Every day is Not Valentine's Day. I Will Stab You with an Arrow.

I woke up Matt/the dude I tricked into loving me at 6:30 in the morning with the following:

Allie: Happy Valentine's day!

Matt: (murmurs something unintelligible due to his face being smashed into a pillow)

Allie: Huh? I can't hear you, because YOU'RE SLEEPING!

Matt: Oh. My. God. Happy Valentine's day, baby.

I'm seeing a lot of "Every day is Valentine's Day in my house" on social media today, and I think it's time to call bullshit.

As someone who is in a looonnggg-term, live-in relationship I can say, for certain, that most days are not Valentine's Day.

Most days are like Guy Fawkes Day. Or President's Day. Or World Aids Day. Or "I'm going to kill you if I have to replace another empty toilet paper roll" Day.

Maybe if you said "Every day is like St. Patrick's Day" and you're in a relationship with an alcoholic, I'd believe you--but Valentine's Day?!?

Get out of here with that shit.

I love Matt. But most days are like Arbor Day. Or Canadian Thanksgiving.

Allie: I'm going to stab you in the face with an arrow ... like Cupid. It will be romantic.

Matt: You would stab yourself with the arrow. You would never hit me.

Allie: Oh, I would hit you! It would be like The Hunger Games.

Matt: Really? Because I don't remember Katniss tripping and impaling herself with her arrows.

Today was Administrative Professionals Day, at best.

The Last 50 Shades of Grey Post I Will Ever Write. Maybe.

I've made it clear that I'm not reading 50 Shades of Grey.

Mainly, because I have a 12-year-old copy of Anna Karenina collecting dust on my bookshelf, and I can't bring myself to read that over-hyped vibrator manual, when I have real books going unread.

But there is another reason.

As an unqualified sexual advisor, it is my job to keep an open mind about human sexuality. Kinks included. Which is why 50 Shades of Grey really pissed me off.

The more I heard about this book, the more I learned that Christian Grey was not some normal 26-year-old billionaire with a penchant for kinky sex.  He was a fucked up guy who liked BDSM, because he was fucked up. And after conquering his demons stopped wanting that type of sex.

This is a problem. Someone unfamiliar with BDSM (which is basically everyone magic-wanding themselves to that book) could naturally assume that fetishes are something that can be fixed. That the person who enjoys non-traditional sex is broken in some way.

Now one could ask why a little bit of kink-negativity matters. It's not something like sexuality that can't be hidden. For the most part, you could know someone your entire life and never learn that they go home and strap on a ball-gag.

But at a time when basically every form of sexuality is under attack, having something like 50 Shades can provide rhetoric for the "sex-for-babies-only" crowd.

For example, I stumbled upon a blog that begins much like mine, with the author, Dannah Gresh, valiantly pronouncing that she will not be reading 50 Shades of Grey. However, her reasoning is a little different than my own.

• Erotica is sinful.
• Lust is harmful.
• Women don't like when guys view porn.
• BDSM is super-duper yucky. 

The post is full of broad generalizations about female sexuality. Women don't enjoy pornography or men that view pornography. BDSM is something evil that women are being forced to accept. 

The following statement is my personal favorite:

It’s not just that this book misuses sex, it redefines it into something evil as the lead character dominates in a hurtful manner. How woman can enjoy that, I can’t understand!

 But I do have a theory. It seems to me that in our emasculating culture

 there is a hunger so great for strong men that women will stoop to

 bondage, dominance, sadism, and masochism for just a taste. 

Do yourself a favor, don’t!

Well, thanks for that trip back into 1950s America!  

What Gresh fails to acknowledge is that BDSM, or any other kink for that matter, is not a misuse of sex. It is sex. 

Sex does not always look the same in every relationship, but as long as the parties involved are consenting and safe, they should not be shamed for their desires. 

As I read the post, I couldn't help but wonder would Gresh have a problem with BDSM if it took part in the realm of marriage. If a monogamous husband and wife engaged in a little bondage, would that be okay? What if the wife was the one in charge of the leash, is that still icky? 

If so, wouldn't her distaste have nothing to do with the sanctity of marital relations, and more to do with the fact that kinky sex bothers her personally. 

I'm going to assume that it's the latter, especially since her theory that BDSM was spawned from the emasculation of men is ridiculous. The origins of BDSM can be traced back to the ninth century, a time when queering gender was far from anyone's concern. 

Finally, just as rape-play is not actually rape, BDSM is not a form of brutal violence meant to do actual physical harm.

If it is, you're doing it wrong, Dannah.

A Former Whore from Facebook Helps me Inspire my Spouse

For everyone who doesn't know, I love Facebook (you should follow me there, btw). I love my Hannity-obsessed relatives. I love my white-trash classmates. I love the University of Phoenix ads.

And maybe more than anything else, I love the super-whores who somehow through their whoring journey, found the Lord and now they are really excited to share the news with everyone.

Recently, one of these ladies posted a link to an advice article, and since I love giving advice I thought I would share the highlights with all of you. Read the full article HERE.

50 Ways to Inspire Your Husband

1. Initiate Great Sex. 

Vaginal and missionary only.

Good girls don't get on top.

3. Give Him One Night to do Something He Loves. 

Like meth and dudes on Craigslist.

Remember Ted Haggard?

5. Ask Him About His Bucket List.

Yeah, I'm not doing that.

8. Text Him. Reminder: I Believe in You.

I did this. He texted back, 

"Are you stoned?"

9. Make Sure He Feels Respected By You.

So "fucktard" probably isn't a 

great pet name, huh?

17. Initiate Great Sex.

Again? Have you been reading 

"50 Shades of Grey"?

20. Post on His Facebook Wall: "I Love Being Your

 Wife. See me Tonight Regarding This."

Jesus! What if his Nana

 is on Facebook?

21. Gently Communicate with Him About what you Like in Bed, and 

Respond Encouragingly To his Attempts.

IT'S CALLED A CLITORIS! HAVE 

YOU FUCKING HEARD OF IT?

34. Do Something From his To-Do List for Him -- Something

 he'd Rather Have you do Anyway.

Jack off. 

Check!

36. Create a Cheerful Atmosphere when he Comes Home.

Does crying uncontrollably while watching

"The Notebook" count?

38. Discover His Love Language and Become even 

More Fluent in it?

I think it's gonna involve his penis!!

41. Organize or Clean Something in your Home that

 you Know he Finds Messy.

Seriously?
 I need a drink.

44. Initiate Great Sex.

Show me on the doll where your

Stepdad touched you.

And last but not least...

50. If and when he Messes up, Respond with the Kind of

 Grace, Compassion, and Mercy that God gives us. Respond

 in a Way that Communicates, "You're Safe with me -- 

and I'm Not Going to Rehash Your Failures.

This is a Secure Place for you to Grow...

and I Love the Journey with You."

You have to be fucking kidding me? 
Did you really say "if and when"? Who the hell are you married to?

Also, I'm gonna rehash the shit out of your failures. 

Well guys, I think we just stepped into Rick Santorum's America. Thanks former whore from Facebook. I will take these tips into consideration, or I'll put a bullet in my mouth.

Now I'm off to initiate great sex with my boyfriend and then when he does something right, let him know I'm proud of him and respect his authority.