Holy mother of God, tell me it's not true. This horror of all horrors cannot be happening. What kind of times are we living in?
K-Stew and R-Patz are breaking up.
NO! Take me now, Mayan calendar prophecy. I don't want to live in a world where the two leading actors from the Twilight franchise can't make a relationship work.
Because of infidelity, nonetheless.
And it's all that cheating whore Kristen Stewart's fault. Did your vampire wedding vows mean nothing to you, dead eyes?
Don't you know what a good thing you had going. You were in a LTR with Edward mother-fucking Cullen. Or at least the actor, that Hollywood has convinced me is wildly attractive when in all actuality he sorta looks like he's homeless, that plays Edward Cullen.
You're never going to do better than him, KRISTEN!
And to top it all off, the man (Snow White and the Huntsman director Rupert Sanders) you were canoodling with is MARRIED and has CHILDREN!
Stephanie Meyers' mormon ass is losing it right now, probably drinking wine coolers and saying things like "Gosh darn that harlot."
You were supposed to uphold the sanctity of teen vampire marriage. How am I supposed to enjoy the final installment of the Twilight Saga, Breaking Dawn: Part II, knowing that you have been unfaithful to your blood-drinking soulmate.
And Renesmee. Oh God, I just remembered Renesmee.
Thanks a lot, Kristen Stewart. You've ruined my life. All I can say now is keep your slutty paws off of the Fifty Shades of Grey script. I can't have you sullying the semi-abusive relationship between Christian and Ana.
Now I have to go update my voter registration. Do you see what you did, Kristen? You're forcing me to care about something other than the lives of two 20-something celebrities.
And for that, you can go fuck yourself.