Wednesday, July 18, 2012

TLC Presents: More Spastic 35-Year-Old Virgins.

TLC's train wreck, better known as The Virgin Diaries, is back and ready for action. Unless that action involves anything past first base, then it will be back and ready for a cold shower and a Harry Potter marathon!

Season 2 of the show that made us all feel a little bit better about ourselves, premieres tonight. But before diving into the new crop of hymenally-sealed misfits, lets take a little trip down memory lane.

Butterfly kiss? Stroke? The world may never know.
To be fair, this is her first kiss that didn't involve
peanut butter and a labrador.

Then he unhinged his jaw and devoured
her whole.
Beautiful, isn't it? You're going to have to do a lot to top that, TLC.

Wait, there's a 34-year-old Mormon who lives in his parents' basement, shaves his chest hair into a heart, and collects belly button lint.

I'm listening...

If that man hasn't killed at least one vagrant, I'll take his virginity. 

Oh TLC, what have you done? You're supposed to be The Learning Channel. The only thing I learned from this is that I wouldn't want to meet Skippy in a dark alley. 

At least your first bunch of weirdos were likable. That guy is just sad. And terrifying. TLC, please make sure you don't leave any of the little girls from Toddlers and Tiaras unattended with him. 

Oh who am I kidding, those girls would never fuck him. 

If there's any silver lining here, it's that this creepy Mormon definitely botched Mitt Romney's presidential run. So for that, Skippy, I thank you. Not enough to come anywhere near you, but I'm thankful nonetheless.

Anyway, season 2 of The Virgin Diaries is on TLC at 10 p.m. EST. I'll be watching and tweeting.


HeatherRose said...

Really, though, if I could carry my hair straightener with me everywhere, I'd always look a lot more put together...

MonsteRawr said...

Not only would I not fuck that guy with a hooker's dick, but he actually made my vagina dry up. I don't think I'm going to be able to have sex with my husband for the rest of the week because every time I take my pants off my vagina's going to be like, "NO! IT'S HIM! IT'S THAT CREEPY GUY WHO LET HIS GIRLFRIEND LICK HIM!"

Britt said...

You just got me sucked into that SO HARD. I don't get TLC at home, but you can bet your ass I'm going to be streaming that shit.


Killer Cupcake said...

Oh God...

I can't bring myself to watch. But on the other hand, if it stops Romney in his tracks...

Every cloud, yes?

Banana Stickers said...

I've never heard of this show (I live under a rock, you see..) so I had to google it. I was so happy to see that "Skippy" is his actual name. And that he has heart-shaped chest hair.
I must see this show.

Allie said...

Heather- But could anyone ever look as put together as Skippy? Probably not.

MonsteRawr- Agreed. I wanted to reclaim my virginity after watching that creepy S.O.B.

Britt- You are welcome, my dear! You are going to feel great about yourself.

Cupcake- Fingers crossed! I'll be broken-hearted if Skippy is not in a Romney attack ad.

Banana- It is horrible and amazing all at the same time! Go forth and watch obsessively!

Sharon Neilson said...

what Britt said.

L-Kat said...

I don't have cable, so I never get to watch TLC (which is a good thing, because that is all I would do and then I would be blaming TLC not Mark Zuckerberg for my fat ass), but I was in the hotel room in Phoenix when Virgin Diaries was on. Right after the Toddlers and Tiaras marathon. I was so pumped....get my stupid tv fix before heading out for dinner and drinks. But then my room mate CHANGED THE FUCKING channel!!! I don't know her that well, and my anxiety causes me to overthink things, and my overthinking led me to believe she would think I'm weird if I begged her to change it back to TLC. Plus she's younger than me and I'm supposed to be a sort of role model for her (HA!). Anyway, I didn't get to watch, but I was stalking all you people on Twitter that were tweeting away.