Friday, May 4, 2012

Help! My Boyfriend Won't Bang Me

After being a fan of your blog since its creation, I’ve finally hit a snag and thought, “where should I turn for some advice?” The decision was you, Allie. Help a girl out?

I’ve been seeing a guy for the past seven months, and after the usual period of “you’re new, you’re awesome” passed, we seem to be slowing down to a glaciers pace.

We are both freshmen in college so of course our stress and responsibilities are piled on heavy. The thing is I am realizing things that make me unhappy but am not sure if there is a problem, or if I’m making a problem. See, he is currently taking medication for depression and this means that he has no sex drive, and has decided it would be better if we just didn’t… ever. This is a huge disappointment for me. He is an awesome guy, but I wasn’t ever picturing a relationship where sex was taken off the table. It also makes me feel guilty because I understand that there should be more to a relationship than sex, but I still want it and he is not getting it when I try to bring it up. Also, I feel like he’s taking things to a level they don’t need to be at yet, I met his WHOLE family at Christmas, and he keeps bringing up marriage.

Basically we just aren’t meshing over anything anymore, but I feel like he isn't willing to see it. He is a sensitive guy, and honestly I am scared that if I break up with him he will cry and I will feel like the shittiest person to ever live. I can’t decide if I want to stay with him for the companionship but I consider breaking up with him because he just doesn’t feel right for me and I should decide before things go any farther.

Incredibly Indecisive

Whether it seems like it or not, I take every question sent to me seriously -- okay, I take a majority of the questions sent to me seriously. For this reason, sometimes I feel the need to run an email by a friend, just to hear a second opinion.

Tonight I heard this...

"She's a Freshman in college. She should be girls-gone-wilding it up. Having orgies and shit. Banging girls. Banging guys.  Banging everyone."

This stellar piece of promiscuity-supporting advice, while tainted with creepy enthusiasm, is kind of on point.

I'm not going to sugarcoat it, Indecisive. You should break up with your boyfriend.

No talking it out. No trying to make it better. No drama. No bullshit.

Just break up with him.

Sex is a big damn deal in a relationship, as much as Republicans try to convince us otherwise. This means that no matter how awesome your boyfriend is, if you need sex and he can't meet that need, there's going to be friction. Which will eventually lead to you dry-humping his best friend in a coat closet -- a whole different kind of friction.

In your email you said that "there should be more to the relationship than sex", but I'm pretty sure you're wrong.

As a Freshman in college, your relationship should be about 98 percent boning. This is the time when you figure out what you like, what you don't like, how to tie someone to a bedpost without leaving a single rope-burn. These are your formative sexual years. 'Companionate relationship' shouldn't even be in your vocabulary.

Break up with you boyfriend, Indecisive.

He'll probably cry. You'll probably feel like the shittiest person ever.

But then have some fratboy bang you into his headboard until you can't remember your birthday.

That always makes me feel better.


P.S. If after reading this you think, "I wanna get banged by a fratboy!" Then email me at or message me on Twitter @AllieOopsie. You will remain anonymous.


Elle said...

I love this blog. A ridiculous amount. Just sayin', also, I really hope someone bangs the shit out of that chick... she totally deserves it! :) Love Elle xo

Allie said...

Thank you so much! I love hearing that someone loves reading this thing because I love writing it!

And I couldn't agree more. I hope our good friend Indecisive is making up for lost time as we speak.

MonsteRawr said...

Well said, Ms Allie. Sex IS a big fucking deal. Just ask my poor, lonely vagina.

Allie said...

MonsteRawr- Thanks! And you just say the word and I will make it my mission to find some company for your vagina.