Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Facebook Frenemies

Oh, Facebook.

I know I can't be the only person who gets on the social-networking site and immediately questions every life choice you've ever made if these are the people you consider "friends".

Real Facebook Status

Yep, these are the kind of people who make up my online network. And you guys wonder why I make coffee and talk about adult-baby fetishists.

But besides deleting every single person on my Facebook, there are some things I wish could be outlawed. 

For Example...
  • I wish I never had to see another girl quote Marilyn Monroe as their Facebook status. 

Ladies, I don't know if any of you have wikipedia'ed her, but it didn't turn out too well. Plus, basically anything she's ever said is going to make you look 100 percent batshit crazy.

  • I wish I never had to see another guy update their status with a "make me a sandwich" or "get in the kitchen" joke.

This isn't even a feminist thing, I'm mainly just worried about your virginity. Plus, if you get to tell me to "get in the kitchen" because I'm a female, I get to tell you go in your room and masturbate with tears because you're a World of Warcraft player.

  • I wish I never had to read another heartbroken status from an angsty preteen.

Best give up on love now. How do you feel about cats?

  • I wish I never had to have my feed clogged by that one person who posts sucky music videos.

Nickelback? Really? Defriend.

  • I wish I never had to see another politically-retarded person give their opinion on politics.

Oh... it's gotta go through Congress and shit. Hopefully they prevent the Obama-approved Holocaust. 

This list could go on and on, and while there is a part of me that wants to just deactivate my Facebook and call it a day, I just can't seem to go through with it.

Oh shit, Rick Santorum has 80,000 likes?

Fuck this shit!

Deactivate Account.


L-Kat said...

How about the serial commenters? The ones that comment every little detail of their life? Drives me crazy. "Hmmm...Big Mac or the Mac Wrap? Decisions, decisions." <----That was seriously a status I saw on the Newsfeed today. Or lame comments about the weather, "I wish it would snow." <---- I wish you'd keep your fucking lame opinions to yourself. I need a glass of wine. You have me all fired up about how silly FB can be. I'm going to update my status to say so.

Ally Gregory-Moore said...

What cracks me up about the most of the marilyn monroe quotes on facebook is that they aren't actually her quotes at all. Bitches need to check their facts.

Or have an original thought.

Lost.in.Idaho said...




Lorraine said...

I LOL'd at "it didn't end well for her." Word.

Now, excuse me. I just realized I haven't liked Rick Santorum yet.

We can still be friends, right? ;)


Pink Gingham Girl said...

Allie, this is one of the most hilarious posts I've ever read. LOVE. Don't ever defriend those people, they are far too entertaining.

Ach du lieber said...

Pink Gingham is right. Many of the people on my FB friend list are still there simply because of their entertainment value. Plus, the ability to unsubscribe to those that I simply can't stomach anymore has been a godsend.

I have deactivated many times, only to give in to the racing pulse, cold sweats, and nausea.

Facebook is a bitch of a lover.

MonsteRawr said...

What really, truly frightens me is when those politically-retarded comments belong to my family members. That's what keeps me up at night. But then I just Google "santorum" and I feel better.

Allie said...

L-Kat- I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels the need to drink because of Facebook. Damn you, Mark Zuckerburg!

Ally- Lol I always wonder about that. I really don't think Ms. Monroe said anything about the power of the blowjob, but I have a few ladies on my FB who would disagree.

Lost- I don't want to hide from all of the internet, mainly just people I went to school with.

Lor- Hmmm... We can only be friends if you like him ironically. Can you do that for me?

PGG- As much as I talk, I'll never defriend them because they make me feel too good about myself.

Ach- Yes!! God bless the ability to unsubscribe.

Monster- I'm in the same boat. Most of my family are stuck in the 1950s South.

Brett Minor said...

I have recently started using the unsubscribe feature. There are many people I added on Facebook because I know them, but I am not interested in hearing about every detail of their lives. Of course, people can use their accounts however they want to, but I can also define what goes on my wall. I think I am unsubscribed from about 65% of the people that are on my friends list. I never again have to endure their political ranting, pictures of their supper or my cousin who posts every YouTube video he ever watches.

Thank Q said...

The music videos are the worst to me. I can't stand someone who watches 29 videos and thumbnails of each and every one of them appear on my News Feed.

Shane Pilgrim said...

I agree wholeheartedly. I do my best to only update Facebook when I have something decent to contribute. I don't have many serial commenters, armchair activisits, or Nickelback fans on my account...but I do know a lot of people who post angsty teen statuses. Which is fun if the person in question is an angsty teen. But when you're 20-something and still moping about a lost love like a heartbroken 16-year-old, that's when I want to choke you to death with your own intestines.


Shane Pilgrim said...

^Previous comment should say fun instead of fine, but I guess either one works

Allie said...

Brett- I'm in the same boat. I am unsubscribed from the majority of my family.

ThankQ- It really is the most annoying thing ever, and it is always the shittiest of music videos.

Shane- LOL! Strangling people with their own intestines? I like the way you think, Mr. Pilgrim.