Friday, June 22, 2012

Help! My Hymen is Growing Back


I have not had relations in over 4 years. This was all fine until my sex-crazed roommate focused all of her energy talking about sex and how she's not having any and shes going nuts. Now it is all I can think about and I'm climbing the walls.

My vagina needs some lovins. Without meeting some crazies on Plenty of (dirty) Fish who will inevitably carry some disease, how do I go about finding a mate (long term or otherwise)?

Side note... I have only had 2 partners. The first was really bad. The second was a virgin. I'm afraid I won't know what to do if I do ever get in between the sheets with a man. Your sexpertise is greatly appreciated.

Desolate in DC

I'm back, y'all!

It's been a long time since I've doled out any unqualified sex advice. And to be honest, I've missed it. There's a certain level of shame that comes from writing about blowjobs on the Internet, that a girl just can't get anywhere else.

It feels like home.

But moving on, I want to thank you DESOLATE for ending my dry spell. Now, let's see if we can't do the same for you. But first, a little tough love is in order.

Four years, DESOLATE? Really?

Your vagina could have graduated college. She could have served one term as president. She could have trained for the Olympics. She could be winning a fucking gold medal for an inspiring rhythmic gymnastic routine with all the time she's had on her figurative hands. 

That's not good, DESOLATE. Your vagina is pissed. But I'm here to help.

So first things first--and this is for my male readers--can you bang your roommate? If so, please send video. But if scissor-sistering your roommate is not an option, then I think you might want to reconsider taking a dip in the online dating pool.

Listen, I applaud you for not jumping on Plenty of (disease-ridden) Fish and screwing the first guy who messages you, but I don't think that a website with a bad reputation should discredit all the benefits that online dating has to offer someone. Especially someone who may be lacking in the experience department.

Let me explain, online dating allows you to be non-committal. You can view some profiles, send some messages, and slowly open yourself up to possibilities of dating and/or banging new people. 

Plus sometimes it's easier to be honest when you're not face-to-face with a stranger. For example--it may be difficult to say, "I've only been with a couple of dudes and haven't had a good boning in about four years" on a first date. 

Although, I think once you become reacquainted with the dating world, you should take your newfound skills and practice them in real life. Because that's the thing about dating, you can meet people anywhere, so you have to make sure you are open to the possibilities. 

So flirt with that hot guy at Starbucks. Or message a former crush on Facebook. Dating and sex involves putting yourself out there, whether that be on POF or at the bar down your street.

And finally, about being afraid of your sexual performance once you do become intimate with someone, I suggest two things.

1. Get to know your body sexually. Learn what you like. What you don't like. That way it will not be a blind-leading-the-blind situation the next time you do the no-pants dance with someone.

2. Communicate! This is important. Let the person you're with know you're inexperienced. Don't be ashamed. Own it. And then continue to communicate and encourage your partner to do the same. If you can take your clothes off with someone, you should be able to have a chat with them about your needs.

Now go! You've got four years of apologizing to do.

You're gonna be busy.


P.S. If after reading this you think, "I'd like to have sex with Desolate in DC" then write to me at Or message me on Twitter @AllieOopsie. You will remain anonymous!


Shaneiferd said...

For someone who dishes out "unqualified sex advice" you always tend to hit the nail right on the head (puns fully intended). Very good point about communication. Desolate, talking with your partner is the cornerstone of everything...whether you're bang-buddies or whether you're married. Don't be afraid to put yourself out there. Get back up on that horse and ride! (Pun intended once more)

Allie said...

Thanks Shane! One of these days I plan on fucking up horribly and sending someone to a donkey show or something!

L-Kat said...

I think my vagina would have up and walked away if I abandoned it for four years.

Allie said...

L-Kat- Agreed! My vagina would have thrown a fit. I assume it would have been pretty weird.

Desolate in DC said...

Allie! I never thanked you personally for your advice (though I did thank my roommate for submitting my embarrassing dilemma to you!), but I did want to give you an update that I have successfully ended my four-and-a-half-year dry spell with great cheer and fun, and--most of all--a partner who can empathize with my inexperience and have a great time together. In short: thanks, Not-A-Barista, your unqualified sex advice is well-qualified for me!