Thursday, May 17, 2012

Help! My Sexual Advisor Sucks at her Job

Dear Allie,


How can I make my girlfriend cum? 


-Anonymous




Stop spelling it C-U-M. That should about do it, Anon.

Anyone else want to throw their hat in the sex advice ring?

I've got basketball to watch.


XOXO
ALLIE


P.S. If after reading this you think, "Holy shit! She's really bad at this advice-giving thing. There's not a chance in hell I'll send her an email." Send me one, anyway, at notreallyabarista@gmail.com or message me on Twitter @AllieOopsie.  You will remain anonymous.

6 comments:

Brandon Lostinidaho said...

It doesn't hurt to ask her, either.

If she lets you, watch her get herself off. Huge turn-on for you, and you may learn something.

MonsteRawr said...

Holy balls. *sigh* That's such a general, vague question that you can't possibly expect one mortal advisor to tackle that entire question in one, reasonably lengthed blog post. That's like asking, "How do I be a good person?" "What's the meaning of life?" "What are the ingredients of hot dogs?" Fuck.

Allie said...

Brandon- You're pretty good at this!

MonsteRawr- Agreed! Maybe he should just rub a hot dog on her and see what happens.

cerebralmilkshake said...

Douse yourself in glitter and walk out in the sun light with a very, very sad face. That should do the trick. If not, find her tender spot and keep poking it until she explodes

Shaneiferd said...

^I second what cerebralmilkshake said. Find that spot and poke/lick/devour it until she's singing your praises in languages she doesn't even know.

Thank Q said...

Tell her to give her ex-boyfriend a try. Maybe that will do it.

What kind of question is that anyway? It's so vague! I wish there was some basketball on to watch right now. :)