Tuesday, May 29, 2012

How to Make a Relationship Last for Nearly a Decade

Tomorrow is my 9th anniversary. Now I know what you're thinking, everyday must be like an extra-stupid fairytale when you live with a man like this.

And you'd be right. But I know everyone can't have him -- that would be way too many sister-wives for me to deal with. 

So I've decided give you all some advice that has allowed my relationship to flourish for nearly a decade, then maybe you guys can go out and take a crack at this love shit yourselves. #Magic

Tip 1: Find a dude who mainly wants to bang you. He's not going to like you for your personality, and he probably won't even like you for your face, so give up on that idea. 

Mateo became determined to meet me after my best friend told him I had big boobs and a phone-sex voice. If that's not the beginning of a love story, I just don't know what is.

Tip 2: Find a partner that's in high school. This is an excellent time to make romantic life decisions. 

Mateo and I started dating when I was 17 years old. He likes to tell people he got me when I was a pup and trained me right. I tell him that I'm going to trade him in for a newer model when he hits 30. Neither one of us are joking.

Tip 3: Take incriminating pictures and/or video of your significant other and then password protect those bitches. 

Mateo would literally leave me almost daily if he wasn't terrified that I would put the video of him dancing naked to Beyonce's "Single Ladies" on the internet. SN: I like to show strangers this video when I'm drunk.

Tip 4: When fighting, don't be afraid to admit you are wrong. Also, don't be afraid to admit that you are a paranoid schizophrenic who has a testicle-stomping fetish.

I like to call my "other half" Delilah the Destroyer.

Tip 5: If you listen to nothing else, remember, never go to bed angry. Unless you're into that kinda thing. 

We are, by the way. 

Happy 9th Anniversary, @Mateojw84! Here's to about 2 more years, 
because I was not playing around, you're gone by 30.


Ally Gregory-Moore said...

Happy Anniversary!! 9 years is quite an achievement.

Allie said...


Sophie @ threetimesf said...

Haha love this post! Happy Anniversary!

Allie said...

Thanks Sophie! When Mateo is tries to leave me, I'll bring up that people enjoyed this! lol

Hillary Lynne Glaser said...

Fantastic post and Happy Anniversary!! BTW, I should not have been drinking anything when I read this. I added this to my Friday Roundup on schmutzinmyhead.com! Thank you for making me laugh!

L-Kat said...

Happy Anniversary! From your dating tips, it's no surprise you've lasted 9 years. :)

Cassie @ WittyTitleHere.com said...

HAHA this fuckin' rocks. Thanks for making me laugh, and happy anniversary!

Allie said...

Hillary- Thanks so much!!

L-Kat- Thanks! I don't want to call myself a relationship expert, but I'm totally a fucking relationship expert.

Cassie- Thank you for laughing at me! Like in the nice way... not in the middle school way.

Abbey said...

Love it! Congrats! Your relationship has lasted 45 Kim Kardashian marriages!

MonsteRawr said...

I highly agree with Tip 1. I find that when you're relationship begins with a hookup, the expectations for said relationship are very, very low.It can only go up from there, and next thing you know you've been married for 4 years and you're like, "Holy shit, haven't you left yet?"

Happy anniversary, pretty girl.

Allie said...

Abbey- Lol I think that means we need a reality show!

MonsteRawr- LMAO! Holy shit, haven't you left yet? Is the perfect summary of a relationship!

And thank you!!

Nicky said...

Btw ... Your welcome ... For the hook up!

Allie said...

You have my eternal gratitude, Nick. I mean how could I have lived without that stupid face.

Shaneiferd said...

I love how your posts about your relationship flawlessly blend romance with comedy. You two must be quite the couple. Happy anniversary!

Allie said...

Thanks Shane! If being quite a couple means mocking each other until one starts crying, than we are definitely quite a couple.

Erin McNaughton said...

I love your sense of humor - this was great!

Allie said...

Thanks Erin!

Rachel Emmilee said...

Very cute! I love this post!
Me and my guy have been together for almost 9 years and married for a few months. Would you believe me if I said our relationship still feels new and fresh?
I think all of these points are very important, but the best being, be bangable.
Happy Anni!