Friday, May 11, 2012

How to Sext: Part 2

I've recently noticed that one of my most read blog posts is "Cosmo Teaches Us How to Sext. Thank God". The post is all about Cosmo giving the worst sexting advice to impressionable girls.

I wish I could say people are finding this post because they're looking for a mocking commentary on the women's magazine, but that is just not the case. This piece is popular because when people type a certain phrase into Google, my blog pops up. That phrase is... How To Sext.

When I first wrote about sexting, I had no idea people were so eager to learn the art cellular seduction, but now I feel that it's my duty as an unqualified sex advisor to give the people what they want.

Sexting 101.

  • Arousing visuals are important when it comes to sexting (just ask any congressman/actor/athlete). But that does not mean that great sexting should be all tits and flaccid penises, sometimes a sexy little prop does the trick.
Poorly written erotica doesn't count.

  • Although, it is very important to let your sexting partner know exactly what's waiting for them. Enter the grainy, self-photo of your genitals. Yowza!

Remember to play up your best assets.

  • Okay, forget pictures... Sexting really is all about the naughty details. A great sexter is a champion at tantalizing their partner with some mind-blowing word play. 

Never use the word "ointment" in sexting.

  • If all this stuff seems pretty novice, then maybe you are a big-league sexter. For these pros I would suggest implementing a little fantasy in your sexting. It's like virtual roleplaying.

Maybe sexy librarian would be a better choice.

  • And if all else fails, remember, nothing says "Fuck me like I'm paying your rent" more than an EMOJI!  8====D~~~ ( ;

And they lived happily ever after.

Suck on that, Cosmo! 


Brandon Lostinidaho said...

I take more of the shotgun approach myself. I take a good cock-shot (remember, the camera adds 5lb, make sure 2-3 cameras are on it) and send it out to random numbers.

Oh, the hilarity!!

Allie said...

I'm sure you and your 15-pound penis have broken up many a marriage.

Oh btw, if I can get Mitt Romney's number, will you do me a favor?

Ach du lieber said...

That's all.

Vanessa said...

My best advice to anyone who wants to sext? Make sure you don't accidentally text the landline. Somehow, that female computer voice detracts from the experience. Making it all even less sexy.

Plus? Cosmo has got to be the biggest waste of time. Even the 5 minute glance while waiting in line at the grocery store is too much attention.

Sophie @ threetimesf said...

Haha, I love this!

Following on from Vanessa's advice, obviously key piece of advice is making dure you don't text 'Dad' when actually you mean 'Dan'. I speak from experience. Oops!

Allie said...

Ach- thanks!!

Vanessa- Cosmo kills me!! And you're right, having to stare at HOW TO HAVE THE HOTTEST SEX EVA while in line really puts me off of the Oreos I'm buying.

Sophie- Lmao!! That is amazing! You have inspired me to make a part 3!!

MonsteRawr said...

I'm going to bust out that "daddy" dirty talk next time the husband and I are getting frisky. After all, I haven't fucked with him in the sack since the time I said, "Is that period blood?"

Cherie said...

Taking your advice now. Will let you know how it goes.

Sharon Neilson said...

this totally made me giggle.

and yes... Cosmo is the absolute worst.

Allie said...

MonsteRawr- Lol I'm going to need to know how tht goes!

Cherie- Wonderful! I do want to let you know I'm not responsible for any loss of sex after taking my advice lol

Sharon- Ugh Cosmo! Glad you liked it!

Anonymous said...

I never understood sexting UNTIL NOW.
I'm going to fill everyone's phone with so much sex that they will walk funny every time their phone rings.
Now I just wish I could take a good cock shot without having a penis.

Allie said...

cerebralmilkshake- As soon as you figure out that cock shot thing, let me know! I'm dying to spam some phones with dick pics.

Shaneiferd said...

I've never used Emoji, but seeing the lips, fist, and...eggplant?...really makes me want to use that app. The limits of the hilarity are bound only by our imaginations.

Sexting, in general, just baffles me. It's one thing to flirt...but dirty talk and cock-shots? I don't know, maybe I'm just too old-fashioned for this generation. These damn youngsters. Haha.

Jane said...

sexting is ok if you know exactly who you are communicating with, just don't sext with randoms from sites such as