Tuesday, July 31, 2012

The Post Where I Chastise Kristen Stewart for Being a Godless Philanderer.

Holy mother of God, tell me it's not true. This horror of all horrors cannot be happening. What kind of times are we living in?

K-Stew and R-Patz are breaking up.

NO! Take me now, Mayan calendar prophecy. I don't want to live in a world where the two leading actors from the Twilight franchise can't make a relationship work.

Because of infidelity, nonetheless.

And it's all that cheating whore Kristen Stewart's fault. Did your vampire wedding vows mean nothing to you, dead eyes?

Don't you know what a good thing you had going. You were in a LTR with Edward mother-fucking Cullen. Or at least the actor, that Hollywood has convinced me is wildly attractive when in all actuality he sorta looks like he's homeless, that plays Edward Cullen.

You're never going to do better than him, KRISTEN!

And to top it all off, the man (Snow White and the Huntsman director Rupert Sanders) you were canoodling with is MARRIED and has CHILDREN!

Stephanie Meyers' mormon ass is losing it right now, probably drinking wine coolers and saying things like "Gosh darn that harlot."

You were supposed to uphold the sanctity of teen vampire marriage. How am I supposed to enjoy the final installment of the Twilight Saga, Breaking Dawn: Part II, knowing that you have been unfaithful to your blood-drinking soulmate.

And Renesmee. Oh God, I just remembered Renesmee.

Thanks a lot, Kristen Stewart. You've ruined my life. All I can say now is keep your slutty paws off of the Fifty Shades of Grey script. I can't have you sullying the semi-abusive relationship between Christian and Ana.

Now I have to go update my voter registration. Do you see what you did, Kristen? You're forcing me to care about something other than the lives of two 20-something celebrities.

And for that, you can go fuck yourself.


Cisca said...

R-Patz can certainly do better than her LOL!

Ally Gregory-Moore said...

This was perfect. I seriously laughed so hard.

Sarcastic Ninja said...

This was an amazing post.

I guess it's a good thing that the vampire transformation doesn't happen til after they're married, or else RP would have had to look at his cheating ex for ALL ETERNITY until he finally SNAPS and there would be a MASSIVE VAMPIRE BLOODBATH. Wait, actually that might be entertaining.

L-Kat said...

I second Ally. Love this post.

Nikki Jo said...

I loathe her. Not for cheating on Robert Pattinson (yuck, sorry!) but for being as awkward as I am, and getting paid a shitload of money for it.

Allie said...

Cisca- Totally! I'm hoping he throws us all for a loop and starts banging he werewolf.

Ally and L-Kat- Thanks, guys! It really is a laughable situation.

Sarcastic Ninja- I think someone is onto some pretty amazing fan fiction!

Nikki Jo- No need to be sorry, he looks like a vagrant. And I completely agree, she's basically paid to be twitchy and look at her feet.

Faith said...

I laughed SO HARD. I started reading the first line of this post to my husband, and then was like "oh just one more thing!" And then had to give in and just have him read the whole thing. Well put. :D

Allie said...

Thanks, Faith! I love to hear when people force my ramblings on their significant others.

Ginny said...

They were suppose to be together FOREVER. What happens in vampire divorce court?

MonsteRawr said...

I'm still just amazed that emotional vegetable managed to find TWO men who find her attractive.

Jessica said...

This just made my night. Thanks.

Cherie said...

I know! The NERVE! Also, R. Patz is teh sexiest... Teen Vogue told me so.

Jennifer said...

This was great, hahaha.