the majority of American parents don’t want their little boys turning into sodomites, at this point. My guess is that 60 to 70 percent of them would say, 'That would be my worst nightmare. Uh Oh, he's breaking out made up statistics. Watch out!

You can listen to the entire conversation here if you have a strong stomach.

I can't say for sure that Frozen isn't indoctrinating children with some type of anti-right gay agenda. I haven't seen it yet, so the jury's still out. However, I did just watch Blue is the Warmest Color, and I was super indoctrinated, if you know what I mean. Ladies, hit me up.

But I can say, that Disney has pulled this shit before.

Who didn't watch The Little Mermaid and immediately want to have sex with a fish? King Triton. Oh my God, I don't know how it would work out anatomically, but I want to be on him.

Aladdin. It totally explains my soft spot for men that lie. And steal.

Pocahontas. Let's just say that I've been banned from going anywhere near several reservations after trying to make a John Smith-Allie-Kocoum fantasy happen.

Cinderella. How many foot fetishists did that movie create? 

The Beast. Let's not even go there.

So obviously the Devil is at work acting as the entire Disney corporation, but now we're on to him.

You hear me, Devil Disney! Stop indoctrinating our young with your sexually-charged, animated movies. They're too adorable and tantalizing.

But seriously, who thinks this Kevin Swanson dude shouldn't ever be allowed in a children's movie again if he's seeing this much sexual metaphor in Frozen? He probably shouldn't be near playgrounds either. 

But who knows, that might just be my indoctrination speaking. 

Maybe Child Abuse Isn't that Bad After All

It appears that a Rush Limbaugh/Ann Coulter/Glenn Beck gangbang spawned some sort of evil, bigoted lovechild about 14 years ago.

His name is Caiden Cowger. He "hosts" a show on YouTube, and is a real asshole. Don't believe me? Watch this video.

Thanks for the insights, Caiden. That's a super-straight name, by the way. I'll get back to you in just a sec.

As you can imagine, Caiden angered a lot of people with his opinions on homosexuality and the president, but the West-Virginia (suprising, right?) teen refused to back down. He has even created a new Youtube channel and is ready to spew more teenage-angst into the interwebs.

So, Caiden, I hear you have a problem with the gays. You think it's a choice. You think it's perverted. You think all your middle school homies are now sucking dick ever since Lady Gaga and the president came out in support of marriage equality. 

Man, that sounds tough. It's really hard to be 14, huh? I mean you have all of these opinions, but no one will listen to you.

But you want to know what's worse than that, Caiden?

Some 14-year-old punk having an opinion about fucking ANYTHING. I don't even want to have to sit next to a teenager at the movies, much less hear one pretend that he has any clue about the complexities of human sexuality.

And that's fine, at 14 you're not supposed to have concrete beliefs, because you haven't really been out in the world yet. I'm 26, and I'm still learning new things everyday. 

Caiden, I know I'm being hard on you. But you're obviously a precocious kid, and one day when you leave bumfuck West Virginia, you'll realize the ideas that have been shoved down your throat by the adults in your life may not be true. 

For example:

President Obama is not turning kids gay.

Homosexuality is not a choice.

Rush Limbaugh is not a role model.

Now if you've listened to nothing I've said thus far, listen to this. Recently a study published in The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that homophobia may be a result of repressed homosexual desire.

You know what that means, Caiden? 

That a lot of the people who talk about how wrong it is to be gay, end up being gay.

Sound familiar?

Help! Boy/Boy/Girl Threesomes are Stressful!

Dear Allie,

Firstly - I love you all over your face for the blog. the advice you dispense is always wonderful.

This letter has two questions in it, the first a conundrum, the second a dispute to settle between my boyfriend and I:

The first one is that my boyfriend has a bit of a thing for bisexual men (as in, it turns him on that I'm attracted to girls - lucky me!). The practical up-shot of this is that he likes to watch while I pash girls, and has even filmed it once or twice while I've slept with
them. But, he wants to take it to the next level and actually be there/engage with both of us next time - which I'm fine with. It's just that he's completely, not-even-curious-about-girls gay. Basically - what should we do if he can't, when it happens? Obviously, it'd be embarrassing for him, awkward for me and possibly soul-shattering for her. The last time he tried to get with a chick, he nearly hurled.

The second question is the dispute: He thinks I'm broken for finding Bear Grylls extremely sexy (although I don't think I could kiss a man who drinks his own pee). Please tell me: Am I broken? Or is the man 'fuck me in the toilets because I can't wait to get home'-worthy?

Eagerly awaiting your under-qualified but remarkably astute insights,

A Question of Etiquette


This is my first advice blog since I've come back from Drink-a-palooza, also known as Christmas and my birthday, and I'm so excited to be starting off with an email like this.

First off, I want to thank you for the face love, Mr. Etiquette. I'm now going to try to help you get a little love on your face, if you know what I mean.

I mean ejaculate, in case you were wondering.

Moving on. So your fella wants to join in on all this bisexual fun, but you're worried that he may realize, once he's in the act, that he'd rather vote for Rick Santorum than bang a girl. To that I say-- so what?

Your curious bed-fellow may realize that he's has no interest in diving into the Muff Sea, but then again he might not. He probably won't figure it out until the clothes start coming off.

But then there's the issue of the female. What if she's humiliated that your "completely, not-even-curious-about-girls gay" boyfriend doesn't want to have sex with her? Well, I guess that's a risk she'll have to take.

Listen, in any situation that involves sexual activity, I believe that there should be open communication. When you find a girl that you two agree upon, have a chat with her. Explain that your boyfriend, while curious, isn't sure if he's ready to be with a girl sexually, but that he wants to try.

The girl will either be cool with that idea or not, but I'm going to take a wild guess that any chick who agrees to getting it on with you guys, will not be too broken if your boyfriend has to excuse himself, vomit a bit and grab the camcorder, instead of continuing with the threesome.

That's the thing about exploring fantasies, sometimes you realize they're best left as fantasies. Then you cross that shit off your list.

Now, about the Bear Grylls debate. I wasn't sure if your bf would trust my sexual-attraction meter, me being a vagina-haver and all. So I asked my live-in lover, who I'm about 98 percent certain is straight, and he said he would happily bang Bear Grylls, which I think means that Mr. Piss-Drinking Grylls is a super-duper hottie!

It also means that if you're ever looking for a straight dude to throw into your three-way action, my boyfriend might be available.

You're welcome.

 XOXO

                                                         Allie

P.S. If after reading this you think, "Wow! That barista knows a lot about threesomes." Write me at notreallyabarista@gmail.com or on Twitter @AllieOopsie. You will remain anonymous!