Thursday, June 14, 2012

A Former Whore from Facebook Helps me Inspire my Spouse

For everyone who doesn't know, I love Facebook (you should follow me there, btw). I love my Hannity-obsessed relatives. I love my white-trash classmates. I love the University of Phoenix ads.

And maybe more than anything else, I love the super-whores who somehow through their whoring journey, found the Lord and now they are really excited to share the news with everyone.


Recently, one of these ladies posted a link to an advice article, and since I love giving advice I thought I would share the highlights with all of you. Read the full article HERE.

50 Ways to Inspire Your Husband

1. Initiate Great Sex. 
Vaginal and missionary only.
Good girls don't get on top.

3. Give Him One Night to do Something He Loves. 
Like meth and dudes on Craigslist.
Remember Ted Haggard?

5. Ask Him About His Bucket List.
Yeah, I'm not doing that.

8. Text Him. Reminder: I Believe in You.
I did this. He texted back, 
"Are you stoned?"

9. Make Sure He Feels Respected By You.
So "fucktard" probably isn't a 
great pet name, huh?

17. Initiate Great Sex.
Again? Have you been reading 
"50 Shades of Grey"?

20. Post on His Facebook Wall: "I Love Being Your
 Wife. See me Tonight Regarding This."
Jesus! What if his Nana
 is on Facebook?

21. Gently Communicate with Him About what you Like in Bed, and 
Respond Encouragingly To his Attempts.
IT'S CALLED A CLITORIS! HAVE 
YOU FUCKING HEARD OF IT?

34. Do Something From his To-Do List for Him -- Something
 he'd Rather Have you do Anyway.
Jack off. 
Check!

36. Create a Cheerful Atmosphere when he Comes Home.
Does crying uncontrollably while watching
"The Notebook" count?

38. Discover His Love Language and Become even 
More Fluent in it?
I think it's gonna involve his penis!!

41. Organize or Clean Something in your Home that
 you Know he Finds Messy.
Seriously?
 I need a drink.

44. Initiate Great Sex.
Show me on the doll where your
Stepdad touched you.

And last but not least...

50. If and when he Messes up, Respond with the Kind of
 Grace, Compassion, and Mercy that God gives us. Respond
 in a Way that Communicates, "You're Safe with me -- 
and I'm Not Going to Rehash Your Failures.
This is a Secure Place for you to Grow...
and I Love the Journey with You."
You have to be fucking kidding me? 
Did you really say "if and when"? Who the hell are you married to?
Also, I'm gonna rehash the shit out of your failures. 


Well guys, I think we just stepped into Rick Santorum's America. Thanks former whore from Facebook. I will take these tips into consideration, or I'll put a bullet in my mouth.

Now I'm off to initiate great sex with my boyfriend and then when he does something right, let him know I'm proud of him and respect his authority.

5 comments:

MonsteRawr said...

It made me laugh uncontrollably to read your asides. Then it made me cry to know that not only is there someone out there who wrote those tips sincerely believing it to be good advice, but there's someone out there who read those tips and thought, "So THAT's what's wrong with my marriage!"

I also like how all of those tips are sound like they're written for a woman who's sitting at home during the day while her man is at work. Because a real wife's only job is pleasing her husband.

GurlNxtDoor said...

Holy. Shit.
This was hilarious!! I had to stop reading halway down the list to go look at the article to see if it was actually written by a man. I was depressed to find out it was not.
I ALSO know lots of whores on FB who are now all god-fearin' and junk. Well, good for them...
Now excuse me while I go have sex with my boyfriend before we design our de-stress date night: we call it pizza and sleeping.

ArtsySisters said...

Love your blog! Just gave you a blog award! Click on http://trueartsysisters.blogspot.com/ to claim your award and for more details! This should be fun!

Allie said...

MonsteRawr- I read the comments on this article, and I think you're right, these women have nothing better to do.

GurlNxtDoor- That de-stress night sounds wonderful! You should write an article!!

ArtsySisters- Thank you so much!!!

Cherie said...

Haha this is great. I love stumbling upon such gems.