Fifty Shades of Black and Blue

Let me preface this post by saying that I haven't read Fifty Shades of Grey, nor do I really have any intention to--if I wanted an emotionally-damaged momma's boy to slap me around, I'd go to a Young Republican's meeting and wait--but that will not prevent me from making broad-sweeping generalizations about the book and its fanatical readers starting ... now.

What in the fuck, ladies? Are we really letting some bitch who wrote Twilight fan-fiction talk us into getting banged by a golf club while hog-tied? (I told you I didn't read it).

Now anyone who has read my blog for any period of time knows that I encourage the proud flying of the freakiest of flags, but the last thing we need is another impossible clit-lit dreamboat, with a slight character flaw (childhood abuse/wants to drain your blood), who will conquer his demons if the virginal leading lady just loves him enough.

Oh. Fucking. Please. Even I want to take away reproductive rights after hearing this shit.

It's not that I have anything against a cheap piece of erotica, personally I enjoy the '90s classic--Pretty Woman, but when I hear that a recent divorcee is scouring dating sites eager to be bound and gagged by a stranger/soulmate after reading this book cover to cover, I get a little nervous.

The divorcee I speak of is a friend. Recently separated from a cheating man who couldn't have found her clitoris with a GPS and a searchlight, she submerged herself in the Grey Trilogy to take her mind off things. The leading man was so hot. The sex so hot. She became convinced that this BDSM shit was something she needed to try out.

Only with no partner in sight, she turned to the Internet, Plenty of Fish to be precise, looking for a fish who would make her its bitch--it also wouldn't hurt if this fish was wildly attractive, insanely wealthy, and loved to cuddle.

However, she soon became aware that Christian Grey is a fictional character and that guys who agree to tie you up on the Internet, usually want to do so to steal your purse so they can buy bath salts.

I know this scenario is mighty stupid, and my friend is probably as naive as they come, but as Grey-inspired memes flood my Facebook wall and hardware stores sell out of rope, I wonder if my friend is not alone. Are women partaking in risky sexual behavior after reading Fifty Shades of Grey, the same way teenage girls began lapping up their own blood after devouring The Twilight Saga?

I want to believe this is not the case, that my ladies are smart and know that any kink you're unfamiliar with (or that could leave a bruise) should be experimented with slowly and with a trusted sexual partner.

Or Chris Brown. Chris Brown will gladly beat the fuck out of you too.