Happy Halloween to the Future Cast of "16 and Pregnant"

Halloween is mere hours away and for any of you guys still searching for the perfect costume to get for the underage girl in your life, I've found a few options in the aisles of Target.

The "Little Girl Sold into Sex Trafficking" Costume

The "Stepdad's Tickle Party" Costume

The "No Sex in the Champagne Room, Unless You Got Some Blow" Costume

I learned after further inspection of the costumes that they're supposed to be something from a show called "Monster High," which is I'm pretty sure is kiddie porn. I'd Google it, but I have enough problems with authorities without adding sexual predator to the list.

Anyways, have a happy and sexually-gratutious Halloween. 

Help! My Boyfriend Wants Anal More Than a Republican Congressman

Dear Allie,

My boyfriend of about six months really wants to have anal sex with me. It's all he talks about. I want to make him happy, but I'm scared that it's going to hurt too bad, plus I'm concerned about the cleanliness stuff.

If I go through with it, what do I need to know? Are there any tips that will make it easier. Any advice would be appreciated!

Thanks,

Scared of Anal

Suck it, Ann Landers! Is anyone asking you how to successfully have tushie sex? 

Nope, I didn't think so.

Sure, this blog will ensure that I never get hired as anything other than a latte-maker or one of Nevada's legal hookers, but who cares, I'm doing the work of angels. 

Now, let's get this girl so comfortable with anal that she will be bent over like Roberto Arango at a Bachmann after-party.

Alright, SOA, there's a few things I want to ask before I give my tips on anal. First, do you want to do this or are you just doing it to appease your pain-in-the-ass boyfriend? If it's the latter, then I want you to think about actually going through with it. I think most sex acts, especially those we aren't initially comfortable with, should be done because of some personal desire to do it.

But for sake of giving advice, I'm going to assume that deep down you want to GET IT IN. So here's my advice for an anal-newbie.

1. RELAX. Seriously! Breathe. Don't tense up. And it might even help if you have a more traditional form of sex beforehand so your body is already in Go-Mode.
2. Lube. Water-based if you are using condoms and maybe something oil-based (because of the lasting factor) if you guys are condom-less. Remember to be safe. Tests done, etc.
3. Speed. Go slow until your comfortable and make sure you pass this morsel of advice on to your seemingly eager boyfriend. 
4. Call the shots. Come to the agreement that if you begin to feel overwhelmed you can stop the act. This veto power might make you feel in control enough to get through any inhibitions.
5. Cleanliness. A little gross I know, but try to have some type of movement before you partake in the act. If you're still feeling self-conscious, buy an enema and call it a day.

Other than that, it's up to you, SOA. You are the only person who knows your body and what you are comfortable with. Hopefully this helps! 

Now. Go. Perform an act that will make your father wake up in a cold sweat with a desire to buy a gun.

XOXO,

 Allie

P.S. If after reading this you think, "Hmm... is that a ingrown hair or herpes?" Write me at notreallyabarista@gmail.com or on Twitter @AllieOopsie. You will remain anonymous!

Dear GOP, Even Pat Robertson Thinks You're Batshit Crazy

Attention Republican presidential hopefuls: The old dude from the 700 Club, who believes homosexuality caused Hurricane Katrina, thinks you need to take it down a notch. 

Yep, the fella who believes Haiti had it coming and that feminists are really just witchcraft-practicing lesbians, said on his program that Republicans are going into extremes that will lose them the general election.

Holy shit. This completely logical piece of advice is coming from the man who undoubtedly beats off to the idea of Ann Coulter spitting on an illegal immigrant. 

Are you listening GOP? 

The gatekeeper of the Religious Right thinks that you guys are going to lose the general election if you don't adopt some more moderate positions. This is like Charles Manson telling someone that they might need to seek some therapy because they're acting a little nutty.

Does God, Jesus, and the freaking Holy Spirit need to come down to Earth, buy a Prius, slap a COEXIST sticker on that bad boy, and vote Democrat before you guys realize that you have isolated your party.

I don't know if this blog really has a point, but the fact that I agree with something Pat Robertson said makes me feel unclean. So I'm going to go take some birth control and masturbate to girl-on-girl porn.

Maybe it really is the end of days.

Help! I'm DTF a D-BAG

Hi Allie!

I just stumbled across your blog, courtesy of 20sb, and I'm in awe of your awesomeness.  Your blog is what my blog wants to be when it grows up.  

So, I have an actual boy dilemma and would love a snarky/ridiculous response:

A guy I'm interested in has made it clear that he wants to get down and dirty with me.  I'm totally into this, since I'm not looking for a boyfriend right now.  However, I think he might be hiding a somewhat serious girlfriend from me.  How do I find out the truth, and if he turns out to be a douche, how do I teach him a lesson?

Thanks,

The Other Woman

I'm hungover. 

How hungover you ask?

Really fucking hungover! Stop asking me questions my head hurts!

Anyways, since I'm in the delicate state that I am in, I'm going to make this short and sweet.


First, TOW, thanks for all the blogging love. I hope you still love me after I dispense some horrible advice your way.


As I read your letter, TOW, I couldn't help but wonder if you were Amish. I mean, that would be the only reason why I would guess that you couldn't just pop your cute, little tushie over to Facebook and check out your suitor's relationship status. If this fella is in a "serious relationship" that he is hiding from you, I'm going to assume he is not hiding it from his girlfriend. 


So go. Take a looksie. I'll wait.


Okay so when you went over to Zuckerberg-land did you see this.

No? Then leave this kid THE FUCK ALONE! Listen, I understand that sometimes it is tempting to get caught up in a scandalous, tawdry affair, but trust me, it won't be worth it. Unless, this guy is Bradley-fucking-Cooper with a tripod-like penis and can breathe through his ears, it won't be worth it. 

Because the following will happen: his girlfriend will find out and make it a mission to kill you. Why? Well, because it's a lot easier to get mad at the girl than your cheating bitch of a boyfriend. 

So let this one go, TOW. You obviously have great taste (you like me) and you will find a random dude to fuck who is on your level. 

And if you want to get back at him  use the same social-media site. Take an image-capture of one of his text propositioning down-and-dirty time and then tag that shit on Facebook. 

Girlfriend? What girlfriend?

I'm going to go change my relationship status to IN AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP now, because I want to get down and dirty with every last one of you.

XOXO,

 Allie

P.S. If after reading this you think, "Wow sex is really confusing!" Write me at notreallyabarista@gmail.com or on Twitter @AllieOopsie. You will remain anonymous!

GOP Debate CliffsNotes

I'm back. 

I fought off my Flu. Or West Nile. Or Scurvy. Whatever hell-born illness that kept me in my bed watching Toddlers and Tiaras while taking copious amounts of Robotussin. By the way, I had no idea that drinking a couple bottles of cough syrup makes you trip balls but apparently it does. So it's been a pretty good week.

Anyways, I'm back just in time for the eighth and not-even-slightly unnecessary GOP debate being held tonight in Las Vegas. Yep, our favorite gaggle of entitled tools are here for another round of talking about why they should be the leader of the free world. I wish I cared enough to watch it, but as I mentioned earlier, I may be addicted to drugs now, so that means my vote goes to Ron Paul.

But for my loyal readers who may not be as confident in their pick, I've decided to gather up some of my favorite #GOPdebate, #Tweetthepress, #CNNdebate tweets to give you guys an overview of the event without having to watch that awful fucking thing.

•  @RexHuppke: I love it when they use the term "illegals." It so racist-y without *officially* being racist! #tweetthepress 
• @addiestan: Apparently Republicans like science when it comes to nukes; not so much when it comes to climate change. And monkeys. 
• @sbellelauren: michele bachman is a closet duggar please RT #tweetthepress
• @aishatyler: If Bachmann doesn't get the nom she can always audition for Julie the Social Director on the remake of "The Love Boat." #CNNdebate
• @pattonoswalt: A Mormon just complimented a black man on his chutzpah. #GOPDebate
• @nationallampoon: Romney's missing a great opportunity to run on a Polygamy platform & get 100% of the male vote. #GOPDebate
• @youngsinick: Every time I look at Rick Santorum I think, "So this is what Ted Haggard as a politician looks like?"
• @AdamWearsPants: I'm trying to picture Jesus telling the poor and unemployed to suck it. #TweetThePress
• @TheDweck: The weak performances of Rick Perry & Herman Cain at this debate are proof that Mitt Romney's magic underpants really do work #tweetthepress

Don't you feel informed now? Feel free to thank me with bottles of Robotussin. 

Delay of Game

I'm still sick. 

How sick you ask?

Well, my sinuses are expelling more fluid than Marcus Bachmann at a nude, all-male revival of A Streetcar Named Desire.

So I've decided to skip this week's Thursday advice blog, mainly because I'm so high on various medications that I'm likely to encourage a reader to head down to Tijuana and take part in a "donkey show" as an alternative to banging her sexually-retarded lover. And since bestiality will never be the answer, I'm sitting this one out.

But because I can't just leave you crazy kids High and Dry, here's a link to Dan Savage's (my gay-husband/person who has no fucking clue who I am) advice column. Enjoy.

I'm off to Tijuana. Olé, y'all!

The Holy Grail of Closet Cases

Usually I dedicate Tuesdays to something I love in the news. It just so happens that my first love will always be when a homophobic politician ends up with a cock in the mouth.

Unfortunately, I'm sick and just can't find the energy to dig up something scandalous, so I decided to give my beloved readers a powerful tool.

Enter: GayHomophobe.com

This website gives a running countdown of "homophobic-but-queer politicians" or other prominent bigots who get caught in a sex scandal. It's a fun read, and all the proceeds from the website go to Truth Wins Out.

I'm going to go take some Nyquil and try to give myself a bikini wax. I'll let you guys know how it goes.