Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Newt Gingrich is a Democrat

This shit is confusing.
I don't know if any of you have heard, but Newt "Reagan Fetish" Gingrich won the South Carolina Primary upsetting Mitt "Magic Underpants" Romney by 13 points.

This proves once and for all that the South is a land rooted in traditional family values. A place that upholds the sanctity of marriage and will not stand idly by while someone tries to make a mockery of this holy union.

Wait.

Hey South Carolina, did you hear that Newt Gingrich has fucked up so many sick women's lives that Susan G. Koman is thinking about naming a three-day walk-a-thon after him?

No.

Well, I know you had to hear that the day of the debate, his second wife, you know, the one he left after she was diagnosed with MS (not to be confused with the first wife he left while she had cancer) came out in the media saying that Mr. Gingrich propositioned her for an open marriage.

Cue shock, South Carolinians. 

Yep, Mr. Reagan-Republican himself asked his then-wife if she wouldn't mind sharing all of his big-headed lovin' with his congressional-aid/mistress, you know, the one he had been banging for the prior six years.

She of course said no, probably because she was eager to get out from under the weight of his humongous head. She also decided to give a tell-all interview in hopes to show what kind of man ol' Newt is.

Which is a philandering, adulterous, sexual deviant, who has made it a mission to devalue every one of his marriages by having tawdry affairs with other women.

This proves, once and for all, that Newt Gingrich is a Democrat. 

Because Republicans don't have extra-marital affairs. With Women.

Republicans have affairs with dudes they meet on Craigslist.

I'm looking at you, Mr. Santorum

10 comments:

Lost.in.Idaho said...

Newt served as Speaker under Bill Clinton.

Bill Clinton is a PIMP.

Newt is just trying to show the US that Republicans can be pimps too.

Shane Pilgrim said...

Once again, loving the obligatory Rick Santorum reference. I almost lost hope that it would be included, and then BAM! My faith was rewarded. I hope you include his name in your blog so many times that it becomes one of the top Google hits for "Santorum" (maybe even above poop lube!)

~Shane

Ally Gregory-Moore said...

You make an extremely valid point.

The Tsaritsa a.k.a. Alexandra Naughton said...

LOL, I like your logic! I'll bet Newt has a Grinder account up and running, with a headless pic as his default.

L-Kat said...

Michelle Bachman announced she is running for reelection in MN. I'm so thrilled. Also there should be a font titled "Sarcastic."

Melissa Pace said...

Sooo are you saying man-whoring is a less than awesome family value?

MonsteRawr said...

Hey, Mr Santorum was just lifting that guy's luggage. Or visa versa, I forget how that shit works.

Gia said...

Hahahah. YEP. Did you see the billboard that AshleyMadison (the cheaters website) took out "endorsing" him? It was in PA - google it, it's awesome.

Carrymel said...

You started off your blog post with the same sentence I always have when someone brings up politics: "This shit is confusing."

It actuality, it isn't, I just don't care to know about what's going on so I never bother to try and figure it out. I think using your blog as my personal update of which candidates to follow, is good enough for me :) lol

http://carrymel.blogspot.com

A Beer for the Shower said...

Zing! That had to have been the best thing I've read all week. Your logic is infallible!