Thursday, October 6, 2011

Help! My Boyfriend Doesn't Want to Eat at my Lady Buffet

My boyfriend hates giving oral. He wants me to do it almost every time we have sex but won't return the favor, he says that it's different. He makes me feel extremely self-conscious, like something is wrong with me. But his ex-girlfriend happens to be my sister's best friend and I know that he gave her oral at least a couple times. He says it's not me, but what am I suppose to think? I'm clean, shaved and cute. What's the problem? 

Orally Deprived

Normally, Deprived I would tell you to break up with your boyfriend immediately. Hell, I would even make the phone call for you. However, things have changed ever since I've learned that our mutant vaginas are giving dudes the big C.

 Yep, researchers from Ohio State University are linking the influx of HPV-caused throat cancer in males to oral sex in a study from of the Journal of Clinical Oncology released Monday.

"An individual who has six or more lifetime partners — on
 whom they've performed oral sex – has an eightfold increase in risk compared to someone who has never performed oral sex."

- Dr. Maura Gillison of OSU.

Deprived, I'm going to assume that your boyfriend saw this study. Why else wouldn't he want to go down on you? I'm sure it has nothing to do with the years of misogynistic ideas that revolve around female genitalia. I mean, I think every single straight male was going home and literally drowning in his significant others nether regions until this study came out Monday.  

Basically, Deprived, the real question is: Why does Ohio State hate pussy so much? And well, that's just one question this unqualified advisor just can't answer. 

But there is good news, OD! Fellas who do get cancer from muff-diving have a 85-90 percent survival rate compared to guys with oral cancers not related to HPV. 

So, here's what I want you to do. Go home, sit your honey-muffin down and explain to him that while his fear is completely understandable, his survival rate is nearly guaranteed.

After that heart-to-heart, he should basically jump face-first into your lap. If not, I think it's time to find a new boyfriend who appreciates the lady buffet. And with the rise in cunnilingus-caused throat cancer, it seems like you'll have many a man to pick from! Enjoy!

Now, I'm off to get my HPV vaccine, and then give a donation to Planned Parenthood in Michele Bachmann's name. 


P.S. If after reading this, you think, "Wow, sex is really confusing." Write me at or on Twitter @AllieOopsie. You will remain anonymous!


epitaphforaheart said...


Oh Deprived, I would actually go with Allie's first instinct and tell him he's a selfish twat [!] because if you're going to be sucking soda, it's only fair that he be licking ice cream. Not that it should be about 'fairness' rather than full-out fun... but sex is also about give and take and it sounds like you're doing all the giving.

Question: Do you like going down on him or is it something you feel obliged to do? If it's the latter, well. I'd rethink things because he clearly doesn't feel the same way.

I'd encourage an honest chat with him about it- I'm sure he doesn't mean to make you feel as less awesome than you are, and he probably doesn't realise how it's making you feel. An honest discussion might help you both move forward.

p.s. Allie, regarding HPV vaccines- I'd do a fair bit of research around them before getting it. The organisation I work with [in repro/sexual health] has several reservations about the vaccines around safety, side-effects, and long-term impacts on a woman's reproductive health and ability. No conclusive studies either way, as yet, but wanted to raise that flag if you hadn't already done all your research and made up your mind :) x

Allie said...

Epitaph- You keep up with all this good, well-though out advice, I'm going to have to let you take over the reigns.

Just to be clear, I completely agree with all of the real advice you gave Deprived. However my instinct is leaning on the side of selfish rather than clueless. Hopefully that's not the case though.

And I don't actually believe I will be getting the vaccine. I'm right at the cut-off age. It was more of a dig at Mrs. Bachmann and her ridiculous comments about the vaccine. I'm with you. I think decisions should be made on a case-by-case basis and the woman or man should do their research.

Mattyp said...

I have the opposite problem. Being a male who gives head but never receives it in return. *sob*

Erin likes it hot. said...

Take a shower right before you want him to go down. Make sure you lift the layers and let the jets hit them.
Don't wear underwear to bed (ever) let it breathe.
Stop giving him head. Make him do it right or leave him.
He is not playing fair. Either you smell bad and he won't tell you or he doesn't see you as his equal. Even if you're into power games, your partner should always see you as an equal.
Also, the research seems bogus. I highly doubt they have isolated this factor well enough to test it.
Ironic twistie on your part but no one spreads lies about my lady parts!

Allie said...

Matty- Sob is right! What a monster!

Erin- I like it your straightforward approach to this. And I was taken aback by the study (and the fact that it's all I heard about for 2 days) but I guess we'll see what happens with the research.

Of course I'm making light of the scenario, but HPV is the most common STD. Hopefully this kind of study will deepen the conversation about safety and not the cultural stigma surrounding women and sex.

Shane Pilgrim said...

I don't buy into that research, either. So much of science is all guesswork...and I'm guessing these OSU researchers are all guys who just want an easy excuse out of their manly responsibilities.

Screw them. Deprived, slap that mother and make him go to town. You'll be glad you did.


Carrymel said...

Okay, I did NOT know about this study, but I think it's really just a hypothesis and nothing set in stone. This girl's boyfriend sounds lazy - he just doesn't want to do it and opts out this time. She needs to let him know what's what - a healthy relationship needs both partners to be sexually satisfied.

btw, there's an award for you on my blog!

Allie said...

Shane- Manly responsibilities... I like it! Changing tires, killing shit and going downtown.

Couldn't have said it better myself.

Carrymel- Thanks for the award!!!

And we will see I guess. Science is definitely fallible, but I thought this is interesting because there is an element of shame that this study promotes.

DirtyHooker said...

First, make sure you actually don't smell weird down there. If you don't have the flexibility to do this yourself, ask a really good friend who will never mention that incident again. Also consider your diet. Some chicks smell fine and taste weird, but you'll have to rely on his honesty for that, or get friends who love you more than most friends do.

If you're sure the problem isn't your cooch, tell lover-boy to get on down there, or stop giving him head. You clearly want it, and if he can't give it, you can accept that you're not getting it in return, or move on to someone who loves the muff.

Kayleigh said...

Funny, i have the opposite problem. I dont like him going down on me, and i dont like returning the favor.

At least now i can use the excuse that it can give him cancer and maybe he wont be interested anymore.

Does it work the other way around to? Too much dick in mouth may cause cancer? I would love to use that excuse as well.

Jason said...

That kills me when I hear about guys that don't do this. I mean fellas...isn't our jobs to make the ladies feel the best we possibly can during sex? I know that's my goal...hell, alot of times...going down is the first thing I do. Dump him...there are plenty that will go down for ya girl.

Allie said...

DirtyHooker- Wonderful advice! I think we all need a friend who is willing to smell our genitals. It's just necessary.

Kayleigh- I think there will soon be a study coming out of the University of My Apartment that will prove that too much dick in the mouth caused cancer.

Jason- Amen! I always go right for the dump him also. There's plenty of muff-diving fish in the sea.

Thank_Q said...

Throat cancer? OMG! Can a person not do anything these days without getting that disease?

Fred Miller said...

Death by pussy. Yeah, but what a way to go.

Anonymous said...

Ummm...You aren't saying the two words in every pussy lovers toolbox..
Saran Wrap...
a small amount stretched over a vag will transmit all tounge thrusts, licks, circles, and to and fro
motions, as well as sucking(GENTLY)
at the clit and still keep y'all safe
Just Saying...

Anonymous said...

Why so serious?? It's just throat cancer chill people!

Allie said...

Q- Nope. I think everything besides praying to baby Jesus will give you cancer.

Fred- That's the kind of enthusiasm us ladies need.

Anon 1- Well, since I don't eat pussy myself I do miss a few things. Saran Wrap duly noted.

Anon 2- I like your attitude. A lot!

Hannah said...

I love that people ask you these's fabulous.

Sharon Doroes said...

Mine was a short relationship, around 1 month old, before that we were friends and I have been happy being with him until the second he decided to leave. It was a case of ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ and I was caught totally off guard when that happened. It has been half a year since, I somewhat did the NC and now he does text/chat with me once in a while which is kinda good. However, it seems like I am always the one who initiate contact. I looking for a website with love spells that work fasts. I choose and I’m very satisfied. Boyfriend back to me and his depression is over.