Sunday Wrap Up: I've Been Banging the Same Guy for 11 Years.

I've had quite the eventful week, which included a man ordering the dumbest drink imaginable and me trying to sell my diploma on Craigslist.

 Let's go over some of the highlights, shall we?

I Bought a Mattress

I did one of the most adult things a person can possibly do this week--aside from expertly plucking out gray hairs and wearing control top pantyhose with running shoes, of course.

I bought a mattress.

And not just some semen-stained knock-off from Bobo's Mattresses and Stuff. I bought a piece of heaven-sent, memory-foamed goodness that I will have to turn tricks on to pay off. 

But it's worth it. This mattress supports me in a way no real-life person ever has. I'm like, "Hey Sealy, my back is kinda hurting from slinging lattes for 10 hours." And Sealy is all, "Come lay down, little momma. I'm about to contour to your body and alleviate all your aches in pains. And don't worry about it being hot as dick outside, I've got cooling gel inside of me to keep you comfortable."

It's easily the best relationship, I've ever been in. Speaking of relationships...

It's My 11 Year Anniversary

Friday marked the 11th year of my random penis funeral. Yep, 11 years since I tricked some unsuspecting dude into loving me. 

I know some people are thinking, "Wow, 11 years, how romantic", but I'm here to tell you that being with someone over a decade is exactly the opposite of romance. Matt rolled over the morning of our anniversary and gave me a high-five for sticking it out. He then went to work, and I spent the entire day debating if I should shave my legs. Spoiler alert: I did not.

Later that night, I made him homemade chicken marsala, we split a bottle of Pepto-Bismol, and talked about how awesome our new mattress is.

True love forever.

Most Ridiculous Starbucks Drink Ever

I'm not saying I work for Starbucks, but if I did, I would be super annoyed by the drink that made the news this week. 

A Texas man ordered "The Most Expensive Drink at Starbucks", which was a Vanilla Bean Frappuccino with a ton of modifiers, including 60 shots of espresso. The man would have paid $54.75 had it not been for his Gold Card reward, which made this monstrosity free of charge.

The man said the 60-shot concoction was delicious, which makes me think he has completely burned off all of taste buds smoking meth. And with approximately 4,500mg in the frappuccino, a penchant for meth would be the only way to explain why this dude's heart didn't stop beating upon completion. 

As a barista, I'm not salty that this guy decided to drink the blended equivalent of Draino, but I am salty because now everyone and their freaking mom are going to want to emulate this moron, in hopes to make it on the local news. 

Thanks a lot, dick.

So that was my week in a nutshell, guys. Got anything that can top my sexual, new mattress, 11 years of bliss someone tolerating me, or a blended heartattack? Leave it in the comments! 

How to Make a Relationship Last for Nearly a Decade

Tomorrow is my 9th anniversary. Now I know what you're thinking, everyday must be like an extra-stupid fairytale when you live with a man like this.

And you'd be right. But I know everyone can't have him -- that would be way too many sister-wives for me to deal with. 

So I've decided give you all some advice that has allowed my relationship to flourish for nearly a decade, then maybe you guys can go out and take a crack at this love shit yourselves. #Magic

Tip 1: Find a dude who mainly wants to bang you. He's not going to like you for your personality, and he probably won't even like you for your face, so give up on that idea. 

Mateo became determined to meet me after my best friend told him I had big boobs and a phone-sex voice. If that's not the beginning of a love story, I just don't know what is.

Tip 2: Find a partner that's in high school. This is an excellent time to make romantic life decisions. 

Mateo and I started dating when I was 17 years old. He likes to tell people he got me when I was a pup and trained me right. I tell him that I'm going to trade him in for a newer model when he hits 30. Neither one of us are joking.

Tip 3: Take incriminating pictures and/or video of your significant other and then password protect those bitches. 

Mateo would literally leave me almost daily if he wasn't terrified that I would put the video of him dancing naked to Beyonce's "Single Ladies" on the internet. SN: I like to show strangers this video when I'm drunk.

Tip 4: When fighting, don't be afraid to admit you are wrong. Also, don't be afraid to admit that you are a paranoid schizophrenic who has a testicle-stomping fetish.

I like to call my "other half" Delilah the Destroyer.

Tip 5: If you listen to nothing else, remember, never go to bed angry. Unless you're into that kinda thing. 

We are, by the way. 

Happy 9th Anniversary, @Mateojw84! Here's to about 2 more years, 

because I was not playing around, you're gone by 30.