Thursday, June 7, 2012

Fifty Shades of Black and Blue

Let me preface this post by saying that I haven't read Fifty Shades of Grey, nor do I really have any intention to--if I wanted an emotionally-damaged momma's boy to slap me around, I'd go to a Young Republican's meeting and wait--but that will not prevent me from making broad-sweeping generalizations about the book and its fanatical readers starting ... now.

What in the fuck, ladies? Are we really letting some bitch who wrote Twilight fan-fiction talk us into getting banged by a golf club while hog-tied? (I told you I didn't read it).

Now anyone who has read my blog for any period of time knows that I encourage the proud flying of the freakiest of flags, but the last thing we need is another impossible clit-lit dreamboat, with a slight character flaw (childhood abuse/wants to drain your blood), who will conquer his demons if the virginal leading lady just loves him enough.

Oh. Fucking. Please. Even I want to take away reproductive rights after hearing this shit.

It's not that I have anything against a cheap piece of erotica, personally I enjoy the '90s classic--Pretty Woman, but when I hear that a recent divorcee is scouring dating sites eager to be bound and gagged by a stranger/soulmate after reading this book cover to cover, I get a little nervous.

The divorcee I speak of is a friend. Recently separated from a cheating man who couldn't have found her clitoris with a GPS and a searchlight, she submerged herself in the Grey Trilogy to take her mind off things. The leading man was so hot. The sex so hot. She became convinced that this BDSM shit was something she needed to try out.

Only with no partner in sight, she turned to the Internet, Plenty of Fish to be precise, looking for a fish who would make her its bitch--it also wouldn't hurt if this fish was wildly attractive, insanely wealthy, and loved to cuddle.

However, she soon became aware that Christian Grey is a fictional character and that guys who agree to tie you up on the Internet, usually want to do so to steal your purse so they can buy bath salts.

I know this scenario is mighty stupid, and my friend is probably as naive as they come, but as Grey-inspired memes flood my Facebook wall and hardware stores sell out of rope, I wonder if my friend is not alone. Are women partaking in risky sexual behavior after reading Fifty Shades of Grey, the same way teenage girls began lapping up their own blood after devouring The Twilight Saga?

I want to believe this is not the case, that my ladies are smart and know that any kink you're unfamiliar with (or that could leave a bruise) should be experimented with slowly and with a trusted sexual partner.

Or Chris Brown. Chris Brown will gladly beat the fuck out of you too.

14 comments:

LatteJunkie said...

Do you think it's coincidence that Chris Gray and Chris Brown are so close??

I haven't read it but if I did, I hope to god I remember it's pretend... Pretty much like all fiction books are :D

Allie said...

Ahhh! I didn't even think of that, but there's NO WAY that's a coincidence.

Cerebral Milkshake said...

BDSM becoming a trend? Booo. It's not as fun if it's less taboo.
Er, well okay, nothing can take the fun out of a sexily hogtied slap fest, BUT c'mon. (wait, so the Twilight chick wrote said book? I thought she was Jehovas Witness and they frowned at that kind of stuff).

Allie said...

True story! I don't know how I feel about BDSM becoming trendy.

And it wasn't the ACTUAL Twilight chick, it was a super fan who wrote Twilight fan fiction, which became Fifty Shades of Grey.

Brandon Lostinidaho said...

This book is going to make an entire generation of kids really confused about sex.

Guys, it's not ok to beat the shit out of your girl unless you talk about it first (AND she consents).

Ladies, your cherry-popping isn't going to be the night of 1,000 orgasms, and rich guys like trophy wives, not plain janes. So start throwing up after meals and go bleach your hair blonde...

do_it_ajen said...

Ditto!!!!!!!!!!!!

GurlNxtDoor said...

LOL! This cracked me up! I think you would enjoy www.snarksquad.com for a play-by-play of snarky 50 shades commentary.

ArtsySisters said...

This post cracked me up so! Lovely blog here... checking in from 20sb!

Allie said...

Brandon- Lol So true! And how did I forget to mention the night of 1000 orgasms?!

Gurl- Thanks! I'll definitely have to be checking out snarksquad!

ArtsySisters- Thanks so much!!!

Shaneiferd said...

Wait, 1,000 orgasms? Really? Is that trilogy this unrealistic, or is that an exaggeration?

Either way, screw Fifty Shades of Grey. I was so disgusted when I found out that Twilight fan-fiction became the new Twilight, just with different characters, less glitter, and an adult twist. Honestly, I think it's all about repression. Most people in this country (and probably the world) will never let their freak flag fly...so as soon as something like this comes along, no matter how trashy or poorly written, they live vicariously through its pages because it brings their desires to the surface. Psychology 101. Craziness 102.

MonsteRawr said...

Jesus christ. Yes, trolling the internet for a BDSM partner because you read about it in a fiction book is totally a smart thing to do. Because there haven't been at least 43 CSI/Crimminal Minds episodes about this EXACT same thing that all end with your grandparents having to attend a very awkward funeral.

Shit, people are dumb.

Elle said...

So now you make me want to read it...well done *searches amazon*

I do not endorse tying up of anything... unless it is a gate that won't stay latched to the post and bangs around on windy nights...

Love Elle xo

Anonymous said...

Ive read the books and i take it as what it is Entertainment!!! Hubby and i play with bondage some and i can say anything we do we talk about before hand,,,,, the characters in the book do the same!!

Anonymous said...

this book is sooo.... "twilighty" i cant help thinking if Edward wasn't a vampire this would have been the story..... I totally agree with your blog!!!