Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Maybe Child Abuse Isn't that Bad After All

It appears that a Rush Limbaugh/Ann Coulter/Glenn Beck gangbang spawned some sort of evil, bigoted lovechild about 14 years ago.

His name is Caiden Cowger. He "hosts" a show on YouTube, and is a real asshole. Don't believe me? Watch this video.

Thanks for the insights, Caiden. That's a super-straight name, by the way. I'll get back to you in just a sec.

As you can imagine, Caiden angered a lot of people with his opinions on homosexuality and the president, but the West-Virginia (suprising, right?) teen refused to back down. He has even created a new Youtube channel and is ready to spew more teenage-angst into the interwebs.

So, Caiden, I hear you have a problem with the gays. You think it's a choice. You think it's perverted. You think all your middle school homies are now sucking dick ever since Lady Gaga and the president came out in support of marriage equality. 

Man, that sounds tough. It's really hard to be 14, huh? I mean you have all of these opinions, but no one will listen to you.

But you want to know what's worse than that, Caiden?

Some 14-year-old punk having an opinion about fucking ANYTHING. I don't even want to have to sit next to a teenager at the movies, much less hear one pretend that he has any clue about the complexities of human sexuality.

And that's fine, at 14 you're not supposed to have concrete beliefs, because you haven't really been out in the world yet. I'm 26, and I'm still learning new things everyday. 

Caiden, I know I'm being hard on you. But you're obviously a precocious kid, and one day when you leave bumfuck West Virginia, you'll realize the ideas that have been shoved down your throat by the adults in your life may not be true. 

For example:

President Obama is not turning kids gay.

Homosexuality is not a choice.

Rush Limbaugh is not a role model.

Now if you've listened to nothing I've said thus far, listen to this. Recently a study published in The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that homophobia may be a result of repressed homosexual desire.

You know what that means, Caiden? 

That a lot of the people who talk about how wrong it is to be gay, end up being gay.

Sound familiar?


LatteJunkie said...

I haven't watched it yet as Mr4 and impressionable is around. But I must agree from my 33 years experience - the biggest homophobes are the biggest homos...

I feel for this kid. He has been so indoctrinated it's just sad!

Ginny said...

That's just sad and scary. Shouldn't he be playing Pokemon or something?

MonsteRawr said...

Holy melted monkey shits, where's the child-mauling bears when you need them?

The thing is, somehow this kid just makes me sad. The blonde Nazi twins who sang songs about killing Jews were funny. This kid is just sad.

camerabanger said...

What kind of person needs a 14 year old to validate his/her beliefs? It is troubling enough to watch a 50 year old with these kinds of opinions-at least many of them have language skills and sound coherent (not logical but coherent!). This child is disturbing.

Allie said...

LatteJunkie- Yeah, I have to remember that this kid has probably had this shit shoved down his throat, and he's just regurgitating it.

Ginny- He should be, but it seems he's too busy trying to be the next pastor of Westboro Baptist Church.

MonsteRawr- Well, now I have to Google these Nazi twins.

camerabanger- Agreed! However, I'm sure all those 50 year olds believe this kid is the voice of his generation.

Shaneiferd said...

I'll be honest. I am virtually speechless right now. But I am posting this video to my Facebook because it's just beyond belief. Disturbing, enraging, and hilariously inaccurate.

A Beer for the Shower said...

And ten years from now, when he and his life partner Ted are watching this while sipping cocktails, they can both share a jolly good laugh.

Allie said...

Shane- I think was my overall reaction to this video as well. Post away! People should know about this little toolbox.

Beer-Lol Or when he's a Republican Senator getting hatefucked by some dude from Craigslist.