How to Make a Relationship Last for Nearly a Decade

Tomorrow is my 9th anniversary. Now I know what you're thinking, everyday must be like an extra-stupid fairytale when you live with a man like this.

And you'd be right. But I know everyone can't have him -- that would be way too many sister-wives for me to deal with. 

So I've decided give you all some advice that has allowed my relationship to flourish for nearly a decade, then maybe you guys can go out and take a crack at this love shit yourselves. #Magic

Tip 1: Find a dude who mainly wants to bang you. He's not going to like you for your personality, and he probably won't even like you for your face, so give up on that idea. 

Mateo became determined to meet me after my best friend told him I had big boobs and a phone-sex voice. If that's not the beginning of a love story, I just don't know what is.

Tip 2: Find a partner that's in high school. This is an excellent time to make romantic life decisions. 

Mateo and I started dating when I was 17 years old. He likes to tell people he got me when I was a pup and trained me right. I tell him that I'm going to trade him in for a newer model when he hits 30. Neither one of us are joking.

Tip 3: Take incriminating pictures and/or video of your significant other and then password protect those bitches. 

Mateo would literally leave me almost daily if he wasn't terrified that I would put the video of him dancing naked to Beyonce's "Single Ladies" on the internet. SN: I like to show strangers this video when I'm drunk.

Tip 4: When fighting, don't be afraid to admit you are wrong. Also, don't be afraid to admit that you are a paranoid schizophrenic who has a testicle-stomping fetish.

I like to call my "other half" Delilah the Destroyer.

Tip 5: If you listen to nothing else, remember, never go to bed angry. Unless you're into that kinda thing. 

We are, by the way. 

Happy 9th Anniversary, @Mateojw84! Here's to about 2 more years, 

because I was not playing around, you're gone by 30.