Monday, June 4, 2012

Not a Zombie. Maybe a Barista.

By now I'm sure every person with access to the internet has heard about the "Miami Cannibal" story. If you were living under a rock last week, click HERE to catch up.

Geeks everywhere were ecstatic.

"We were right!" they screamed."The zombie apocalypse is near and only those of us who have prepared will survive. Once we defeat the undead, we'll be forced to repopulate the planet. So long virginity!"

Unfortunately, for those counting down the days 'til zombie warfare, I've got bad news for you.

The Miami Cannibal wasn't a zombie.

I don't even think he was a real cannibal.

You know what he was, he was pissed-off customer service worker.

Now I can't say that for a fact, but personally I've thought about ripping someone's face off after a bad day at work.

Honestly, that's pretty tame. I won't write the worst thing I've thought about doing to some redneck with hairy eyelids after he asks if I'm retarded.

I don't need a paper trail in case some shit goes down one day.

So the moral of this horrifying story is be nice to your baristas, because they might eat your face off.

Oh, and don't come to Florida. It's getting pretty cray down here, y'all.


Elle said...

I am so glad I didn't read this post (and the linked article, and click through all the other morbid and gross internet search results) at bed time, or whilst I was eating... *shudders* xo

Allie said...

I completely understand. I was pretty freaked out when I first read the stories (and looked at the pics btw... DON'T DO IT!)

L-Kat said...

There are actual pictures?!? I've been avoiding poking around too much for fear of seeing the man's eaten face. What kind of crazy shit is going on down there??

Allie said...

Yeah, dude, there are pictures. I wouldn't suggest them if you don't have a strong stomach.

And it's just Florida. The alligators and heat make people batshit crazy.

Christine Elizabeth said...

You've GOT to check out the thing on Google Maps. I think if you search "Zombie Instances" or something it will show you where theyve happened on the map. It's excellent :)

the Tsaritsa said...

Florida has always been pretty cray. Yeah, not going there anytime soon... Had no idea the dude was a customer service rep, but makes sense.

Allie said...

Christine- That is amazing!!! Will be doing that immediately.

Tsaritsa- You're right, Florida has always lacked good judgement.

And if anything was going to drive you to cannibalism it would be working as a customer service rep.

MonsteRawr said...

Besides, everyone knows that real zombies eat brains, not faces. Duh.

Allie said...

MonsteRawr- LOL love you!

Shaneiferd said...

I think the Florida zombie thing reached its crescendo long ago. Every time I log into Facebook there is a new zombie picture that screams FLORIDA in big letters. It was drugs, people. Not zombies. Learn to chill out. I feel no sympathy for the guy that took the bath salts and went crazy, but I do feel sympathy for the unsuspecting man who was attacked.

I looked up the pictures. Wow. Nightmare fuel...listen to Allie, readers. Don't do it!