Just. Vote.

Vote.

I don't care what party you are registered with, or what you believe about "your vote counting". 

Vote.

It's easy to get caught up in affiliation--in the blue or red of it all--but election day isn't solely about what box you check at the polls. 

It's about exercising a hard-earned right--a right bestowed to you by people who believed it was worth fighting for, worth dying for. They knew the most powerful gift they could leave the generations succeeding them was a voice. 

Don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

Vote.

Obama Vs. Romney Vs. Big Bird

I'm kind of on a hiatus. Mainly, I'm just busy and would rather spend my off-time watching shitty reality TV than pretending to be literate and witty three times a week.

However, today marks a much-anticipated event here at I'm Not Really a Barista--the first presidential debate.

Which means...

In this corner, weighing in at a brawny 195-pounds--the Mormon Monopoly Man, the whitest thing to come out of Detroit since any Eminem fan--Mitt "Magic Underpants" Romney.

And in this corner, weighing in at a lean, mean 170-pounds--that Hawaiian guy who might be a Muslim or a Socialist or in blackface--Barack "I Killed Fucking Bin Laden" Obama.

Now while I'm still on my blogging diet and couldn't be funny if I tried, that doesn't mean that you people can't.

Here are some of my favorite tweets from the #PresidentialDebate.

@BigBirdRomney

@RobDelaney

@natashaleggero

@heyitstva

@ItsHeatherRose

@curlycomedy

@ItsReginaG

Well, I think that was a successful first debate. We've learned that if you drink every time someone says "top-down economics" you'll be dead in 20 minutes. That there's something called "clean coal" which I  assume is coal ran through a dishwasher. That Romneycare and Obamacare are NOT the same thing.

And that Mitt Romney hates Big Bird, probably because he assumes any 6'5 guy wearing yellow feathers wants to get gay married.

Olympic Cycle Political Participants and the Bloggers that Hate Them.

I should probably be talking about politics--what with the RNC last week, the DNC this week, and a presidential election a mere 61 days away—but I just don't have it in me.

As someone who has branded herself a political blogger of sorts, I have a semi-scandalous confession. 

Election season makes me hate politics.

I know I can't be alone. I can hear the exasperated sighs from everyone when, yet another, political ad flashes on the TV screen, when your second cousin, with his eight-grade education, waxes poetically about the president being a Kenyan Muslim who collapsed the economy and the World Trade Center with one swoop of his half-black finger, and when every media outlet forgets their journalistic oath of unbiased coverage and picks a mother-fucking side like this is dodgeball.

It's not a secret, I'm a Democrat. A left-leaning Southern-born feminist, and I could write a goddamn novel about what it's like to have people around me think I'm a moron for my political beliefs. It would go a little something like this.

Now while I'm more than used to being in the political minority, I have a hard time listening to people who are what I like to call “Olympic-Cycle Political Participants”. You know the type, they actively participate in the presidential election, but couldn't tell you the name of their Senators if you put a gun to their head. They also always seem to scream the loudest—probably because they have to make up for all those years being political vegetables.

Now don't be misunderstood, OCPPs exist in both parties. But this is my blog, so I write about my truth-- a truth redder than 1980s Russian Shark Week.

These are the people that make this time particularly hard for me. Because while I'm extremely vocal on my blog about my opinions, I try to be respectful of others beliefs in my real life. I don't often post political messages on my personal social media sites, mainly because I realize the people who disagree with me are not going to be swayed by a snarky meme, just as I would not be if the roles were reversed.

I also am not interested in fighting with unarmed men. This may sound slightly arrogant, but I love politics. I follow it like most people follow professional sports. So I'm not going to argue with some once-every-four-year voter, just as I would not want to argue football with someone who knows what in the fuck a wingback is. (Thank you, boyfriend.)

But while I'm frustrated with the social-media zealots, the political ads and the Rush Limbaugh's of the world, I can't help but still tune it.

Just now, I watched Gabby Giffords lead the Pledge of Alligance at the DNC, and I can't help but feel lucky. Lucky to have a voice. Lucky to care enough to vote, to be an active political participant. Because November will come and go and OCPPs will go back to spamming my Facebook feed with Farmville updates and Nickelback videos, and I can go back to enjoying life.

But until then, I'll remember how grateful I feel right now as I watch this brave woman lead a room full of people who believe in the political process. I'll also remember that I have a deactivate account button. 

See you November 7th , Facebook.

RNC and the Five Stages of Grief

As many of you know, we're elbow deep into the Republican National Convention. Obviously my prayers for Hurricane Isaac to blow through Tampa like Marcus Bachmann during fleet week went unanswered.

Oh well, you can't win 'em all.

If anything positive has come from the old, rich, white guy Olympics, better known as the RNC, it's that we finally have a confirmed Republican presidential nominee.

Yep, Mittens McMagic Underpants will try to convince enough people that he is likable. And Paul Ryan will continue to spit on rape victims while polishing his dead eyes.

It really is an exciting time for everyone.

Except me.

I've tried, guys, really I have, but my pain threshold just isn't what it used to be. Every time I try to watch coverage, I end up going through the five stages of grief.

DENIAL: This cannot be happening to me.

ANGER: Yes, Ann, he's totally a self-made man, you fucking twat-waffle!!

BARGAINING: Herman Cain wasn't that bad. Can we get him back? I swear to turn in my frequent aborter card. 

DEPRESSION: I give up. I don't need equality. I just need to lie in bed for awhile and eat this pint of Ben and Jerry's.

ACCEPTANCE: I can accept this! I can accept this! Trickle-down economics? Are you fucking kidding me?!

And then the cycle starts all over.

Hopefully, you guys are enjoying the RNC coverage more than me. Let me know if there's any good drinking games helping you get through this trying time.

I'm going to go watch Pretty Woman now and try to remember a simpler time when venture capitalists looked like Richard Gere and romanced hookers, instead of attempting to hold office.

Did You Hear Mitt Romney is ...

It's been a pretty crazy week in politics, what with the Supreme Court upholding President Obama's health care overhaul.


Did you know that under Obamacare it's totally legal to shoot anyone over the age of 65 who has the sniffles for more than 2 days? 


Me either! But Twitter told me. And my relatives on Facebook. 


If you live under a rock, or in a blue state, people are pissed about the SCOTUS ruling. I think Dave Rubin said it best on Twitter.

 

Seems crazy, huh? 

But if you ask anyone against healthcare reform they will give you a laundry list of reasons (many which are batshit crazy) why Obamacare roughly equals Armageddon.

But that's where the Right has always had the Left beat. The crazy coalition.

Righties get together and the crazy spreads like wildfire. Then the crazy gets a bullhorn and screams at the top of its lungs. And then the crazy starts rubbing off on normal people, and I have to hear people say things like.

"Did you hear Obama is going to take away our guns?"

"Did you hear Obama said he's a Muslim."

"Did you hear Obama is a socialist. He's also a fascist.

 No, I don't know what either of those mean, necessarily."

And then I start to cry. Because I realize that the Right is on to something. They out-crazy the Left EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. 

And the president has to do things like show his birth certificate. Because the bullshit grows legs and wanders out of the trailer parks and into the real world.

Well, I think it's time Democrats step up the crazy. And what a perfect time, because I've heard some pretty messed-up stuff about Mitt Romney lately, and I think I should share it with you guys!

Did you hear that Mitt Romney plans on

 selling the U.S. to China? 

Did you hear Mitt Romney is going to outlaw lingerie, 

and we're all going to have to wear Mormon underwear?

Did you hear Mitt Romney doesn't own a gun and 

drives a Prius?

Did you hear Mitt Romney was born in Mexico? He's going

to open the borders to his drug cartel friends!

Did you hear that Mitt Romney thinks Godfather 3 was

the best of the saga?

Did you hear Mitt Romney is going to outlaw Nascar 

and college football?

Did you hear Mitt Romney is from Detroit, and Kid Rock is a supporter?(Oh wait, that one's real. I guess some shit you just can't make up.)

Is there anything YOU'VE HEARD about Mitt Romney?

Will Marco Rubio's Perfectly Coifed Hair Win Him the VP Ticket?

There is so much stupid in the news today that I have no clue where to even begin.

Eeny. Meeny. Miney. Mormon.

Okay, I guess we'll start with the most dry-humpable former Mormon: Marco Rubio. 

Have you heard of him? Yeah, I assumed so. The Republican Party hasn't been this excited since the advent of Grindr.

I mean look at him. He's beautiful. He's young. He's charismatic. He's like a Cuban Barack Obama, without all that tolerance nonsense. And Mitt Romney is ready to make him his VP.

"Marco Rubio is being thoroughly vetted as

part of our process." -Mitt Romney 

I  can only assume this means Romney is going to give Rubio his letterman jacket and ask him to go steady.

Hungry Eyes.

To be honest, I'm a little nervous about this possible pairing. 


Rubio is a Jr. Senator from my state and has a pretty nasty track record when it comes to women's rights (Rubio wrote the bill that would give employers the right to deny contraceptive care based on moral objection.) That type of far-right crazy mixed with whatever "it" factor he has, might actually win Romney some votes. 

Here's hoping there are pictures of him dressed as Lady Gaga out there somewhere. 

Moving on.

Samuel Wurzelbacher is in the news, or Joe the Plumber as he's better known.


Wurzelbacher is running for the Ohio House.


Oh, and he thinks the Holocaust wouldn't have happened if only the Jews had access to assault rifles. 

Yep. He loves America. And guns!

Finally, my state's governor, Rick Scott is making headlines.

Why you ask?

Oh, he's just getting Florida sued.

The Lawsuit filed Tuesday claims that the governor is in violation of the Voting Rights Act because of his attempt to purge suspected non-citizens from Florida's voting rolls.

Of the 2,700 Floridians on the "purge list" 82 percent were people of color.

This comes on the heels of other moves, such as cutting early voter hours and voter registration drives, that critics suggest are aimed at lowering minority and student participation in the presidential election.

Nice one, Ricky.

Where are the Zombies when we need them, Florida?

Super Tuesday. Super Sick. Dammit.

It's Super Tuesday, which for a blogger than mainly talks about politics and blowjobs is like the Superbowl.

But I'm sick.

I'm assuming I caught a bit of the sniffles this weekend while I was down on the farm capturing a little man-on-goat love to send to my good pal Rush Limbaugh. Anything for puffy-faced, drug-addicted friend.

However, I do wish I wasn't about to fall into a Nyquil-induced coma so I could watch the results come in, but I have a feeling it's going to go a little something like this tonight.

Ron Paul: 0 wins. Counts the collective gold coins he keeps under his mattress.

Newt Gingrich: 1 win. Congratulates himself on an incredible victory, then prays to Reagan.

Rick Santorum: 3 wins. Googles himself repeatedly and ultimately masturbates to the definition.

Mitt Romney: 6 wins: Launders his magic underoos, then practices his "I don't hate poor people" smile in the mirror.

Happy Super Tuesday!

Santorum: A Frothy Failure in Michigan

Anyone ever give themselves a concussion?

No? Just me. Alright, well I feel like a real asshole right now.

So I've been MIA lately after my night stand went all Chris Brown on me. I wanted to figure out a way to literally blame it on Chris Brown, but I hear he's fist deep in his own problems.

Speaking of problems, I'm back just in time to watch Mitt "magic underoos" Romney fuck up Rick "frothy mix" Santorum's life, and while nothing is official at this time, it seems like Romney will take Michigan.

Now, I don't like Romney, but my hatred for Santorum is so deep it cannot be fully expressed without a machete and some type of interpretive dance. So basically, any loss for him is a direct win for me.

I'm hoping the string of disappointments will send him spiraling into the arms of some man he met on Craigslist.

One can only hope that man has an exhibitionist streak, a videocamera and is Chris Brown.

Romney Takes New Hampshire and No one is Surprised.

graphic from CNN.com

Mitt Romney won the New Hampshire primary. Holy shit! Is everyone as thoroughly not surprised as I am? I mean, what's not to love about about that sexy, salt-and-pepper bastard, besides his horrible politics, of course.

But that's not the point. Romney won. No one is shocked. Ron Paul came in second, mainly because he reminds everyone of their kooky grandpa who wants to legalize heroin. But what I'm really excited about is that my favorite, evangelical bigot came in next to last.

Yep, Rick Santorum was all smug from his second-place finish in Iowa. He had that shit-eating grin on his face, like he just jacked-off on a gay, illegal immigrant. But now he is last only to Rick Perry, and Perry is still trying to figure out where "Old Hampshire" is, so it's really not saying much.

Now, I know what you might be saying, "Allie, New Hampshire is a more moderate-voting state, Santorum might come back in South Carolina" and to that I say, "Fuck off, let me have this!"

Listen, I hate Rick Santorum. It is an intense, fiery hatred. The fact that he is still in this race makes me more angry than a tea-party member at an interracial wedding. So any defeat, no matter how expected makes me feel better. And while I know that there's not really a chance in hell that he will win this nomination, and my disdain may be better suited towards one of the more eligible candidates. I just can't help it. Until he is out of this race, I will continue to focus on Mr. Google Problem.

So suck it, Santorum. No matter how many primaries you place in, you're top billing will always be "the dude who's name when googled means 'the frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex.'"

Now enjoy this video from the Colbert Report about Santorum's racist slip of the tongue.

The Colbert Report
Get More: Colbert Report Full Episodes,Political Humor & Satire Blog,Video Archive

I Love Religious Nutjobs

Warren Jeffs, the polygamist leader of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, was sentenced to life in prison today. Jeffs had like 100 child-brides and gave them specific instructions on what to do with his wrinkly, old-man junk. If I had to blow him, I would have killed myself, so life in prison is pretty lax.

Like many of my posts, this has no real relevance, except for the fact that I love religious nutjobs, and want Mr. Jeffs to do an "And I'm a Mormon" commercial so bad I think my brain might bleed. Anyone up for a parody?!?

P.S. I know Mr. Jeffs does not represent all Mormons, and is a Fundy, but we've all heard Mitt Romney speak. Come on, even the sane ones are a little crazy.