Tuesday, July 24, 2012

My Ass Hurts. And I Blame Mark Zuckerberg.

I like to live in denial.

Maybe you figured that out after reading the name of this blog. If so, good job. You obviously have keen observation skills. You probably don't live in denial.

But me--I'm a long-term resident.

I'm not really a barista. I don't really have student loans that I've deferred more times than I care to count. I don't really have a drinking problem.

And my favorite: My ass hasn't grown at all since high school.

Denial was my friend but not anymore.

I blame Facebook. And Mark Zuckerberg by proxy. (You hear that, Zuckerberg? Go fuck yourself!)

Facebook has an abundance of amateur photographers. And these people can tag you in photos. Most of which leaves you questioning when you started to look like Charlize Thereon in Monster. Or who your friends are. Or if that Wiccan shit you tried as a Freshman would actually work.

Basically, I realized I'm horribly vain. And now my gym membership is actually getting used. And my ass hurts, because I guess there's actually muscle in there and not jelly as Beyonce had led me to believe. (She may also be on my list.)

I don't think this post has any real relevance. I mainly just want to drink a bottle of wine and eat one of those tacos made out of Doritos.

But I won't. And that my friends, is called willpower.

Suck on that, Zuckerberg.


HeatherRose said...

Jenny Craig and I became friends for a while after someone tagged a FB photo of me that looked like someone had photoshopped the arms of Gwyneth Paltrow's alter-ego in Shallow Hal onto my body.

Killer Cupcake said...


I have photo tagging turned off on my fb because of the very real fear that a photo will be plastered on my wall and everyone will know that the pictures I post of myself are very well chosen due to angle, lighting, and photo-shopping off of all the fat parts.

A few years ago someone tagged me in a pic in which I'm sitting down, hunched over like I have a giant hump on my back, and shoving a huge-ass bite of waffle into my mouth. I look like I have six chins and no self control.

It was devastating.


Chooplah said...

a-fucking-men. I can terrifyingly identify with this...picture tagged photos of you at a wedding after 6 whisker/gingers, dancing to "Low" on the fourth "low." You don't want to see it.


MonsteRawr said...

What's even worse is when you HAVE been running and biking and working your ass off and your "best friend" still manages to tag you in a picture that because of the way your jacket was draped over your shoulders makes you look like you're wider than a dump truck. Because if I'm going to look like a wide load, I should at least get the joy have having packed away some Cheesy Gordita Crunches to get there.